Mancattan

This film was apparently made with very little to no budget, and it shows. From the laughable opening shot it is clear the team behind Mancattan are not so much stifled by a lack of funding but by a general lack of ability.

One of the fundamental ideals behind SIAB studios' production methods has always been 'breaking the mould' (according to their numerous self- evaluative press releases and rambling blogs) and this film really sets out to prove that. Firstly, the classic Hollywood 'mould' of using trained and believable actors has been well and truly smashed in, the producers deciding to cast themselves in the main roles in what can only be described as the worst casting decision since Rosie O'Donnell played Betty Rubble.

Colin plays his entire role in the guise of someone reading their lines verbatim on a large sheet of paper two metres from their current 'acting' position. He seems to have somehow become even more bored with his film than his audience, which is quite an accolade in itself. The only reason it may be hard to criticise his performance is that many parts are often missed through periods of deep sleep.

Colin however is not the worst actor in the film. I fact if everyone but the two main actors happens to be killed in some horrific, large- scale natural disaster Colin will by default become the greatest actor in the world. Meet Phil Drinkwater. I honestly thought there was something mentally wrong with the actor until it is revealed (through direct mention in the script only) that he is doing an impression of Woody Allen. I can only imagine that Phil has never actually seen Woody Allen act, only having heard about his mannerisms in some sort of Chinese Whispers style storytelling from person-to-person where the tale eventually becomes so distorted that it materialises way down the line in the form of a gibbering, stammering imbecile waffling his way through the worst script ever written.

Which brings us nicely on to the script. It's hard to tell at times whether the script was written beforehand or is simply being devised 'live'. The producers advertised the story as reflecting the trials and tribulations of John Everyman. I can only assume that Colin and Phil do not live in the same universe as me. If the story was actually good (it isn't) or even original (it definitely isn't) it would still struggle to have any discernible impact on the audience. The main problem is that most of the characters are just generic off-the-shelf nobodies that are usually found drinking at the student bar in Hollyoaks. There's about as much depth to them as any one of the number of faces you find on a Guess Who board. In fact it might have been a better and more subversive film if the key actors had been replaced with life-size cut outs throughout the entire film.

The reason most people tackle any kind of film is to tell a story they hope will in some way educate, inform and entertain it's audience. Mancattan rarely does any of these. It educated me on how not to make a film and informed me on how not to make a film. You could argue that the film makers have the right to make the film they want to but when it's as bad as this you just have to wonder why anyone bothered in the first place. It's the equivalent of allowing Stephen Hawkings to play football, a bad idea.

The random compositional choices the director makes (or more likely doesn't make) mean you spend most of the film wondering if the camera operator is a midget with Parkinsons. Surely even a rookie film maker understands that choice of shot and mis-en-scene can go a long way when working on such a low budget. Clearly not. Where some film makers might use a 20 minute window to grab a bit of extra coverage the Siabs team appear to have shot entire scenes in theirs. If you enjoy your films shot by a hobbit then Mancattan is the film for you.

On the whole Mancattan is simply an irritating film. The ethos is to do the best with what you've got but I'd argue that if the best you've got is this you might as well retire to the Cotswolds and cut yourself.