Send To All Your Friends

Send To All Your Friends

Humorous email Forwards

Roger Pooley

Copyright Roger Pooley 2013

Published at Smashwords

Send To All Your Friends

Humorous email Forwards

Compiled By Roger Pooley

Copyright © 2013 by Roger Pooley

rogerlovesemail@gmail.com

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-473-23824-7

No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from Roger Pooley.

For Jennifer

Introduction

Love them or hate them, most people receive forwarded funny emails. I’m not going to get psychological or sociological about it, but they create and maintain connections between people. They give you a sense of being included, of being acknowledged by others. And by you forwarding them on you maintain that connectivity.

This book is designed to picked up and read in those spare moments, but feel free to be gluttonous and read from cover to cover.

I cannot account for the truth attached to any of these emails, but as they say ‘Where there’s smoke…’

Enjoy.

Roger Pooley

Chapter 1: For Your Information

How Big is WalMart?

At Wal-Mart, customers worldwide spend $42,754,109 every hour of every day.

This works out to $41,400 profit every minute.

Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

Wal-Mart employs 2 million people worldwide and is the largest private employer.

Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World (as measured by revenue).

Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined; keeping in mind they did this in only 15 years.

During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

Wal-Mart has approx. 4,253 stores in the USA of which 2,610 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

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10 Worst Slogan Translations

Coors put its slogan, Turn It Loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer From Diarrhoea.

Pepsi’s Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation translated into Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave in Chinese.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken, was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its Fly In Leather campaign literally, which meant Fly Naked (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el Papa), the shirts read I Saw the Potato (la papa).

The US Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign Got Milk? prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read Are You Lactating?

General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. No va in Spanish means, It Doesn’t Go.

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as Kekoukela, meaning Bite the Wax Tadpole or Female Horse Stuffed with Wax, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent kokoukole, translating into Happiness in the Mouth.

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Interesting Facts

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters mt

The symbol on the pound key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

The word set has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

Underground is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters und.

There are only four words in the English language which end in -dous: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.

The combination ough can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning containing arsenic.

There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, therein: the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, L.A.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word Checkmate in chess comes from the Persian phrase Shah Mat, which means the king is dead.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases

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Translations of Help Wanted Ads

Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make cold calls on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

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Dating Ads for Seniors as seen in The Villages Florida newspaper

FOXY LADY:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

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Smile for the day–Amazing Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Hardly seems worth it.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of