Female Mercenaries

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

It does NOT appear that a movie named Female Mercenaries starring Lana Clarkson exists: --Female Mercenaries (1983)

It appears that this movie is a repackage fraud of Ted Mikels's 1973 movie The Doll Squad (which is also know as Female Mercenaries), with a box cover listing different actors and actresses (and production/distribution companies). The Doll Squad (1973) is not great, but it is probably one of Mikel's best efforts, and it also has Tura Satana, but not Lana. She would have been eleven years old (she probably would still be alive and would be 55, now, if she had avoided creeps like Spector). If you want The Doll Squad, buy the DVD. If you want a crappy VHS repackage version of The Doll Squad (1973) buy this item. If you want Female Mercenaries starring Lana Clarkson, I'm pretty sure that you're SOL.

As far as I can tell: -- Lana Clarkson is not on the cover. -- Neither is Teri Ann Linn or Toni Naples. The actresses listed for Female Mercenaries (1983) and/or listed on the cover.

They do not appear to be from The Doll Squad (1973), either.

I have never seen Female Mercenaries (1983). Maybe it is a fraud repackage of The Doll Squad (1973). That would be fantastic. The Doll Squad (1973) is crap, but it has achieved cult status. The production companies listed on the cover and on IMDb don't appear to have ever done anything but Female Mercenaries (1983), and don't appear to exist. It's hard to imagine anyone making a fake production distribution, or it being financially worthwhile, even Mikels. The writer and director may be fake, but the actors and actresses are real. The IMDb information has the MCM distributor cross linked with the Mikels production.

If you ever actually run across a "real" copy of Female Mercenaries (1983) starring Lana Clarkson, you probably will want to ask for a lot more than a couple of bucks for it!

Oh, an I found this (on the Web, of course):

VIDEO VULTURE by John Tebbutt They lied to me! The Video Vulture loses his cool to MCM's bogus Female Mercenaries Thursday, June 3, 2004 Calgary's News & Entertainment Weekly ... OK, I'm calmer now. (I'm also typing with one hand. That'll teach me not to punch walls. Ouchie.) I just had to work off some anger over being duped by a video box. Y'see, I recently came across a cheesy-looking VHS tape entitled Female Mercenaries, a film that stars Lana Clarkson - at least, that's what the box claims. (Liar! Liar!) Clarkson, of course, is the stunning five foot 11-inch tall, blonde actress whose B movie career came to a tragic end in February 2003, when she was found shot to death in the mansion of producer Phil Spector. Although she was a frequent bit-part player, (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The King of Comedy, Scarface) Ms. Clarkson played the lead in only a handful of films. I thought I had found one of them.

Well, Lana isn't in Female Mercenaries. Neither is Terri Anne Linn (The Bold and the Beautiful), Victor Izay (Young Guns), or Toni Naples (Sorceress), despite what the box says. These people have never worked together, as far as I can tell. The usually reliable Internet Movie Database (imdb) lists this film as a 1983 release and repeats the bogus cast list. I might be the first human being to have actually picked up a copy of Female Mercenaries, popped it into a VCR and watched it. What did I find out?

There is no such movie as Female Mercenaries - it does not exist. MCM entertainment, a long-defunct cheeseball video distributor, randomly picked a bunch of real actors' names and put them on the box. So, what movie is on the tape?

The Doll Squad (1973), starring Francine York, Herb Robins and Tura Satana (!), and directed by Ted V. Mikels.