How To Find The Right Person To Date: A Step By Step Guide To Finding The Right Partner And Detecting An Abuser

How To Find

The Right Person To Date

A step by step guide to finding the right partner

and detecting an abuser

By Celia John

Copyright 2014 Celia John

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it for your use only, then please return to Smashwords. Com and purchase your own copy, Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Also by Celia John, Published at Smashwords

The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know

Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy

Love Poems

Poems

Poetry

http://www.overcomebooks.com

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1: Domestic Violence and Abuse

Experiences of Abused Women

Types of Abuse

Abusive Relationships

Types of Abuse

Characteristics of an Abuser

Myths Concerning Domestic Abuse

How the Abuser Gains Control and Power

The Abusive Partner and Sex

The Abusive Partner and their Children

Consequences of Abuse on Personality Development

Chapter 2: The Role of Relationships

A Good Relationship

The Impact of a Positive Relationship

Family Dynamics

Theories of Domestic Abuser

Characteristics of a Good Partner

Chapter 3: Relationship Diagnosis

Examination of Feelings in the Relationship

Examination of Your Behaviour

Examination of Your Partner’s Behaviour

Examination of Your Relationship

Relationship Checklist

Self Examination

Chapter 4: What To Do If You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Change Your Behaviour

Express Your Anger

Decide What You Want in a Relationship

Make a Decision

Stay or Leave? The Choice is Yours

Barriers to Leaving

Plans for Leaving

After You Leave

Chapter 5: How to Avoid Getting into an Abusive Relationship

The Power of Knowledge

Abuser Checklist

Understanding the Legacy of the Past

Heal the Hurt Child Within

Self-Esteem

How to Develop High Self-Esteem

Avoiding Abuse

Chapter 6: Recovery from Abuse

Healing from Abuse

Feelings about Relationships

Impact of Abuse on Children

The Healing Power of Tears

Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Getting Support

Starting a New Relationship

More Books from Celia John

Resources

Bibliography

Preface

Let's face it. There are people out there who have the potential to turn out to be an abuser. What's my definition of an abuser? It is someone who intentionally harms you. It could be physically, emotionally or verbally. My ex-husband was an abuser. He was abusive, rotten, unkind and a psycho. He stalked me and was just plain obsessed with me. He could not accept that our marriage was over and even when we separated he could not let go. I wrote this book for all the women and men out there who do not want to get involved with an abuser. So for those of you who do not want to end up with an abusive partner you need to read this book.

I wrote this book for everyone out there who wants a good partner to love and be with. If you want to know how to find a good relationship and escape dating an abuser read this book. You will gain the knowledge you need to escape the pain and hurt of being with someone who does not love you and only wants to hurt you. All of us want to be loved and respected. Everyone deserves to have love and have a good partner. The goal of this book is to give everyone the knowledge they need to have a positive relationship and avoid abuse.

Introduction

I never thought that I would be abused. I thought abuse was something that happened to someone else, not me. If someone had told me that one day I would choose a partner that would try to destroy me I would have told them that they were crazy. But the sad thing about life is that bad things happen. I met a man that I thought I was in love with. We got married and he turned into an abuser. If I had known the signs of an abuser I would have run a mile and never given him a chance. Unfortunately, I did not know the signs of an abuser.

In the beginning he was nice, kind and considerate. He was not abusive at all. The abuse started when I was deeply involved with him and after I had gotten pregnant. By then it was too late. I was already carrying his child. If I had picked up a book that described abusive relationships and what to look for maybe I would have recognized that I was being abused and left him. But I was blind. Blind by naivety, lack of knowledge and just plain feeling obligated to be with him because I was pregnant.

I wish now I had never met my former partner. The relationship has left scars on me that will never be erased. I wish I could wipe away all the horrible memories from my mind but I can't. I have to live with what happened to me. At least now I can think about it and not feel the horrible pain of it. But it took a long time for my memories to heal. Being a survivor of domestic violence is not easy. Not many people understand what we go through. And there are always people who will say it was your fault. There are some people who will take the abuser's side. Ignore them. You know what happened; you know what you went through.

I am writing this book because I survived abuse. I survived being with an abuser and managed to escape an abusive relationship. I have taken the time over the years since the abuse to analyze the signs of abusers. I do not want anyone to go through what I went through with my ex-husband. Being with an abuser is like hell on earth. A hell that you may think you will never escape from. I thought I would never get away from my ex-husband. He used to make me feel like I would be stuck with him forever. I swore to myself that I would get away from him even if it killed me. For the sake of my daughter and my own sanity I knew I had to get away. And get away I did.

I wrote this book for those of you who are going through abuse and those of you who do not want to be abused. I know I can't help everyone. But maybe if this book helps someone to leave an abusive relationship it will have been worthwhile to write this book. The purpose of my book is simple. I want to help you learn how to avoid dating an abuser. If you learn this then the rest is easy. It is better to avoid being sick then to be cured of it. In other words, it is better never to get involved with an abusive partner then to end up with one and struggle to leave the relationship. If you would like to learn how to avoid dating an abuser then this book was created for you.

You will learn how to identify the signs of an abuser, their personality traits and how to identify abusive behaviours. You will also gain some insight into what may attract us to abusive people and what we can do about it. Insight into who we are and how our family environment has affected us is the key to avoiding abusive relationships. Knowledge is power and I want to pass the power of this knowledge to everyone so that no one has to end up in an abusive relationship, trapped, feeling powerless and not knowing how to get out.

Chapter 1 Domestic Violence and Abuse

Experiences of Abused Women

Abuse affects everyone. These are the voices of abused women.

For Pamela the abuse started after her children were born: She says in her own words...And you can see things changing like you know becoming a parent. He wouldn't listen to me or help me and by that time I had my second child and after that it just got worse. He was physically abusing me from about when my kids were three years old.

Pamela's children witnessed the abuse and as a result her son also began to abuse her. He became physically abusive to her and even tried to strangle her. Pamela did not know how to help her son. She had sent him to see a psychologist but he would refuse to speak to her. She had her son referred to social services to see if a social worker would refer him for therapy but he was not referred. For Pamela her suffering continues even after separation from her husband because her son has now developed behavioural problems and is constantly abusing her.

Yvonne suffered years of abuse. She says, I've got long years of domestic violence. It has been quite horrendous and is something that has affected my health. Yvonne still has health problems long after the abuse has ended.

Deedra left Sierre Leone to come and live in the United Kingdom with her husband. She explains My husband married me from back home and he bought me here but since I came here it was not good between us. He was abusing me, wasn't letting me talk to people, controlling me, even my private life. He kept control, telling me he is the one who bought me here and he should control everything of my life.

Deedra’s husband was very controlling and the last straw came when he beat me and I was holding the baby when he gave me a slap so since that day I make up my mind that I will bear no more. So I decided to walk out. Deedra left her husband and went to stay with a friend.

All of these women have been through abuse and survived it. They have suffered financial abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse. These women chose not to stay with their abusive partners. When you are involved in an abusive relationship you have a choice. You do not have to stay. You can choose to say no to abuse and leave.

What is abuse? Abuse can be defined as any behaviour or action that results in harm to another person. The abuse can take the form of domestic violence. Women's Aid (2009) defines domestic violence as physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate of family-type relationship that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This includes forced marriage and so called honour crimes.

Sandra Horley (1998) does not use the term domestic violence. She uses the terminology Woman Abuse and states that woman abuse is the repeated, habitual and random use of intimidation, whether by physical or verbal aggression, to force a woman to submit to her partner's demands. It can be noted that Horley sees domestic violence as gender violence against women. However, Women's Aid views domestic violence not as gender violence but as violence that occurs in the context of an intimate relationship.

There are various types of abuse. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual and financial. I will describe in detail each type of abuse and how it can occur in the context of a relationship.

Types of Abuse

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is when physical violence is used against you. This can involve hitting you in any way to cause harm to you physically. An abuser who harms you physically is violent. An abusive person can hit you whenever they feel like it and they do not always have to have a reason. One characteristic of physical abusers is hitting you and then being very sorry afterwards. They may blame you for the beatings. For example, they may say after a beating, You did not make the dinner on time. You know how angry that makes me. Or they may say, I am so frustrated at work. I did not mean it. Please forgive me.

Physical abusers justify their behaviour by blaming the abuse on their victims and deliberately making them feel like it is their fault. If