Seamless: Kidz Rule

This movie was bad. We knew it when we rented it, it was re-enforced after watching the piece of crap. We saw the cover at the movie store, looked and saw "Rave" on the back of it, then had to see how bad they messed up their rave interpretations. I could tell you if they actually had raves in it. The 5 minutes of raver montage at the beginning was useless, but that could never out do the biggest laugh of the film. The idiot street kids lick AMBER!!! to get messed up. Yeah, that's right, fossilized friggin tree sap!!! I guess all of the drug dealers on earth are missing an open market. Overblown drug related effects, terrible acting, and enough happy happy joy joy love talk to make a self-help counseler vomit, I have to give this movie a negative 30 rating. Save the three bucks on the rental and buy a crack rock, at least you know beforehand you'll lose braincells.

I would like to consider myself a connoisseur of bad movies. I have witnessed some of the most unbearable atrocities ever put to film. Plan 9 From Outer-space. Red Zone Cuba. Batman and Robin. Surf Nazis Must Die. Sizzle Beach. These movies strike fear into the hearts of men, and cause small children to weep. Seamless is of this caliber. It's truly wonderful in its awful-ness. The acting of the `star' of the film Kentaro Seagal, is on par with Tor Johnson's stirring performance from Plan 9. The soundtrack is as miss-matched as Queen's epic opus from Flash Gordon. The dialog was as easy to follow as a David Lynch movie. There was no flow to the movie with scenes seemingly taken from random movies and placed into an order that made vague sense, with the transition from one to another being as easy to watch as extended footage of the psycho kid from down the street torturing small animals. I find it ironic that this movies is called Seamless. Seamless would indicate flow and continuity. Considering you are made painfully aware each time the camera shifts from one character to the next (or one location to the next) I would hardly call this travesty Seamless. Only two types of people will enjoy this film: those who've eaten lead paint chips as children and those who can appreciate an awful movie for its complete lack of quality. View at your own risk.

Sometimes, my brother and I get into little arguments. When he recommended a restaurant I thought sounded unappealing, I asked, "Why should we trust your judgment?" He countered by asking me for a specific instance in which his judgment was wholly at fault. I told him, "You rented the movie Seamless." Folks, this movie wins every time when the "What's the absolute worst movie you've seen?" question gets asked. My brother picked it because Shannon Elizabeth (who I don't even find very attractive) is centered on the cover. The fact is, Shannon Elizabeth can't act. A "good" Shannon Elizabeth role constitutes her getting naked. She doesn't even fulfill that requirement in Seamless.

What's the point? I win, brother.

"Kidz Rule," or "Seamless" as it was packaged at Video Hits Plus in Kalamazoo, is a horrible movie. The tragedy is that Shannon Elizabeth (of American Pie infamy) is the best actor in the cast. The protagonist, J.B. (Kentaro Seagal) reads lines like that kid behind you in High School who clearly hadn't made it past the 3rd grade reading level before Junior High. Not that he doesn't get everything one of those guys would have wanted in a throw-away love scene with Miss Elizabeth.

However, there is no nudity in this movie, and that really doesn't help the situation. With a movie like this, I'm surprised the director didn't ask for more skin when he realized what he was working with. There's plenty of sexuality without nudity, though - including one anxiety-ridden, stressed-out teenager who ends up trading sex for money.

One more thing I should mention is the character of Elmo, played by Broc Benedict. Truly heartbreaking in his over-acting, Broc is probably the most proficient actor after Shannon Elizabeth. If you think you've seen him before, you may have - he played the younger version of Eric Foreman in flashbacks on "That 70s Show."

I gave this a 2 out of 10. If you and your friends go to the video store and you see this on the shelf, you see Shannon Elizabeth staring at you with those "undress me" eyes, remember this review and put the movie back down. If you're that desperate for her, go watch American Pie again.

I usually like films that are a bit wild and "different." For example, I LOVE most indie films that I see. I am all for the off-beat and quirky. I saw this movie on the shelves at my local video store and jumped at the chance to go back to my old school days of "ravin' it up." UGH...this movie was so far off point, it was not even remotely funny. The acting was atrocious and the all the clubbers looked like the too-colorful looking characters from a bad Dr. Seuss book. Like I said before, I try and keep an open mind about all movies. But this is one movie that I regret ever getting. I was almost tempted to go back to the video store and demand a refund. Please, if anyone out there is even thinking about renting or watching this, DO NOT...your time and money are WAY too valuable!!!!!