Confesiones de un Taxi Driver

Never one to pass up a good band wagon he could hop onto, small time independent producer Stanley Long saw the benefits major player Columbia was reaping from its innocuously naughty CONFESSIONS series with Robin Askwith portraying hapless Timothy Lea and decided that, yes, he would have a bit of that ! Already beaten to the punch as far as peeping tom window cleaners and pop performers knee-deep in groupies were concerned, he and regular screenwriter Suzanne Mercer (ironically, herself a reformed groupie and author of the supposedly autobiographical script for Long's surprise smash hit GROUPIE GIRL) turned their attentions towards another profession legendary for its lusty Lotharios, the London cabbie ?!

Now you must understand something about the British sex comedy and, by extension, the British themselves. These frothy farces play much like popular TV sitcoms like, say, ON THE BUSES or SOME MOTHERS DO 'AVE 'EM but with a little bit of what the goggle box would not allow in the form of nowadays - and actually even back then - really rather tame nudity, made to seem a lot dirtier by the leering, wink-wink, nudge-nudge approach. As any attempt at genuine eroticism made domestic audiences uncomfortable, evoked by disappointing box office takings for the likes of Henry Herbert's AWAKENING OF EMILY and Chris Boger's CRUEL PASSION, this tits 'n' titters combo proved just the meal ticket Long was looking for, jump-starting a separate series that ran for three episodes (subsequent installments concerning private detectives and...plumbers ?!) with several more planned that sadly (?) went unrealized.

Adhering to tried and true formula, Long secured the talents of Barry Evans (star of the hit TV show DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE and its follow-up DOCTOR AT LARGE) for the central part of working class laddie Joe North and surrounded him with many comfortingly familiar faces for the home viewing audience he was trying to lure away from their sets with the promise of T&A. Post-war British bombshell Diana Dors had a few funny scenes as Joe's loud-mouthed single mom with three kids sired by different dads and was starting to carve out a niche as a sexploitation character actress since American director Joe Sarno had cast her as the whorehouse Madam in EVERY AFTERNOON. Formerly respectable comedienne Liz Fraser showed no shame as kindhearted working girl Maisie in one of the film's best gags when Joe's sudden slamming the brakes makes her back seat fellatio end in tears. Already a sitcom veteran by her mid-20s, Adrienne Posta gives it her all as our hero's obnoxious fiancée Carol.

Plot, such as it is, concerns Joe trying to leave an overpopulated homestead by working long hours as a London cab driver and the outrageous scrapes he gets himself into, effectively breaking down the narrative into a series of sketches building variety show style towards punchlines. Joe shacks up with buddy Tom, a greasy mechanic played in an early professional assignment by Robert Lindsay, best know for heading the cast of long-running BBC sitcom MY FAMILY, who has just moved in with sweet stripper Nikki (Blighty cinema royalty Judy Geeson, who doesn't bare much of anything, profession notwithstanding) who keeps a python around the house as part of her act. One of the more extended stretches has the trio inviting Nikki's fellow stripper Helga (Anna Bergman, Ingmar's daughter, making her Brit sex film debut) over for a game of strip poker, ending in a bedroom romp with Joe, rudely interrupted by Carol. A bungled diamond heist takes up flick's latter part in a fruitless effort to tie up loose ends.

Technically on the crude side with flat, colorless cinematography by Peter Sinclair (who would shoot Madonna's legendary Like a Virgin video), movie's not without its share of laughs for the undemanding. The late Prudence Drage (also in Martin Campbell's ESKIMO NELL and Derek Ford's SEXPLORER) has a field day as an upper-crust pick-up who bemoans the clothing industry's poor workmanship as her fancy frock "accidentally" falls to the floor. Respected denizen of stage and screen Angela Scoular, who played Cathy in a '60s BBC version of WUTHERING HEIGHTS, performs surprisingly extensive nudity as the wife of a wealthy businessman who has inadvertently locked herself out of the house and winds up sharing a particularly uncomfortable bubble bath with Joe. Benny Hill's straight man Henry McGee turns up as the police inspector in film's final scene. Long most obviously flirted with the CONFESSIONS franchise by casting its leading lady Linda Hayden's sister Jane as suicide-prone drama queen Linda (!) in an amusing bit with DAD'S ARMY's Ian Lavender.

I could not recommend this film, unless you are a fan of similarly-themed films of this period, such as 'Percy's Progress' and 'No Sex Please, We're British', and of course the 'Carry On' films, although this is on a par with the worst of them, not the best. It consisted mainly of Barry Evans (who had previously starred in 'Doctor in the House' and 'Doctor at Large') having meaningless sexual encounters with a number of women, and walking around with his tackle out.

It is generally believed that Barry Evans appeared in this film to rid himself of his wholesome 'Doctor' image. He never really succeeded (he was later cast as the straight-laced English teacher in 'Mind Your Language'). This film would not appeal to his mainstream fans, and its appeal as a tits-and-bums English film (if you like that sort of thing) is pretty low. It was dismal.

The first in a series of abysmal Confessions-wannabes, the Adventures trilogy are sterile, desperately unfunny sex comedies, with horrendous direction and dire production values.

The first starred a miscast Barry Evans, trying hard to be laddish but drawing somewhat short. He's a sensitive chap, the sort that can tell "whether a bird's had a right good seeing-to the night before" and cheers himself up by "picking up a bit of crumpet." Evans's constant talking straight to camera is supposed to be endearing, but it's really just irritating. Christopher Neil's Bob West made this a more likeable trait in Adventures of a Private Eye, though it was toned down and notably dropped altogether for the third film in the franchise.

The series always goes farther than Confessions ever did, too. So that while Timmy Lea's escapades were really the next generation of Carry Ons with a few more boobs, the Adventures have a slightly nasty edge. After four weeks of watching Robin Askwith's rear end it's a shock to see Evans's and Neil's willy flapping all over the place, and the sex scenes are notably more graphic. In particular, a scene intimating a woman being penetrated by a snake lurches the film towards X-rated territory. Sex with animals seemed to be a particular preoccupation of the series, with the second sequel, Plumber's Mate, featuring a coupling with a mouse. Look out too for pathetically staged "squashed cat" scenario (cue man off camera making unconvincing "cat" noises), the nadir of Plumber's Mate, one of the most amateurish films I've ever seen.

On the subject of the sequels, Private Eye surprises by being halfway decent, though still cries out for incidental music to perk up the somewhat lifeless atmosphere. Even performing the theme song, Christopher Neil gives a zippy, amiable performance, something he was unable to do with the obnoxious character of Sid South in Plumber's Mate. One thing the series did bring to the proceedings was plots, so much so that Private Eye even largely forgets to put the sex into sex comedy. It takes away the nasty edge for once, and is more traditionally humorous. (Basically, it's got some jokes in it.)

But back to Taxi Driver, a picture that never gets started. The irksome theme tune is sung twice during the movie in a flagging bid to pep up proceedings, and five times as an instrumental. David Brierley (One of the K-9s from Doctor Who, no less!) provides an opening monologue, juxtaposing images of cab life with an upbeat narration. So then when he talks about the "gallant knights of the road", we see a cabbie flicking the v-sign, and so on. And on. And on. Like the rest of the films pace, it's a joke that wears thin after the first three seconds, and positively aches by being extended past its natural lifespan.

Transvestites, prostitutes and oral sex references, the weirdest thing about all this is that this sexist tripe was written by a woman.

There is a video game from Sega called Crazy Taxi, in which you drove a taxi all over a city in a haphazard matter to earn bigger money and tips from your fares. But that game pales in comparision to this movie, the true "Crazy Taxi".

Barry Evans (who would ironically live his last years driving taxis after a succesful career as a British-sitcom star) plays Joe North, a taxi driver in London who is the subject of the adventure. There's no real plot, just him getting into all sorts of sexual situations with women of varying degrees of beauty. We see him talking into the camera to the audience about his plans to woo the women he meets into having sexual encounters with him.

Evans is pretty good, about the same as Christopher Neil would be in the next two films. Stephen Lewis (Inspector Blakey of "On The Buses" fame) has a small role as a doorman in a strip club. The aging Diana Dors plays Joe's mother. An O.K. timewatcher, but it's quite titalating at times (talky too). Bravo (The Canadian version) loves showing these 70's British sex comedies; they've shown three "Adventures" movies.

For some reason, they borrowed a bit of Sesame Street's theme song's music to create theirs.

There's a reason why when you think of British sex comedies of the '70s, you think of Robin Askwith and a whole bunch of movies with "Confessions of" in the title:

Askwith was the only decent lead any of these movies had. He was charismatic and somewhat believable as a hapless boy-next-door type who couldn't believe his luck. This world of easy sex wasn't yours, but nor was it his. You rooted for him.

Hard as it may be to believe, Barry Evans in the "Adventures of..." series is probably the second best lead, which should give you an idea of the gulf between Askwith and all the others. Evans just isn't a lead. He seems untrustworthy and sleazy. When he goes into a nudie booth early in the movie, you can't help thinking that he looks like someone employed by the establishment to entice wandering gentlemen. It *is* his world.

Aside from its lacklustre hero, the movie is pretty much what you'd expect from this sort of thing: Evans plays a taxi driver who meets a bunch of strange women, generally ends up getting naked with them, and is then surprised before, during or after the act of coitus when the husband comes home, or Evans' fiancée, or whoever else. It's basically the set-up for a zillion cheap pornos: guy meets woman, they engage in mundane chit-chat, they have sex. But it's not a porno, so the sex is interrupted somehow. Rinse, repeat.

The only thing to set it apart from the "Confessions" series is how boring it is. They were no great shakes themselves, but they were at least entertaining. They also had some kind of a narrative. This is an episodic movie simply by virtue of having no story.

It also pulls the oldest trick in the book: the old "hero falls for a woman who is really a man" trick. Am I in the minority in never, ever finding the sight of a man dressed in women's clothes to be funny?

Oh, and I may as well say something about the casting, aside from Evans. Diana Dors, Britain's answer to Marilyn Monroe, appears as Evans' mother, making you wonder why they didn't cast her as one of the women he has it off with instead. She's not that much older than him, and is much more fetching than most of the other ladies. Why reduce a famous sex symbol to a frumpy housewife before her time?

The only other actress who makes a positive impression is the whimsical Jane Hayden, sister of the more famous b-movie sexpot Linda Hayden. Evans saves Hayden from jumping off a bridge, the weather looking so grey and overcast and depressing that you wonder why she didn't do it sooner.