Don't Go in the Woods

Don't Go in the Woods (2010)

BOMB (out of 4)

Vincent D'Onofrio makes his feature directing debut with this horror film, which is one of the most original in recent years but it's also one of the worst. A band goes into the woods to try and come up with some new songs and before long their girlfriends show up as well. Soon afterwards (in their time, not the viewers) a psycho shows up with a sledge hammer and begins to kill them. This is not a remake of the same titled 1981 slasher but it's too bad it isn't because this film is simply awful. I love watching horror movies and I love watching bad movies but every once in a while I come across a film that just makes me downright angry and this is one of them. The entire movie is simply a waste of time and I'd really love to hear from D'Onofrio on what he was trying to do. Minus the end credits this thing runs 82-minutes and the deaths scenes really don't start until the 65-minute mark. So, what's going on at the start of the film? Band practice. For well over a hour we do nothing but listen to this band sing one song after another. Yes, they're bad songs. Yes, they're annoying songs. Yes they keep coming again and again and again. Is this original? It sure is but who wants something like this? Did the director really think horror fans were going to sit through this music and be entertained? Did he really think having all the violence take place in a ten-minute period would make up for it? This is just a flat out confusing movie because while it's technically well made and most of the performances are good, there's just no point in watching it. The twist at the end doesn't work and isn't nearly as clever as everyone thought it was. I'm guessing that someone came up with this ending and then tried to build a film around it but the result is one of the worst movies in recent years. Technically speaking this movie is better than a lot of the genre films out there now but that doesn't add any entertainment. DON'T GO IN THE WOODS needs to be shot and then taken to the woods and left.

Oh where to begin, where to begin. Let's start easy with the premise of this movie and how stupid it is. So, it is kind of a known tradition by most music fans that many of bands in the past have shuffled off to some remote place to write and record an album. Just like some authors do it too. They do it to get away from any and all distractions and to allow their artistic and creative juices to flow. These morons however choose to go on a camping trip to do this. Yep, a band goes into the woods to write music, with no shelter from the elements for their instruments and you guessed it, no electricity to power their instruments! All to try to score a record deal. So, they only bring acoustic guitars, except the blind bass player, yep, you read right and I'll even say it again, blind bass player, he brings his actual electric bass. Have fun playing that in the woods with no electricity or amp. Amazingly though, when he plays his bass sounds like it's being played through an Amp. It must be one of those magic fairy dust woodland amps that are invisible and don't require electricity. The drummer brings simply a snare and some bongos and well the keyboardist lucked out that his instrument can work on batteries. Yep they're gonna make great songs that will totally land them a record deal, please.

So now the campsite is set up and they start cranking out tunes, yep this movie straight turns into an episode of Glee, and you thought you were watching a horror movie. Jokes on you if you actually watch this movie.

These guys all look like hippy Beattie rejects and the blind bass player resembles the looney tunes buzzard. Google it if you're too young to know who that is. Did I mention the songs were terrible? So Mr head honcho, singer... even though they all sing? Anyway won't let them do drugs or drink or have phones, nothing. How are these guys expecting to let their creative juices flow without stimulants? Yeah, they think they're that good, rolls eyes.

Night one some of the guys gfs and some groupies apparently stalked them and crash their little song writing get away. Gotta have chick's in a "horror" movie right? Oh and guess what? Just like in an episode of glee, the girls can sing and play and song write too! Oh boy!

So Mr Madonna singer is super mad and is treating his gf like dirt, the rest of the guys are happy to see girls and booze like real Rockstars would be in, well any situation. Next morning Madonna wakes everyone up bright and early to run the girls off so they can focus on writing their Mr Hollands Opus masterpieces. This is as far as I've honestly gotten, that's how annoyed I was with this stupid movie, I paused it to write this review. Not to mention I've FF through a 1/4 of it just to avoid listening to the stupid songs, cause yeah they all suck and sound the same. What do you expect when you restrict yourself to only instruments that can be played without electricity cause you thought it was a good idea to write and record, oh yeah, we all know how songs sound the absolute best on little pocket tape recorders right? Moving on, write and record music in the woods.

I'll come back and update after I make it to the end of this steaming pile of doody, assuming I can. Never have I wanted every character to die so badly in a "horror" movie, if you can even call this that.

Update time: So it got worse and the killer cant kill these tools fast enough. They managed to get so many more songs out OMG. There might be one teeny tiny saving grace, no no I changed my mind. If you do decide to watch this, pay attention to the ridiculously goofy and dumb faces the singer makes when singing oh it's too much lol. Just terrible God awful movie, avoid at all costs.

Before I say anything about the movie, I want readers to know that I love horror movies, and the idea of a horror/musical to me sounds like it could be awesome. I thoroughly enjoy horror movies of all kinds, especially the really bad ones that just make you laugh.

Don't Go in the Woods is a total disgrace to horror film. I've seen hundreds of horror films, and I seriously cannot remember the last time I was this irritated by a one. This movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities. From square one you're forced to endure crappy songs over and over and over and over again. Fine, I get the whole "band in the woods trying to get inspired" thing, but it seems like the director for some reason needed every single insignificant "actor" in the film to get a solo song performance, which just makes no sense to me at all. Another thing is that the music gets more and more irritating as the movie goes along. Just when you think you're free from the terrible music, and you might actually get some horror or gore, another cheese-ball "I'm so sad" song that's even worse than the last starts right up again. At some point I couldn't hold myself back from fast forwarding through them, which was about when I realized just how much of this movie is occupied by bad music. Some of the songs are even repeated by different characters in the movie, making them even more frustratingly bad.

It's really beyond me how anyone could positively review this piece of work. Fine if you like the idea of a horror/musical, and fine if you think it's "original", but the aggravatingly repetitive songs, the too-little-too-late killings, the fragmented straw-man plot, the absolute lack of suspense, the terrible acting, and most of all the HORRIBLE score make this movie a 0/10 in my book.

I hardly ever write reviews on here, but if even one person reads this review and decides against watching this movie, then at least I've saved one soul. Movies like this are like land mines waiting to be stepped on so they can reveal just how bad a movie can get.

I URGE readers to just leave this one alone. It's terrible, and NOT the good kind of terrible. It's not funny, or clever, or really anything but obnoxious.

Disastrous.

I only watched this because I was interested to watch what D'Onofrio could come up with.

I wish I hadn't.

Its a horrible movie.

When i first heard of a possible remake of the 1982 low-budget shocker , i was ready. I remember seeing it at the drive in,way back when.I got a call from a friend to come over to watch the 2010 film of the same name. Was i going to like it ?-well,i was all for it.After 12-15 min. into the movie,i thought" lots of focus on this "band". I waited for a scene where someone ,or something is watching them,ready for one of them to leave the group,go off to pee,or make the beast with 2 backs,and get killed.Well,instead,they broke into ....more lame songs.It was at this point,i realized i was watching a musical.Now,i do watch them sometimes,and i did make it thru "Little shop of horror"(both versions),but this movie was not what i expected.Long scenes of singing,at the strangest times,a story that makes no sense,very little blood,sub-par effects,and basic camera work made this a LONG watch.i did make it till the end,but felt like a ass,for sticking around.All in all,i have seen much better musicals,and WAY better horror films.To me,this movie fails on BOTH levels.