Spare the Rod Love the Child

© 1996 Anne B. Gielisse, MA, ARNP, CNS. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

All examples used in this book are fictional, except those cited from my personal life. Any resemblance to actual individuals, couples, families, or situations, is purely coincidental.

Published by AuthorHouse   10/19/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7923-6 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

ONE Parenting with Love

A Family In Distress

What Has Gone Wrong In This Family?

Single Mothers And Fathers

Step-Parents Face Additional Challenges

What Happens To The Children?

The Stress-Abuse Cycle

What Kind Of Legacy Are We Passing On?

Helping Our Families

Love Begins In The Home

How To Show Children That You Love Them

Beyond The Nuclear Family

TWO What Is Love?

How Do You Open Your Heart?

Recognizing Unconditional Love

Loving Yourself Versus Self-Indulgence

Love And Fear

The Impact Of Indifference

The Importance Of Love

Teaching Children To Love Themselves

Single Parenting

THREE About Children

The Emotional Needs Of Youngsters

Guiding Children With Love

Safe Touch

The Challenges Of Raising Children

Releasing And Letting Go Of Negative Feelings

Children In Grown-Up Shoes.

Learning To Meet Your Own Needs

The Other Side Of The Coin: Smothering.

Guiding Your Children With Love

Recipe For Unconditional Loving

FOUR Fathers, Mothers, And Others

The Child Within You

Reaching Out To Your Inner Child

Becoming Playful

Learning How To Work Playfully

How To Love And Support Your Partner’s Inner Child

Those Who Raise Children Require Community Support

FIVE Padding Your Home with Love

How To Pad Your Home With Love

Improving Your Relationships

Verbalizing Feelings Appropriately

Communication

Communication And Divorced Parents

Communication For Step-Parents And Step-Children

Preparing For Baby’s Arrival

SIX A Child Is Born: Conception, Birth and Infancy

Emotional And Spiritual Aspects Of Conception

Making Your Relationship More Joyful

Music Helps Shift Your Focus.

Foreplay Begins Long Before The Tryst

Abandoning Yourself To Good Feelings

Sexual Difficulties

Conception

Support For Dad

Preparing For Labor And Delivery

The Absentee Father

Emotional And Spiritual Needs During Labor And Delivery

Special Needs Of Single Mothers

The Emotional Needs Of The Infant

Providing Security For Your Child

Infants Understand More Than You Think.

How To Ease The Transition Of Your Newborn Into Earth Space

SEVEN Early Childhood: Exploring and Absorbing

The Terrific Two’s And Three’s

Choices, Choices: The Fabulous Four’s And Five’s

The Perils Of Early Childhood

Mental And Emotional Needs In Early Childhood

Bed-Time Scenarios

The Importance Of Play

Setting Limits And Boundaries

Disciplining Children In The Early Years

Disciplining With Love

The Fine Art Of Praising

Opportunity And Challenge

EIGHT Middle Childhood: Expanding Horizons

The Magical Middle Years

Mental And Emotional Needs In The Middle Years

Let There Be Praise!

Discovering Talents

Let’s Talk About Criticism

Critiquing Children With Love

How Do You Discipline With Love At This Stage?

About Lying

Peer Pressure

School And Homework

Take An Interest In School

Pre-Puberty

Mood Swings

What About Sex Education?

Having Fun

Fun Times Together

NINE Pre-puberty and Puberty: Experimentation and Turbulence

Late Childhood Into Early Teens

Emotional Support Is Crucial At This Time

The Family Council

Fun Times Together

Activities That Young People Enjoy

Discipline

To Be Or Not To Be: The Urge To End It All

Bodily Changes And Fluctuating Moods

Budding Sexuality And Emotional Needs

Talking About Sex

Preventing Early Teen Pregnancies

Dealing With Pregnancy

Challenges And Opportunities Of Late Childhood

TEN Post-Puberty: The Roller Coaster Years

Adolescence: Age Fifteen To Eighteen

Change Is The Order Of The Day.

Right Now, Running Away To A Monastery Seems Like A Good Idea

Surviving And Thriving

Emotional Needs Of Maturing Teenagers

The Drive To Rebel

Gender Issues

How You Can Help

Boundaries And Limit Setting

Age-Appropriate Consequences

Parties

Alcohol And Drug Use

Getting Help For Youngsters With Drug Problems

How Can You Tell Whether A Teenager Is Depressed?

What Can You Do To Help?

Suicide Risk

Teen Sex And Pregnancy

Adolescence Is A Time Of Growth

ELEVEN Dealing With Life’s Curve Balls

Growing Through Crisis

Crisis As Opportunity: Stretching Yourself Spiritually

Killer Grudges

How To Release Grudges.

When Children Grieve

Helping Children With Their Sorrow

Get Help!

Assisting Youngsters With Disabilities

Healing Is A Process That Takes Time

TWELVE Adult Children: Letting Go

Continuing The Connection

Meeting Your Own Needs

Pets Are A Wonderful Resource

Meditation

Filling The Empty Nest

Building An Adult Relationship With Grown Children

How To Live Happily Ever After

The Tapestry Of Life

THIRTEEN The Power of Love

Love As Healer

Healing Yourself

The Circle In Love And Healing

The Four Directions Within The Circle Of Spiritual Healing With Unconditional Love

We Can Assist Grandmother Earth In Her Healing

What About The Children?

Fulfilling Our Contract With The Creator

What Is Love?

Reading Resources

If We Are To Reach Real Peace

In This World,

We Shall Have To Begin

With The Children.

MAHATMA GANDHI

Dedicated to

My daughters and my granddaughter

And all families and children everywhere

Acknowledgments

I thank my family for encouraging my interest in families; my daughters and my granddaughter for their loving support and creative assistance; Peter J. Gielisse, PhD for the cover photograph and for editing; James S. Ackerman, PhD for his editing suggestions; David C. Reber, B.Arch. for his counsel and his review; my teachers and friends who have assisted me in making this book a reality; and Maggie, my cat for her unconditional love.

FOREWORD

I was a young teenager when my family arrived on the shores of the United States of America. Refugees from war-torn Europe, we had lost our home and most of our material possessions. My parents came with six children, much anticipation, and little else. Soon, three more little ones joined our ranks.

It was a challenging time for us. To this day I don’t know how my parents managed to start over in a place so different from that of their origins, with nine children. They made mistakes. There were disappointments, there was much stress. They were fearful, yet I never saw them abdicate to fear. And we always kept on loving one another. We had that sense of family.

I am intrigued by my parents’ approach to raising us. Yes, as a teenager and young adult, I was critical of my mother and father. Why didn’t they do this or that better, and why didn’t they tell us they loved us! Yet somehow we all knew that they did love us. When the world seemed uncaring and less than impressed with our talents, we could count on being received with open arms when we returned home. Throughout all the tough breaks that we experienced, it was the sense of being wanted, of being part of that clan which gave us the will to survive and grow.

When I became a mother, I was not yet a family therapist. Therefore, like most parents, I learned my skills on the job. I made many mistakes, and learned from them. In the process, I became fascinated with the structure and functioning of the human family. Already a nurse, I went back to college and on to graduate school in order to acquire more knowledge. I became a counselor, educator, and family therapist.

Over the years, I have guided numerous individuals, couples, families, and children of all ages. As I myself have continued to grow spiritually, something beautiful has happened. I have come to realize that the essence of mothering and fathering, the most important parenting skill, is love, unconditional love. I have also learned that, while we all possess the talent to love without conditions, few are born with that expertise in place. The good news is that this ability can be learned.

What do you need to do to learn unconditional loving? Let me be your guide. Let me teach you how to love in that fashion. And when you have mastered that skill, I will show you how to guide children with that kind of love.

And remember: children come to us on loan so that we may guide them with love and give them a good start in life.

Children Are

Our Most Valuable Natural Resource.

HERBERT HOOVER

INTRODUCTION

WE DO NOT OWN OUR CHILDREN

Children come to us on loan so that we may love them and give them a good start in life. That’s it! They are not here to serve us, to make us feel good, or to make up for our shortcomings. Our role is to hold up the light, to show them the way. In other words, we are here to guide them with love, until they become adults. A responsibility of great magnitude indeed! For we prepare our offspring for a life of which we have no knowledge, for a time which we may never see. There is much that we can give them to ease their path, but what matters most is love, unconditional love that accepts and respects the child without judgment, without conditions. When that love is present on a sustained basis throughout childhood, youngsters thrive. It gives them the opportunity to acquire a healthy self esteem and to learn to respect others as well as themselves.

There are many types of families. Humanity, in its drive for diversity, has developed a multitude of religious preferences. Is it surprising that we would be equally creative in the expression of the very foundation of society, the family? Married, single; nuclear, extended; gay, straight; adoptive, or step families all can give to their youngsters that crucial ingredient which they must have to thrive, love. How their clan is put together matters little to children. The only concern of any importance whatsoever is that they have one or more caring adults who give them support and, most of all, unconditional love.

When they function well, families extend to children what no other institution in our society has been able to impart, a sense of knowing that they are wanted. This is the foundation of self esteem. It is that precious something that spawns the belief in ourselves, which gets us through even the most turbulent waters that life can present. In this world, filled with uncertainty and doubt, there is one flagship, the family, which can cast a bright beacon of light on the uncharted waters ahead.

In my experience, most of those who care for children yearn to be more loving toward them. Yet some don’t know how to do that. They can’t accept themselves or any one else without judgment. How, then, can they love children without conditions? And how can youngsters learn about unconditional love from adults who don’t know how to love themselves?

SPARE THE ROD LOVE THE CHILD will show you a path into the domain of unconditional loving. The adventure begins with the first step: honoring and loving you, yourself, no strings attached, as a son or daughter of the Creator. Next, you will enter the world of the child, where you will discover the mental, emotional and spiritual needs of boys and girls during every phase of childhood. This will help you to understand youngsters better, so that you may become more accepting and loving toward them. Once introduced to that art, you will have the opportunity to learn how to guide children with love.

This book shows how to meet the needs of boys and girls of all ages, set limits, and discipline, with unconditional love, at every stage of development. The final chapter explains how you can maintain a healthy relationship with your offspring once they are grown, and how you can meet your own needs when they leave home.

Helpful exercises give you the opportunity to apply your new skills to your situation. This activity gives you the opportunity to express yourself and to help release new information into the data base of your mind.

SPARE THE ROD LOVE THE CHILD is written for parents, grandparents, teachers, child care and health professionals, neighbors, public servants, business people, anyone who works with, cares about, or is affected by children.