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    Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs
    Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs
    Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs
    Ebook243 pages1 hour

    Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs

    By Denny Hatch

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    Welcome to the party!

    •You will start with a YouTube link to the Funniest Joke in the History of the World. (If you know a funnier one, I'd love to hear it!)

    •You will have a repertoire of 87 of the best thigh-slappers I have managed to remember over the past 75 years. (Note: These are for adults. Most are R-rated.)

    •Next are 87 glorious patter songs -- the wittiest, most wickedly, wonderful rata-tat-tat rhymes, music and sheer craziness by the greatest showbiz composers and lyricist -- Gilbert & Sullivan, Cole Porter, Noel Coward, Danny Kaye, John Latouche, Tom Lehrer, Ira Gershwin, Madame Spivy, Meredith Willson and many, many more.

    •You'll discover Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs comes alive with YouTube links to 110 spectacular performances of all these masterpieces by beloved entertainers that have wowed audiences over the years. Included: Noel Coward’s "Mad Dogs and Englishmen" at the Desert Inn in Las Vegas, Robert Preston’s Music Man rendition of “Ya Got Trouble Right Here in River City” and the epic lunacy of Danny Kaye ripping through the tongue-twisting names of 56 Russian Composers in a brain spinning 37 seconds.

    •Think of it! With a mouse click you'll call up hours of world-class entertainment on any device from small to huge: iPhone, iPad, laptop, desktop -- all the way up to those splendid, wall-sized smart TVs.

    •You'll also have access to the full texts of these songs in case you itch learn them. With or without musical accompaniment, these jokes and patter songs are true dazzlers -- on stage, at the dinner table, in your living room, on Zoom or as audience wake-ups in PowerPoint presentations.

    In short, I loved creating Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs. I guarantee you're gonna love owning it. So will theatrical producers, your friends, family and business associates whom you will continually delight with your new repertoire of humor, songs and zaniness. It's a hoot!

    Again, welcome!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherArchway Publishing
    Release dateOct 19, 2021
    ISBN9781665709163
    Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs
    Author

    Denny Hatch

    Denny Hatch has no credentials. He has spent his sixty-year career in advertising, marketing, and direct marketing. He is the author of seven business books and four novels.

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      Book preview

      Bawdy Jokes & Patter Songs - Denny Hatch

      Copyright © 2021 Denny Hatch.

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or

      mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the

      written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

      Music and lyrics of recent patter songs (post1926 are most likely under copyright by the composers

      and lyricists. Performance permissions must be granted by the copyright holders.

      Archway Publishing

      1663 Liberty Drive

      Bloomington, IN 47403

      www.archwaypublishing.com

      844-669-3957

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed

      since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do

      not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

      and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

      Cover Art: Stu Heinecke

      Cover Design: Denny Hatch and Andrew Mays

      ISBN: 978-1-6657-0917-0 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-6657-0916-3 (e)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2021913297

      Archway Publishing rev. date:  10/07/2021

      WELCOME TO BAWDY JOKES AND PATTER SONGS

      The Funniest Joke in the History of the World!

      If you know a funnier joke, I’d sure like to hear it.

      In 1956-58, I worked nights and weekends during college as an NBC page at New York’s RCA building. My job was manning the main hall information booth and guiding audiences in and out of NBC Studios and theaters around town.

      Monday evenings, four of us pages took the subway uptown to NBC’s Century Theater, where a young (age thirty-two) Buddy Hackett was starring in the live sitcom Stanley. (Back then, all TV was live and black-and-white.) Hackett was a homely, overweight little gnome of a guy with a thick Brooklyn accent. The program was amusing, and Stanley lasted two seasons.

      A half century later, Buddy Hackett surfaced in one of many Tonight Show appearances with the irrepressible Johnny Carson. He was a much older little Pillsbury Doughboy of a comic with one exception. He told—and acted out—what has to be the funniest joke in the history of the world. His schtick that night was three animal jokes, about a chicken, a cow, and a duck.

      I invite you to watch the video of Buddy telling the chicken and cow jokes. Then fasten your seat belt for the duck joke.

      Here’s the link:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aww4HT5g7ig

      Note: If you are reading the print version of Bawdy Jokes and Patter Songs (or if the link above fails to connect), turn on your iPhone, iPad, laptop, desktop computer, or smart TV, go to the YouTube search box at the top, and enter these YouTube Key Words:

      Buddy Hackett Duck Joke on Carson

      This Is Your Introduction to

      Over One Hundred YouTube Video Delights!

      The video of this duck joke is the first of many hours of sheer joy you will experience in what I believe to be the world’s most comprehensive anthology of funny jokes (in print), plus eighty-seven English-language patter songs on YouTube performed by more than one hundred mesmerizing stage, screen, and nightclub entertainers, composers, and lyricists.

      You’re gonna love it. Guaranteed!

      Enjoy!

      DHSignature.jpeg

      With awe and thanks!

      Noël Coward

      Buddy Hackett

      Gilbert and Sullivan

      Martyn Green

      Danny Kaye

      Tom Lehrer

      Cole Porter

      Madame Spivy

      All the lyricists, composers, and

      performers who made this

      anthology possible

      Plus

      Chad Hurley,

      Steve Chen,

      Jawed Kari,

      and

      the amazing video

      editors at YouTube

      A special thank-you to

      Stu Heinecke

      CONTENTS

      Part 1

      Quickie Intro

      Part 2

      Your Starter Collection Of Eighty-Seven Jokes

      Part 3

      Sixteen Legendary English-Language Patter Songs (1875–1917)

      About Gilbert And Sullivan

      1.When I, Good Friends, Was Called to the Bar

      2.My Name Is John Wellington Wells

      3.I Am the Monarch of the Sea/When I Was a Lad

      4.I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General

      5.When I Go Out of Door

      6.If You’re Anxious for to Shine

      7.When You’re Lying Awake (with a Dismal Headache)

      8.If You Give Me Your Attention

      9.I’ve Got a Little List

      10.My Boy, You May Take It from Me

      11.Oh! A Private Buffoon Is a Light-Hearted Loon

      12.There Lived a King

      13.The Duke of Plaza-Toro

      14.Rising Early in the Morning

      15.There Are Fairies at the Bottom of Our Garden (1917)

      16.I Want to Sing in Opera (1910)

      Part 4

      Seventy-One Modern Patter Songs (1920S To The Present Day)

      About Harry Parkyarkarkus Einstein

      17.You Can’t Brush Off a Russian

      About Noël Coward

      18.Mad Dogs and Englishmen

      19.I Went to a Marvelous Party

      20.Poor Uncle Harry

      21.What’s Going to Happen to the Tots?

      22.Why Do the Wrong People Travel?

      23.Why Must the Show Go On?

      24.The Stately Homes of England

      25.Alice Is at It Again

      26.Don’t Put Your Daughter on the Stage, Mrs. Worthington

      27.Nina from Argentina

      About Cole Porter

      28.Let’s Do It

      29.Let’s Do It (Coward’s Racy Rewrite of Cole Porter)

      30.Let’s Not Talk about Love

      31.They Couldn’t Compare to You

      32.What Do You Think about Men?

      33.I Sleep Easier Now

      34.I Jupiter, I Rex, I’m Positively Teeming with Sex

      35.Cherry Pies Ought to Be You

      36.Nobody’s Chasing Me

      37.You’re the Top

      38.Where Is the Life That Late I Led?

      39.Brush Up Your Shakespeare

      40.Tale of the Oyster

      41.The Museum Song

      42.Penny in My Pocket

      43.Anatole of Paris

      44.Up in Arms Theater Lobby Number

      45.Danny Kaye as the Professor of Music

      46.Tongue Twisters

      About Ira Gershwin (1896–1983)

      47.Tchaikovsky and Other Russians

      48.Ya Got Trouble (Right Here in River City)

      49.The Revolutionary Costume (Speaking)

      50.You Won’t Succeed on Broadway

      51.Tahis

      52.The Bastard King of England

      53.Adelaide’s Lament

      54.Marry the Man Today

      About Tom Lehrer: The Bizarre Intersection Of A Higher Mathematician And The Lower-Brow World Of Patter Songs

      55.The Elements

      56.The New Math

      57.Werner Von Braun (The Old Nazi)

      58.MLF Lullaby

      59.Who’s Next?

      60.Poisoning Pigeons in the Park

      61.The Vatican Rag

      62.Be Prepared

      63.A Christmas Carol

      64.Alma

      65.Chanukah in Santa Monica

      66.Smut

      67.I Hold Your Hand in Mine

      68.Oedipus Rex

      69.Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! (That Cigarette)

      70.The Preacher and the Bear

      71.Darktown Poker Club

      72.He’s His Own Grandpa

      73.That’s What I Like about the South

      74.To Keep My Love Alive

      75.Pangloss’s Song

      About Madame Spivy

      76.I Brought Culture to Buffalo in the 90’s

      77.The Alley Cat

      78.The Tarantella

      79.Why Don’t You?

      80.The Last of the Fleur de Levy

      81.I Love Town

      82.I Didn’t Do a Thing Last Night

      83.The Madame’s Lament

      About Ray Bolger

      84.The Old Soft Shoe

      87.That’s Off the Record

      86.The Babbitt and the Bromide

      87.Mr. Bojangles

      A Parting Gift

      Three Extraordinary Evenings Of Dialogue, Monologue And Patter Songs

      About Denny Hatch

      Part 1

      QUICKIE INTRO

      The Genesis of This Odd Book

      With 110 YouTube Performance Videos

      I’m eighty-five. The past two years have not been happy for many in the United States (or the rest of the world). We’ve experienced lockdown, isolation from friends and family, morbid fear of the COVID-19 killer, twenty-two million jobs lost, fifty million Americans with not enough food, seventeen million starving US children, breadlines, masks that fog eyeglasses, obliterate facial expressions, and inhibit social drinking and eating, eight thousand white insurrectionists trashing the US Capitol and threatening the lives of our leaders, no travel, and the blizzard of bullshit, a.k.a. fake news.

      I frequently woke up in the morning feeling dread, anger, and fear; I felt abused and confused by the system and deeply depressed.

      A personal aside: thank you, God, for Grey Goose vodka.

      The Inflection Point (In Case You Missed It Earlier)

      Somebody—it may have been my friend Steve—emailed me the link to Buddy Hackett’s duck joke.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aww4HT5g7ig

      YouTube Key Words:

      Buddy Hackett duck joke on Carson

      I laughed till I hurt. It was an emotional catharsis.

      It was also an epiphany. I realized that when I was laughing, I was suddenly not angry, fearful, or depressed. I have watched the duck joke a number of times since. I laugh out loud every time I see it. I had stumbled onto three truisms:

      • Laughter is an instant killer of anger, fear, and depression.

      • Sans anger and fear, the world is a damn sight more pleasant.

      • By golly, I can do something about this!

      About the Bawdy Jokes

      Since age ten (or younger), I have heard bawdy jokes at grown-up parties, at dinners, at large and small gatherings. I memorized many of them and often jotted down punch lines. What follows are those stories I have remembered that have made me guffaw over the past seventy-five years and enabled me to cause others to laugh out loud. When I’m pissed off, upset, or feeling dread, I often recall one of these punch lines, laugh out loud, and feel my angst instantly evaporate.

      I decided to assemble the best bawdy jokes I could recollect and came up with roughly one hundred, of which I believe eighty-three to be thigh-slappers and not totally gross. The other four are a shout-out to limericks, including my two favorites. But eighty-seven jokes do not make a book—hence the eighty-seven patter songs.

      The eighty-seven jokes below are starters for this project.

      My text is for guidance only. Performers are expected to go off-script and tell the story and punch line in their own words and in a manner that they are most comfortable with. You can do anything or everything that gets the biggest laugh and add your own schticks and signature material.

      We all know what jokes are. Not everybody is acquainted with patter songs.

      About Patter Songs

      Patter songs are recitative songs with tunes. They are

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