The Bracelet of Bordeaux

There is one good lesson to be learned from this film -- for prospective screenwriters: if this movie got made, then any movie can be made.

Miss Carson and Miss Edwards are enjoyable to watch but the story, the characterizations and the staging of scenes would earn no better than a D minus at any respectable film school.

Viewers aged in the high single digits will have little patience for this movie.

If you're looking for something worthwhile for your kid, give them something meaningful, such as "The Ballet Shoes" or even a "Roxy Hunter."

I'm from the community of The Woodlands, Texas, an affluent suburb about 30 miles north of Houston. As a film nerd, I was always excited to see the only "major" motion picture movie to be filmed in my town, that being The Bracelet Of Bordeaux. I remember when it came out, many of my middle school friends were talking about being in the background, or that their houses or streets could be seen in the distance. After over a decade of curiosity, I finally tracked down the only production from my hometown...and it's sadly not only a bad movie, but one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Not a single solitary aspect of this film is good. I suppose the two young child protagonists are passable, but that's about it. The production quality looks like an effortless middle school project made by two slackers, like it was filmed on a $50 Flip camera bought at Walmart. Youtube videos look better than this. The villains are over the top and completely pointless with no real motives beyond just being poorly written villains (the Italian mob teaming with generic metalhead punks? What?). The script is horrible, the jokes are cringeworthy, and everything else I haven't mentioned yet is just abysmal. On top of everything, it's just excruciatingly boring. It became a chore to watch this film after just 10 minutes. There's also a two minute long dog fart battle...I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing.

It becomes so bad that it stops being funny, and instead becomes a trance-inducing film coma of swirling chaos, something not even the worst shrooms could give. I mostly blame the horrendous grainy home-camera cinematography, but the terrible writing, acting, and humor all blend together to create a pool of depression, like an everflowing stream of hallucinogenic fluff.

Not to mention all the Texas stereotypes. I'm sure most northerners or foreigners don't know this, but most Texans don't wear the cliché cowboy hat and boots, especially in modern upper class community like The Woodlands, where the official community uniform might as well be Vineyard Vines or Hollister. Most Woodlanders would laugh at the sight of a cowboy hat. As you'd expect, every other male character in this film wears a giant cowboy hat and boots with spurs, spewing out cliché slang like "HOWDY Y'ALL?" and "WHAT IN TARNATION!" You'd think that, because the movie was filmed in Texas, they'd see that nobody actually dressed or talked like that. The only thing missing is a shootout at high noon and a brawl in the saloon. At least it doesn't take place in the desert.

So everything is terrible, right? Well, we still haven't discussed the worst part of the movie: the production itself. The film was made by Frank Eakin, who, according to people I've interviewed and reports I've read online, claimed to be a big Hollywood hotshot and would "make The Woodlands the next Hollywood". He claimed the film would be a massive budget fantasy film on the same scale as The Chronicles Of Narnia, and because of that, said that all extras had to pay $250 for the blessing of being in a major blockbuster. After filming wrapped, Eakin and crew fled town and gave no updates on the film for 3 years, making the town believe that they had been scammed. Finally, after 3 years of locals raging about their wasted money, the film suddenly appeared out of nowhere, not in theaters, but in local video shops. Instead of the massive scale blockbuster they were promised, they received a crappy low budget home video with terrible effects, awful jokes, and wasted community effort. On top of that, many of the kids who paid $250 to appear in the film had their scenes cut entirely and appear nowhere in the deleted scenes or extras. However, it doesn't end there. When parents went to IMDb to vent their frustrations, they found that their comments and reviews were flagged and deleted, and were replaced by several clearly fake reviews praising the film and, in particular, gloating about how amazing and talented Frank Eakin is. Go and read them for yourself and see if you think they're real or not. If this review mysteriously gets deleted, you'll know the truth.

So, what's the lesson here? Don't lie to a community about making a horrible passion project, because your film may end up being one of the worst films ever made. The Woodlands is a beautiful community with a plethora of interesting things and it deserves much better than a movie about magical farting dogs.

This film is not good. At all. The best thing about this film is the two cute girls in the lead roles. I found them endearing, in spite of the film's many weaknesses. The writing is really bad and the performances of the adult actors are all too over the top and completely ineffective. The film isn't very funny or entertaining and feels longer than it is. It isn't well made and feels like it was thrown together by amateurs with a really low budget. Despite the pretty young leading ladies best efforts, this film doesn't work. 4/10 is my rating and that is me being nice because it has a couple cute kids in it.

Hilarious is the operative term for THE BRACELET OF BORDEAUX.

It is a fast-paced, fanciful film that offers a nudge-wink mix of slapstick, irony, and withering social satire about "Chem City," Texas. Adults and children alike laughed long and hard at the showing I attended, with nary a mean-spirited gag in sight.

The quality I liked best about BRACELET was its overarching emphasis on the importance of choosing -- and keeping -- the right kinds of friends. Although clearly aimed at kids, the film has both a sense of humor and message adults would benefit by heeding.

Thank goodness the filmmakers chose to emphasize fantasy over realism. Is anyone besides me tired of films that fail to take advantage of the nearly boundless theatricality and visual creativity the medium allows? Without giving away the plot, I can say that a form of magic, with roots in an important period of contemporary world history, plays a pivotal role in the development of the story.

Equally refreshing was the use of believable, average-looking child actors, playing characters resembling real kids. Again, is anyone besides me tired of movies that present children as tiny, physically idealized, wise-cracking adults? Speaking of wisecracks, I liked the way the film's abundant humor sprang not from one-liners or clichés, but from the wild images on the screen or the irony of the situations orchestrated by the script.

Since I knew this was an independent film shot on a shoestring, I was surprised by the quality of the production. The photography was professional, as were the sets, costumes and props. Effects were high-quality, and acting was top-rate. I give extra points to the adult actors who portrayed the marionettes behind the juvenile-delinquent puppets. Sal's role added necessary weight to the plot, while the scenes featuring him and his hapless toady added levity to the proceedings with their straight-faced absurdity.

In reading background on the film, I learned that BRACELET is the first by Frank Eakin and that it was so low-budget it was practically no-budget. The information begs the question: Has digital technology made film a truly democratic art form? The success of THE BRACELET OF BORDEAUX is enough to make believers out of the most stalwart doubters in the power of digital video technology.

I watched this movie with my 8 1/2 year old daughter. We were entertained by the entire movie and both of us enjoyed it. OK, so the production quality was amateurish (not nearly as bad as, say, the "Blair Witch Project"), the story line was implausible, and the scene editing needed to be tightened up. This movie was good fun with a dose of "girl-power" and was family friendly. The two main characters (Helen and Marie) and the lead bad guy (Dirk) were compelling and definitely held the viewer's interest. The side characters such as the ice cream vendor, Texas twins, gardener lady, and bad cop, were cool and kooky and I looked forward to seeing their repeat appearances. The movie involved a bunch of girls from some group in the community and I thought that type of involvement was great. Who says you have to watch a slick $30 million dollar movie production to be entertained? This movie proves that you don't. One of my adult-oriented grade-B movie favorites is the "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", and that one had less coherency to the story line and an equally amateurish production quality, yet is now a cult classic. You should not have high expectations when viewing the "Bracelet of Bordeaux", but you may find it captivating you. If you like this movie, you might like "How to Eat Fried Worms". Both movies revolve around kids resolving issues on their own.