Door of Hope: Recognizing and Resolving the Pains of Your Past

JAN FRANK

Copyright © 1995 by Jan Frank

Original copyright © 1993 by Jan Frank

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the NEW KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

Scripture quotations noted NIV are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishing House. All rights reserved.

The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.

Scripture quotations noted AMPLIFIED BIBLE are from THE AMPLIFIED BIBLE: Old Testament Copyright © 1962, 1964 by Zondervan Publishing House (used by permission); and from THE AMPLIFIED NEW TESTAMENT. Copyright © 1958 by the Lockman Foundation (used by permission).

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from The Holy Bible, KING JAMES VERSION.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Frank, Jan.

   Door of hope : recognizing and resolving the pains of your past / Jan Frank. — Rev. & updated.

      p. cm.

   Includes bibliographical references and index.

   ISBN-10 0-7852-7966-0

   ISBN-13 978-0-7852-7966-2

   1. Abused women—Pastoral counseling of. 2. Incest victims—Pastoral counseling of. 3. Adult child abuse victims—Pastoral counseling of. 4. Christian life— 1960- 5. Frank, Jan. I. Title.

BV4445.5.F73 1995

248.8'6-dc20

94-24343

CIP    

Printed in the United States of America

20 21 RRD 08 07

This book is dedicated to my dear husband, Don, whose patience, support and love sustained me during the healing process detailed in this book. It was through his encouragement, self-sacrifice and commitment to the Lord's purpose in our lives that this book was completed.

And to our little girls, Heather and Kellie, whom the Lord continually uses to teach me about His Father's heart of love.

CONTENTS

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

1. Healing Emotional Wounds

2. Step I. Face the Problem

3. Step II. Recount the Incident

4. Step III. Experience the Feelings

5. Step IV. Establish Responsibility

6. Step V. Trace Behavioral Difficulties and Symptoms

7. Step VI. Observe Others and Educate Yourself

8. Step VII. Confront the Aggressor

9. Step VIII. Acknowledge Forgiveness

10. Step IX. Rebuild Self-image and Relationships

11. Step X. Express Concern and Empathize with Others

12. Restoration—His Redeeming Work

Commonly Asked Questions about Abuse and Recovery

About the Author

Notes

Books for Further Reading

FOREWORD

  Several years ago at a seminar in Tulsa, the noted therapist Karl Menninger made this statement: In the USA today, incest is becoming about as commonplace as shoplifting. At the time I was startled and thought he might be exaggerating. Unfortunately, the rapidly-rising statistics and my own counseling experience confirm how accurate he was.

Only in recent years has the church acknowledged the fact that incest is prevalent within the Christian community. How well I remember helping a young co-ed from a conservative Christian family find healing from her devastating memories of incest. When she finally reminded her mother of how she had tried as a teenager to tell her, the mother broke down and confessed that, because she, too, had been a victim, she didn't know what to do. Later, when they both shared this with an elderly grandmother, she wept and confessed to the same experience. The greatest tragedy was that, when both mother and daughter had gone to their pastors for help, they were commanded not to tell anyone because it would destroy the church!

We owe Jan Frank a debt of gratitude, for with the publication of this book, she was one of the first to bring the problem to the attention of Christians. Her honesty and understanding about the hurt and humiliation of what she experienced gives other victims the courage necessary to face the truth, and the hope necessary to believe healing is possible. Her clearly outlined steps then provide practical suggestions for the painful process of recovery.

I have loaned her book out many times as a form of bibliotherapy for such women, and watched it help bring about transformation and wholeness in their lives. I also recommend it to pastors and counselors. They will find this new edition of her book, with the addendum of answers to the most frequently asked questions, more valuable than ever.

David A. Seamands,

Healing for Damaged Emotions

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Special thanks to the many anonymous victims whose lives are represented in this book.

Thanks also to:

Lauren Briggs, who spent endless hours at her computer deciphering my handwriting and translating it into a readable manuscript.

Darlene Grierson, my sister-in-law, whose encouragement gave me confidence and whose knowledge of grammar and punctuation added clarity to the manuscript.

Pam Houston and Dr. Laurel Basbas, whose prayer support and faithfulness to God's call in their lives continue to encourage and minister healing to me.

Amy Clark, for her creativity in designing the cover, and all those at Thomas Nelson who respected my desire to maintain the Door of Hope photograph, taken by my friend, Chuck Noon, so many years ago.

Our devoted prayer group: Don, Mary, Lynn, Dave, Chris, and Mae, for faithfully praying for me during this project.

My dearest friends, Ginny and Patsy, whose love and friendship enrich my life and draw me close to my Savior.

Dotty Stephenson, who has been a spiritual mother to me and a devoted intercessor on my behalf.

My husband, Don, who has been God's choicest vessel in teaching me about the love of my heavenly Father.

The God of all comfort, whose love and mercy continue to bring healing to the heart of this child.

INTRODUCTION

  The greatest joy I receive is knowing many, who through reading this book, have been encouraged to pursue God's healing and wholeness in their lives. Over the years I have learned that this journey is really not about recovery from sexual abuse—it is about knowing God. I firmly believe that God wants to remove any obstacles in our lives that prevent us from knowing who we are in Him, and who He truly is. I rejoice when I hear of one person whose relationship with God has been transformed, a captive who's been set free from the bondage of the past, a prisoner liberated from the distortions planted by the enemy of our souls.

When I began praying about doing a revised version of the book, it seemed as though I kept hitting a roadblock. I did not have a peace about making major changes in the body of the manuscript. The more I prayed, the more I sensed the Lord leading me to compose an addendum of commonly asked questions and their answers. So many readers over the years have written me letters of encouragement, shared their painful histories, and asked numerous questions that have plagued their hearts.

The addendum reflects many of the questions I am commonly asked. It is important to note that, since these questions and answers can only provide general information, it may be necessary for you to obtain counsel from someone with whom you can share more personally.

Also, in the addendum I've attempted to provide an update of the continued healing God has done in my own life since the book was first published.

Thirteen years ago, at age twenty-seven, I had to face depression, anger, migraine headaches, a critical attitude, low self-esteem, and the feelings of distance from God that characterized my life. Now, at age forty, I look back and am in awe as I reflect upon God's immeasurable grace in my life. Now, instead of despair, I live with joy, peace, healing, intimacy with God, freedom, and redemption. He truly has restored to me the years the locusts had eaten. I can truly say that, if I had the power to change the events of my life, I would not—

For it has been, through the PAIN that I've known His PEACE, through the HEARTACHE I've embraced His HEALING, and through the VALLEY I've discovered His VICTORY.

O the deep, deep love of Jesus!

Jan Frank, July 1994

CHAPTER 1

Healing Emotional Wounds

WHEN WORDS FAIL, TEARS FLOW.

Chuck Swindoll

  One crisp evening, I was at a women's retreat (sharing my FREE TO CARE recovery steps for the healing of emotional wounds when I noticed Joanne sobbing quietly in the last row of the rustic meeting room. Joanne, a small vivacious woman in her thirties, related well to the other women. She had appeared trouble free, yet now she was weeping in the arms of a friend.

Several minutes after speaking I was able to work my way back to Joanne. I reached out and put my arms around her as she choked out these words, I've never let myself cry since I lost my little boy six years ago. He was only ten months old when he died. After all these years I'm still angry at God.

Joanne gazed into my eyes and said, When you spoke tonight, Jan, I realized I'd never fully faced Timmy's death. I've never let myself grieve completely. Everyone told me I should count my blessings since I still had two healthy children. Two months after Timmy's death, my friends said it was time to cheer up and get on with my life.

Like many of us, Joanne decided to put on a mask to cover the intensity of her pain.

When Beth, a strikingly beautiful pastor's wife, approached me for counseling at a women's brunch, I wondered what could be wrong. As we sat on a step beneath the platform her story unfolded. She was a victim of molestation as a child and had an abortion as a teenager. Only recently she had learned her husband was having an affair with one of her friends. Tears welled up in Beth's eyes as she asked, What do I do? I'm so hurt. My husband has admitted his affair. He's told me we have to forget about it and go on for the sake of his ministry. Beth trembled slightly, then added, He's refused to answer any of my questions because he says forgiveness means not being concerned about the details. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and I can't get over some of the feelings I'm having. Jan, what you said today made sense. I know I need to go through this healing process if I am going to be free.

Like many of us, Beth assumed forgiveness means covering the pain and pretending it doesn't exist.

Last week my phone rang while I was preparing dinner. Jan? came the troubled voice on the other end. This is Charlotte. I'm going to kill myself if I don't get some answers.

I whispered a quick prayer for guidance and asked, Charlotte, what happened?

I don't know what to think anymore, she answered. I went to my pastor for counseling today. His first question to me was, 'Why haven't you been in church?' I explained to him that I'm having trouble relating to God because of my past, but that I'm currently in therapy trying to work things out. He cut me off, saying, 'You don't need therapy. Just start being obedient and get your life right with God.'

As 1 listened to Charlotte, her voice became more desperate. Jan, when I tried to explain to my pastor that being molested as a child had taken a toll on my life and marriage, he immediately corrected me. He said the problem was my rebelliousness and that I just needed to be submissive to my abusive ex-husband and to quit going to therapy for the answers that only God could give.

Charlotte paused then blurted, Jan, I was so shook up after the session, I called a friend from church who had been my confidante in the past. When I told her what the pastor said, she fully supported him. She added, 'If you don't get your life in shape, Charlotte, God told me He's going to take away your little girl and your house and you'll live alone the rest of your life.' She ended by saying, 'God is your only hope, so you'd better straighten up.'

Sobbing, she continued, "Jan, if that's really who God is, then I might as well kill myself."

Like many of us, Charlotte's view of God had been distorted by her experiences in life.

My own parents divorced when I was five years old. When I was eight, Mother remarried. My stepfather was a Christian man who attended church regularly. At the age often I went forward in an evening church service and asked Christ into my life as my personal Savior. Three weeks later my stepfather molested me.

Incest! The word is ugly. The act is devastating.

Years passed. I married a wonderful Christian man and two years into our marriage our first little girl was born. In the days that followed, the harder I tried to care for our vulnerable, colicky baby, the more desperate and out-of-control I became. That desperation triggered the memory of the helplessness that I felt as a ten-year-old. My past began to haunt me. Migraine headaches and nightmares became frequent. I struggled with intense, explosive anger. I was depressed, critical with my husband and I felt undeserving of God's love. I had prayed for years that God would help me forgive my stepfather so that I could go on with my life. I thought that was all there was to it. But I was wrong.

The Holy Spirit showed me that I needed to go through a healing process. The rest of this book details that ten-step process.

Throughout the book I have attempted to balance real-life experiences, biblical principles and current factual literature. I have focused on the incest victim, not only because of my personal experience, but because I am convinced after counseling thousands of persons that sexual victimization in childhood is pandemic. Statistics indicate that thirty-four million women in the United States are victims of child sexual abuse. It is estimated that a child is molested every two minutes.¹ A recent Los Angeles Times poll showed that nearly one out of every four people in the United States has been molested as a child; and that for every victim known, nine are hidden.²

As I've shared my ten-step FREE TO CARE recovery plan nationwide, I've found that it applies to any emotional wound we may have suffered. This is not a simplistic plan that can be carried out in a matter of weeks. Nor is it a magical formula that can be instantly and impulsively undertaken, but rather, it is a pathway toward the resolution of past hurts. Those who utilize these steps should be committed to prayer and to allowing the Holy Spirit to provide direction and wisdom. These steps give direction and they put us in a position to be healed, but the Holy Spirit completes the work. The Scripture says the Holy Spirit's work in our lives is to lead us into all truth. Psalm 51:6 says: Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.

I believe emotional recovery occurs over a period of time. It's not that the Lord doesn't have the ability to heal us instantly. He does. I have found, however, that He often uses a process of time for our instruction and renewing, It is similar to our coming to know Christ. Although we are instantly new creatures in Him, we are in the process of being conformed to the image of his Son (Rom. 8:29) throughout our lives.

The ten steps to recovery helped Joanne face the loss of her baby boy and freed her to grieve. These steps showed Beth that she needed to be honest about her feelings regarding her husband's unfaithfulness. She needed to work through her pain in order to be free. The FREE TO CARE steps have encouraged Charlotte to go on living. Today her relationship with God is free from scars and distortions.

I, too, am free today. I am no longer held captive by the pain of my past. The Lord has taken the desolation of my life and caused it to bear fruit. He is the only one who can do that.

Many of you may be asking, "Why is it necessary for us to look into our past? Shouldn't we just forget those things and go on with life?

If we could genuinely forget, there would be no need to look back. But for many of us the pain of our past still creeps into our daily lives. Pain not adequately dealt with or worked through warps our ability to live in the freedom God has for us in Christ.

I have shared many personal experiences of my own healing in hopes that those who are still bound by their past will be encouraged to pursue recovery. My burden for those who are hurting is summed up in the beautiful promise in Isaiah 58:12(KJV): "And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in" (italics mine).

This verse helped me understand the needs I had had and the needs of others who are hurting. It identifies specific goals to use when trying to help them. First, we should raise the wounded up. Second, we need to help them repair their broken and shattered lives. Third, we need to restore them to a healthy path. As I looked at these words in the Hebrew, I was fascinated by the depth of their meaning.

Raise Up

The Hebrew word pronounced koom means to help to lift up, establish, strengthen, confirm, or authenticate. How many of us are raising up the ones who are hurting? Too many times Christians condemn others or hold them down by saying, A spiritual Christian should not feel angry. We respond to the wounded with shock and rejection when they need to be strengthened and re-established in their relationship with God. Too often, we fail to understand that the hurts of their past are blocking a vital fellowship with God. Their wounds must be dealt with in order for them to be raised up!

Repair

The Hebrew word for repair is pronounced gawder, and is a descriptive word meaning to walk in or around, to close up, hedge or enclose. I immediately think of the emotionally wounded who need to sense a hedge about them and to be sheltered or nurtured within a protective environment. One of the first things we are advised to do to treat a wound is to clean it thoroughly and then cover it with a protective cloth to ward off infection.

What an example for emotional wounds! Hurts must be cleansed and provided with a protective, supportive environment where they can begin to heal. Christians can provide that kind of environment for those who are hurting, for the thousands who need to be repaired!

Restore

The final step is the Hebrew word pronounced shoob. It means to rescue, recover, retrieve, to bring back home again or cause to make to return. Many who have been hurt are in need of restoration. They need to be brought home again, but many times their wounds keep them bound, immobilized. Restoration means to bring them to the one who is able to restore them and heal them from the inside out. The wounded need to be restored!

As you read the rest of this book, I encourage you to consider your needs carefully and make yourself available to the Holy Spirit for His restorative work. Daniel 2:22 says: He reveals the deep and secret things; He knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with Him! (Amplified Version). Ask for His enlightenment to penetrate the dark areas of your hurt. It is only through this exposure that you can truly begin to face what has happened in your past and move on through the healing process.

Will you allow the Holy Spirit to begin to expose those troubled areas in your life? Will you allow His light to heal those hurts? Will you let Him set you free?

CHAPTER 2

Step I.

Face the Problem

  The first step to recovery is to face the problem—the infected wound that hasn't healed.

Susan is forty-two years old. She is married and has two teenage children. Her husband is in Christian work and is dedicated to his family. They have been getting marriage counseling off and on for several years.