Tou qing ke

Now this is my kind of crap! I'm saving this one for my kids, Godfrey Ho Jnr and Ninja Master Gordon Jnr! This may or may not be a Godfrey Ho film, but when you see a guy playing pool while hanging from a ceiling, you may start to think that Godfrey isn't a person, but a state of mind.

This one involves some white guy in Hong Kong in 1944 being chased by four ninjas (who can teleport etc). The white guy has a necklace which he gives to some local lad. After a confusing sequence where we see the same guy fighting the ninja on a beach, we fast forward to 1985 where fighter Wu ng Lee is hired by a local businessman to run a bar (and we see a woman strip topless and get Wung to sign her arse, but he draws a picture instead!). Wung's boss is the descendant of the guy with the necklace, and has somehow lost both halves of it, and needs it back as the Mafia are putting the squeeze on him.

Meanwhile, in the other film footage used, some young guy called Jimmy (after a particularly violent fight in a boxing ring) gets hired by the Boss from the new footage but before he finds out what he needs to do his middle boss gets killed. Meanwhile, in the new footage, Wu's boss is being neglected by her husband and starts up an affair with Wung, resulting in a sex scene that goes on forever, mostly using gym equipment! Did I mention that the old footage is from the mid-seventies? It stands out a mile. Except somehow it doesn't as Jimmy also seems to appear on screen with Wung Lee, which is really confusing because up to then I was certain this was a cut and paste film. My brain hurts.

The insanity then gets pushed further as Jimmy's boss, Redhead (literally a Chinese guy with red hair) thinks Jimmy has half the necklace (somehow, he does) and is intending on skipping town with Redhead's missus. Cue another sex scene and various battles. Jimmy is also up against two bad guys who have their own gangs (who also double as chairs for the bad guys – you have to see it to believe it) which results in a major ninja battle that goes on forever.

Meanwhile, Wung Lee gets his lover pregnant but wants to skip town with his fiancé while his boss is trying to kill him, resulting in the accidental killing of his lover and subsequent blackmail to go to Korea (where it turns out Jimmy lives). He's blackmailed by the bosses second in command, who also gets a sex scene. Everybody also forgets that a pregnant lady was killed about five minutes after it happens. That's life I guess.

Man, this is never ending! Except it does end rather abruptly after a few more fights, the worst speedboat chase ever, Redhead graphically getting his stomach blown out, and various other double crosses.

City Ninja, also maybe known as Ninja Holocaust, is one highly enjoyable pile of steaming crap. I can't believe I've written so much about the plot when most of the film involves battles and sex scenes. There's so much carnage and nudity in this film it's hard to complain about it, even though, you know, it's awful.

Highly recommended garbage!! Awful. Awfully good that is, in an awful way.

Two martial arts experts are hired by gangsters to retrieve a precious item that they covet. Namely, a valuable necklace which has been split into two parts but which will reveal a Swiss Bank Account number when brought together. Different people have the different parts and with two separate teams in pursuit, needless to say, this leads to quite a lot of incident.

City Ninja is an example of the kind of low budget action movies being churned out in Hong Kong by the mid 80's. Its cheapness means this is pretty basic stuff in a lot of ways. As is mostly the way with these types of movies, the story-line is strictly by-the-numbers stuff which only really is there as a means of getting from A to B with as much martial arts action as is possible. As such, it's not especially distinctive or memorable from others in its category but will no doubt satisfy fans of this sub-genre nevertheless. I personally thought it was marginally better than average for this type of flick. The fighting scenes were pretty well executed and fairly convincing, while the odd downbeat ending appealed to me on account of its unpredictable strangeness.

Casanova Wong stars in this gem and he lets his fists and feet (mostly feet) do the talking The fight scenes are packed with great choreography and frenetic energy. He has a great one on one with a boxer, a fight in a pool hall, sparking garage brawl, and an extended battle against ninjas and Chan Wai- Man. Casanova's Kicks are absolutely superb. The movie has a little twist at the end. The movie is let down by its frequent nudity but the back and forthness of scenes from Casanova Wong to Chan Wai- Man gives the film a flow and pattern to connect it all. Highly recommended.

Well first things first, the listing in question here is actually just another alternative title for the film Ninja Holocaust so don't be fooled! However, for all those who wish to read a review of this flick but can't be bothered typing in the said alternative title; fear not! - I've included the review below.

OK….let me try and shed some light on matters here….. As best as I could discern, the 'plot' involved a number of somewhat shady characters' search for a missing necklace that apparently had etched into it, the number to a Swiss bank account. Sounds simple enough? Well maybe on paper it might, but not on screen I can assure you! Containing enough sub plots to fill an average soap opera for a whole year, a veritable plethora of fight scenes (very well choreographed I might add) that break out at any given opportunity for no apparent reason whatsoever (!), a healthy dose of gratuitous nudity and sex (including one scene in which a couple are having intercourse in a boxing ring followed by on a rowing machine!) and a whole slew of characters who come and go without seeming explanation and you have one hell of a head scratching affair on your hands! But let's be honest – all this is such bloody hilarious fun! The film literally races along, not giving you time to take a breath from one energetic fight scene to another (or allowing you sufficient time to contemplate what the hell is in fact going on!) and when it eventually reaches it's abrupt ending you'll be left completely dumbfounded as to what in hell you've just sat through. Suffice to say, you won't really care as you'll be too busy nursing your stomach from laughing so hard throughout! Yes, it is indeed my honour to hereby award Ninja Holocaust/City Ninja the lofty status of a true bad movie classic! Tremendous fun from start to finish and I'm still none the wiser for what I've just sat through!

You know you're in for a rough ride when the box proudly proclaims that the characters in the film are "skilled in the use of deadly wapons" [sic]. The film stars Bruce Pok and Wang Li, whose names are written one above the other on the box trompe-l'oeil style to give the at-a-glance impression that we have a lost relic of the legendary Bruce Lee on our hands. Comfortingly, we see that the film is produced by the legendary Fuk brothers.

Initial disappointment that both the pictures and photographs displayed on the box bear absolutely no relation to the contents of the film is soon forgotten as incomprehension merges into glee as this little known treasure wends its way through the traffic of its stage.

The action begings on a beach in Hong Kong in 1944, where we see a man running for his life from several ninja assailants who seem literally to be exploding out of nowhere all about him. The quarry finds a peasant tending his paddy-field, and entrusts a necklace to him. We suppose that it is this that the ninjas seek.

Cut to modern day. Goodies and baddies alike search for the necklace. No reason is given, but there are enough spectacular scenes worked around this basic premise to keep even the keenest ninja hound at bay.

The snooker scene is a classic of the genre, and the terrifying, but aptly named, Red-Head leaves a chill in his wake. The hero's brother, Ha Soi, even has a tip for the female viewer, as he concocts a health-enhancing but surprisingly delicious-looking brew consisting of raw eggs and vinegar. His brother's performance on the rowing machine shortly after partaking of this potion is laudable.

The film ends as suddenly and bewilderingly as it began, with the viewer, if no further enlightened as to the whereabouts of the necklace, at least a good 90 minutes older, and wiser in the ways of Hong Kong movie-making.

A word for our foreign viewer: both dialogue-dubbing and background music blend superbly with the whole to provide a uniquely satisfying frisson between Oriental drama and Occidental knock-about comedy, the idea being that non-intentional humour is always far more effective.

Congratulations, those boys from Hong Kong.