Good Goodbyes: A Mortal's Guide to Life

Raves about Good Goodbyes

"Joan Grey accomplishes so much in this book, that my medical training and family practice over 30 years never did for me. Most people expect healthcare professionals to know how to prepare their patients and families for the inevitable day when we pass. Not at all.

"Joan uses wit, acronyms, alliteration, and a wealth of references to help all of us prepare for the inevitable – our death. While not a topic most embrace – she raises the case to prepare for our departure if not for us – for those we love and leave behind.

"Pages of practical actionable advice that we all could take to help prepare ourselves, family, and friends for what no one is likely to escape. Stories illustrate the positive impact we can make if we just stop and learn more about what we can do now. As a family physician trained over 30 years ago – there was more information and advice in this book than I have seen before. Physicians, nurses, and most healthcare professionals DO NOT know how or train for helping others in death. And yet perhaps the real responsibility is the individual.

"Good Goodbyes is well organized and referenced yet written with illustrative stories and wit to inspire us to accept this ultimate responsibility ourselves."

- Bill Lynagh, MD

"Good Goodbyes is profound, inspirational, and motivational. Death characterized as a threshold to eternity is serene and comforting. Choosing how we spend our time and formulating a love letter that lasts resonate with me. We all have stories to tell. I want to make sure mine are told and that loved ones have cherished memories to reflect on. I want to spend time with those who care about me, use simple words of love, and write letters to my children and grandchildren for significant future milestones in their lives – my way of being present. Lastly, I plan to set aside objects that each might want as a tangible reminder of me."

- Amy Murrell, West Point 1980 classmate

"Planning ahead for our good goodbyes is so easy to put off and leave on the back burner. Good Goodbyes is so well thought out and filled with good ideas."

- Cathy Sterling: Nana, Weaver, Army spouse, Loving Friend

I think this is an extremely valuable book, especially in the detailed and sensible recommendations it makes.

- Kevin Madigan, Winn Professor of Ecclesiastical History, Harvard Divinity School

"Joan is offering a book I would certainly want to read in full. She makes an interesting comparison with a wildly successful guide to the other end of life, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, which was published 36 years ago by Workman Publishing, which now owns Algonquin Books, the company I helped found."

- Shannon Purves, former editor, Algonquin Books

Copyright © 2022 by Joan Grey

Opus One Studios

8641 Elm Street, Suite 1154

McLean, VA 22101

www.opusonestudios.com

All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without the written consent and permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-1-7364966-2-6

Cover and Interior Design by Brent Spears

Behold! I make all things new.

¹

Revelation 21:5 NIV

Dedication

Embrace the threshold.

Where we began, so we’ll end.

¹

∞

All profits to charity

Buying Good Goodbyes will not only help set the stage for your good goodbye but will benefit West Point Women. The West Point Women’s Conference Endowment is designated as the worthy cause, which will receive 100% of the publisher’s and author’s profits generated by sales of this book.

https://www.westpointaog.org/waystogive

JSG ∞ Jan 2021

Contents

Raves about Good Goodbyes

Foreword

Preface: Life Happens…

Introduction

One: The Other Talk

Two: Spirit ∞ Fullness of Life

Three: Aware ∞ The Facts of Life about the End of Life

Four: Prepare ∞ A Labor of Love

Five: Medical ∞ The End Starts Here

Six: Legal ∞ Clear the Heir-Way

Seven: Stuff ∞ Lighten Up

Eight: Transition ∞ On Our Own Terms

Nine: Disposition ∞ I’m Dead, Now What?

Ten: Wealth ∞ Good Stewardship

Eleven: Digital ∞ Virtual Immortality

Twelve: Share ∞ Your Love Letter to the Future

Thirteen: Care ∞ Keep in Mind the Bottom Line

Fourteen: Completion ∞ Every Ending is Also a Beginning

Epilogue ∞ Happily Ever After – Doesn’t Happen by Chance

Appendices

Appendix 1. Treasure Map

Appendix 2. Military Resources

Appendix 3. Resources for Reflection and Discussion

Appendix 4. Advance Planning Terms

Appendix 5. 12 Steps for Mortals

Appendix 6. Consider Your Line in the Sand

Appendix 7. Minimum Essentials for Young Families

References

About The Author

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Nobody wants to talk about dying. But Good Goodbyes liberates us to acknowledge that death is part of life—we may call it unfortunate but the ending is the price we pay for living. We need Good Goodbyes to help us prepare for the inevitable. As Mel Brooks says, Live life! No one gets ou t alive.

Read this book through—enjoy the imagery, the well-chosen words, the research, and the humor. Then use this loving, gentle call to action as your workbook or guide – write in it and ‘dog-ear’ the pages.

Learn, Reflect, Act—be aware and then prepare—what is more important than working on your legacy and your love letter to the cherished people in your life? You might discover that life is stronger than death.

Joan Grey tackles a difficult subject with honesty and humor and gently guides us to prepare a legacy of love.

Jane F. Collen,

Intellectual Property Lawyer, author of historical fiction series The Journey of Cornelia Rose, and the children’s book series The Enjella Adventure Series

Preface:

Life Happens

¹

…

In my 20s, I was an Army paratrooper with what seemed like a predictable path ahead. Those assumptions failed during a nighttime tactical parachute mission. In the afternoon before parachuting, I had gone for a run. That night I collided in mid-air with another parachutist. The resulting hard landing and paralyzing injuries launched me into surgeries, treatments, and rehabilitation. My career in the Army was over, and my health wasn’t in great shape either. Doctors weren’t sure I’d walk again. An initial surgery fixed my spine for wheeling, not walking. It turns out that the paralysis was incomplete. I eventually learned to walk, but that run was seared in memory as my last run—ever.

I wanted my old life back. It took a long time, but ultimately I recognized the futility of knocking on the proverbial closed door. I hadn’t died, but parts of my life were gone and there was no going back. I needed to come to terms with where I was and who I could become. Not resurrection, but transformation.

With the Army over, I used my experiences and became a hospital chaplain. Having paid the tuition, I could share my lessons by serving patients and families in their time of need. I encountered many things as a chaplain, but the biggest insight: most people have a delusional sense of safety. They don’t think the reality of mortality applies to them. Few I ministered to were prepared for illness, injury, or dying.

That magical thinking applied to me too. While studying for a master’s degree in religion, I had three close calls. In sequential years, I was trapped on a train during a fatal fire, barely avoided a tree falling in front of my car on the highway, and got hit by a bus while biking. It took the bus accident to connect the dots and reveal life’s cardinal rule: you just never know. Any of those incidents could have been an exit instead of a detour.

On the Metro train awaiting rescue, I had 45 minutes lying on a dirty carpet to wonder: What if this is it? If I don’t make it out alive, how much of a mess am I leaving behind?

That question continues to haunt and motivate. I wrote my thesis —Awakening to Mortality: End-of-life as Rite of Passage and Pathway to Transformation—as an initial response. With its approval, I completed degree requirements and graduated from Harvard in 2019.

The next step is this book: Good Goodbyes: A Mortal’s Guide to Life. While conducting thesis research, I identified a gap. If you decide to get your affairs in order, what’s the process? Who’s the guide? Where are the books? Who conducts pre-mortem Lamaze classes? End-of-life is professionalized and atomized: doctors try to fix body parts; attorneys draft legal documents; ministers extol a heavenly reward. Is that what it’s all about? You may argue: But wait, doctors will be there at the end. Yes, but trying to keep you alive. Dead is not a good patient outcome. Treatments are billable. Death equals failure.

Except that our outcome is a certainty—we don’t get out alive. And, because we revere beginnings and revile endings, we close our eyes to what’s ahead. Which means when we or someone we love reaches that predictable stage, the reality can overwhelm. We’re not the first to walk the end-of-life path, but denial, delusion, and delay force us to bushwhack a trail and learn as we go. And then we wonder: Why didn’t someone tell me? Why didn’t I know this ahead of time? We will all face situations when we wish we could hit stop and rewind. Sharing my hard-won insights won’t spare you trauma, but it could make you just a bit better prepared.

During my research and writing, I was reminded of touring the Spinal Cord Injury Center as a new patient. I commented on the facility’s accessible design for those "confined to wheelchairs. The staff member set me straight. With what seemed like a rehearsed rebuke: A wheelchair liberates. Confined is when someone who needs a chair doesn’t have one." That exchange made me see mobility and assistive devices in a new light. I hope Good Goodbyes might reframe death and inspire you to think differently about mortality. You may not be inclined to befriend the end, but maybe Good Goodbyes will change your perspective. Death may be a hard boundary, but we imprison ourselves with self-inflicted fear and failure to face reality. Is it possible for the end to be a liberating force rather than a limiting constraint?

Life can change in an instant. Crashing into the ground shattered body parts, smashed the illusion of invulnerability, and opened my eyes. Chaplaincy, the Metro, tree, bus, and whatever comes next remind: there will come a time, when time is up. And a grace period isn’t promised to get our act together. A good goodbye doesn’t happen by chance.

We don’t know when a run or a kiss will be the last, so ask yourself:

Have I said what needs to be said and done what needs to be done?

Have I taken steps that will make it easier for those left behind?

Have I considered what will bring me a sense of peace and completion?

You don’t know how much time you have, but you do have a choice: you can…

Go it alone. If so, blessings on the journey.

Or learn from my mistakes, experiences, and research.

And keep reading Good Goodbyes.

Just don’t go without saying goodbye.

A light in the tunnel

Metro smoke, January 2015

Introduction

There’s no going back.

The beginning can’t be changed.

Start now. Change the end.²

A woman appears at the emergency room, with a man holding her arm. Her belly’s distended and she winces in pain. In-between contractions, she beams; she’s been waiting for this day. Her baby is about to be born. The emergency department personnel smile as they watch the couple head to obstetrics. Since her pregnancy was confirmed months ago, a detailed birthing plan has been a work-in-progress. The couple have already toured the posh birthing suite, attended childbirth classes, and selected a gourmet meal for a post-delivery celebration. They know where to go, what to do, and are ready to welcome their new family member. Lif e is good.

An elderly man staggers into the emergency department, gasping and grabbing his chest. Before he can be wheeled to the trauma bay, he loses consciousness and slumps down. Who is he? How old is he? Is he on medications? Does he have pre-existing conditions? Who’s his next of kin? The man seems to have arrived alone and now he can’t talk. A nurse finds a driver’s license in the patient’s wallet, so they know name, age, and address. That’s a start, but critical information is missing. The care team does a physical exam and orders labs, trying to get a preliminary diagnosis as the treatment golden hour ticks down. A blank slate and educated guesses may not be enough when minutes count.

Birth and death are flip sides of the coin of life. But how differently we treat them. We revere the beginning. Within several generations, childbirth has changed from a doctor-centered, mother-sedated, father-excluded medical event to expecting a holistic, momentous experience, with the pregnant woman well-prepared, and to a certain extent calling the shots, for what lies ahead.

And what about the ending? Death is often a technology-assisted, patient-sedated, family-excluded medical event. Not a profound metamorphosis but an isolating, unconscious, physical failure. Which COVID-19 has only made worse… Why?

We don’t like death.

We don’t like to think about it.

We don’t like to talk about it.

We pretend the day will never come.

We thought we’d have more time.

This isn’t what I expected.

It’s always too soon until it’s too late. Eventually, our date with destiny arrives, a D-day that might range from the ultimate four-letter word dead to another devastating D-word variant—divorce, dementia, disease, disaster. We associate death with pain, something we’re hard-wired to avoid. Avoiding makes it seem like we’re protecting ourselves and those we love, but the very thing that we try to ignore eventually shows up. Mortality, like gravity, is a force of nature. We can fight it – temporarily. And our never say die approach means that we’re blindsided, unprepared, and scrambling to deal with a predictable, and yet unpredictable, event. Our failing to be aware and prepared may make dying harder for us and for those we love.

Good Goodbyes: A Mortal’s Guide to Life presents a holistic approach for a universal problem. It’s a wake-up call, an organizing system, and inspiration for getting your affairs in order. We can’t change death – our ultimate outcome – but it’s possible for dying to be more of a transcendent passage rather than a medical crisis. Most people don’t intend to leave a mess behind, but failing to anticipate and plan results in a chaotic conclusion. Good Goodbyes aims to inform, encourage, and empower you by providing indispensable information, practical advice, and reflective insights. A plan, a process, and a list can make your journey easier. Getting your end-of-life act together can be a love letter that lasts. The book’s organizing framework – Aware, Prepare, Share and Care – corresponds to perspectives of head, hands, and heart, encompassed in whole: Spirit. Being Aware, being Prepared, and Sharing because you Care are a means to the end; love is the bottom line. Moving from good intentions to thoughtful actions can ease burdens and bring peace of mind.

Removing the blinders lets us approach the end of life as intentionally as we prepare for birth, and perhaps help make this entirely expected stage transformative rather than catastrophic. Good Goodbyes’ holistic approach can ease fears of the unknown by providing a system, tools, and checklists. Being aware of the road ahead, considering preferences, preparing documents, and sharing information can take some of the mayhem out of mourning.

I am honored that you have chosen to explore life’s final