Watermark

Also by Christy Ann Conlin

Heave

The Memento

Copyright © 2019 Christy Ann Conlin

Published in Canada in 2019 and the USA in 2019 by House of Anansi Press Inc.

www.houseofanansi.com

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental.

Permission is gratefully acknowledged to reprint excerpts from the following:

(Page 91) excerpt from Mystery and Manners by Flannery O’Connor, edited by Sally and Robert Fitzgerald. Copyright © 1969 by the estate of Flannery O’Connor. Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

(Pages 253–264) passages from Letters from a Stoic by Seneca translated by Robin Alexander Campbell (Penguin Classics, 1987).

(Page 267) excerpt from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock from COLLECTED POEMS 1909–1962 by T. S. Eliot. Copyright © 1936 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, renewed 1964 by Thomas Stearns Eliot. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved. Permission also granted by Faber and Faber Ltd.

Part title artwork borrowed from Hamonshū v. 3, by Mori Yūzan; Yamada Geisōdō, Kyōto-shi, Meiji 36 [1903] / Public Domain Review

Every reasonable effort has been made to contact the holders of copyright for materials quoted in this work. The publishers will gladly receive information that will enable them to rectify any inadvertent errors or omissions in subsequent editions.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Conlin, Christy Ann, author

Watermark / Christy Ann Conlin.

Short stories.

Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978-1-4870-0343-2 (softcover).—ISBN 978-1-4870-0344-9 (EPUB).—ISBN 978-1-4870-0345-6 (Kindle)

I. Title.

PS8555.O5378W38 2019 C813'.6 C2018-906702-0 C2018-906703-9

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019930409

Book design: Alysia Shewchuk

We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishing program the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and the Government of Canada.

In Friendship for Sarah Emsley

&

In memorium for Maggie Estep

1963–2014

RIP

Contents

Eyeball in Your Throat

Dead Time

The Diplomat

Full Bleed

Occlusion

Late and Soon

Back Fat

Insomnis

Desire Lines

Beyond All Things Is the Sea

The Flying Squirrel Sermon

Acknowledgements

Eyeball in Your Throat

Eat any eyeballs lately?

Declan thought that was so funny. Lucy waited for him to finish laughing on the upstairs phone so she could hear what Deirdre was calling to tell them this time. Jesus Christ, when was he going to get over that inside joke? Lucy rocked in her chair, waiting while her daughter and husband rambled on. That Deirdre . . . always calling to tell, not ask. Declan was on the upstairs extension and Lucy on the kitchen phone, the same black rotary wall phone which had been in the old farmhouse when they first started renting it years ago.

"It’s good to hear from you, Deirdre an Bhróin." Lucy couldn’t stand it when Declan tried to say their daughter’s name as if it were Declan himself who’d just stepped off the boat, not his drunken papist grandparents. Declan insisted on naming their daughter Deirdre, not something pretty like Rose or Heather, which Lucy had preferred. He didn’t even mention until Deirdre was starting school how the name came from a morbid Irish myth: Deirdre of the Sorrows.

Lucy remembered when Deirdre had been a small child, sweet and tender, laughing when she poured out her Corn Flakes and got a bowl of mouse turds instead. She laughed about everything back then instead of screaming as she did once she turned thirteen, when it was as if puberty had disturbed some slumbering animal inside her. David was such an easy child, spending most of his childhood reading books in the tree house Declan built in the woods by the stream. But not Deirdre. She was the one hanging from the branches by her knees, chattering and howling like a monkey with her long red hair flickering like flames as she swung.

Now here Lucy was trying to have a normal phone chat with her daughter, but a normal conversation with Deirdre was always impossible because she was never doing normal things. Like when she was little, coming home from the park with some story about the boogie man in the trees who chased her, and the neurotic little girl from the Lupin Cove Road she played with back then who grew to leave her fiancé at the altar so she could go to Europe. At least Lucy hadn’t had to deal with something like that . . . yet. Lucy licked her lips and took a deep breath before she spoke.

So how are you?

Oh I’m pretty good. Pretty good.

I see. Cold up there?

Well, the river just broke.

Declan spoke. He was always asking questions about the wrong things, not making any effort to help Deirdre be normal and fit in. When’d the Churchill River go and break?

The other day.

That so. Like yesterday?

Beginning of June.

Always break then?

Bit early this year.

"What did you say the Inuit call Churchill? I was trying to remember the other day so I could tell the fellas at the Blomidon Naturalists Society. Koogie . . ."

"Kuugjuaq. Dad. Churchill’s the name the white people gave it. Hudson Bay is Kangiqsualuk ilua. The Cree there call the Churchill River Missinipi."

"Isn’t that something? I’d love to come up and visit you in Kuug-ju-aq, Deirdre. See the Aurora Borealis. What did you say it’s called?"

"Arsaniit. Well, look, Dad, actually . . . I thought I’d come home for the summer."

Home? Oh, God, that was it. This was why Deirdre was calling. Lucy could feel her anger wrapping around her like a shroud, suffocating her. Her chest tightened. She could hardly breathe. It was happening more and more, these surges of anger choking off her breath whenever she talked to her daughter. There was something beneath the anger, something quiet and desperate, poking at her insides. And Declan going on like he’d actually go up north to that godforsaken place. He was master of daydreams just as he was when they first met. She was a fool to think anything would ever come of those dreams. Deirdre was just like her father: a lush full of fantasies with the curse on her name.

"Well, that would be fine by me. We could go fishing on the river. We haven’t done that since you were little, and David never had any interest. Jijuktu’kwejk. That’s what the Mi’kmaq call it."

I know. I’d love to go fishing. I really want to come home.

Do you now? Even Lucy’s tongue was stiff and she could barely quiz her daughter.

Yeah. Get back to work on my thesis. Help out in the garden maybe. Go fishing with Dad.

That so? Is our job not working out up there in Churchill? Or in whatever the other name for that place is. I can’t be expected to learn a foreign language at my age.

Silence.

Deirdre taking a breath.

Yup. Finishing up.

Lucy always asked the right kinds of questions, not like Declan, always encouraging Deirdre’s ridiculous choices, always wanting to hear about whatever outlandish place she was in or silly job she had taken. Lucy had to redirect her or Deirdre would just tell them whatever she wanted, always giving bits and pieces which never made sense. She’d started doing this, making up stories to frighten Lucy, when she was a child and then she kept going as a teen. It was the teen years when it all went wrong, when Lucy could make neither head nor tail of Deirdre’s stories. Lucy felt as if she were an intruder in her daughter’s life when she spun her tales.

One day Deirdre stopped volunteering anything, saying Lucy only heard what she wanted to. From that day on her convoluted stories were reduced to bullet points. Like the eyeball. Deirdre said she flew into Rankin Inlet, that little Inuit village, and had a good time and ate lots of unusual stuff. Lucy asked what she meant by unusual stuff and Deirdre said weird stuff out of the sea and Lucy had to say what the hell do you mean weird goddamn stuff out of the sea, can you be specific? Then, and only then, did Deirdre share the details. Eating a seal eyeball — it was a real delicacy, she told them, an honour to be given one, and a test.

What did it taste like? Declan had been fascinated.

An eyeball.

Oh for Christ’s sake, Deirdre, how the hell do you know what an eyeball tastes like? Lord God Almighty. So if I pulled out my own eyeball and took a bite, it’d taste just like seal eyeball?

Pause.

Like fish oil.

Declan loved that, thought it was dandy, and told everybody at the square dancing on Wednesday night how his daughter was on the Hudson Bay eating seal eyeballs that tasted just like cod liver oil. Except he kept trying to say it how they did up there in that frozen wasteland, Kangiqsualuk ilua. He was as proud as she was embarrassed. Lucy almost walked out. It was so humiliating how Declan tried repeating the word over and over as they danced on the creaking wooden floor of the community hall. He’d sounded like he was having a hemorrhagic attack. And there was Erma doing an allemande left in her extra-full crinoline, her daughter an accountant and married with two kids. Alfretta over there doing a do-si-do, with her new dye job (Harvest Wheat Blonde), her daughter a dentist and married. And there was Lucy weaving-the-ring with her grey-streaked black hair, wilted crinoline, and her daughter eating eyeballs up in the North, not even working but volunteering with a bunch of nuns and learning to speak Inuktitut. It didn’t even sound believable.

Declan and Deirdre kept jabbering away on the phone. Lucy looked out the window while Declan asked about the polar bears, the ice floes, the tundra, and all that sort of National Geographic stuff. Lucy herself had never fit in as a child and her ambition had been to see to it that her children did. She had failed there, that was for sure. Despite Lucy’s best efforts over the years, all her daughter valued was gallivanting all over the earth, more interested in meeting people who offered her seal eyeballs than in settling down and having a regular life.

Lucy looked at the garden hose outside, leaning against the bird feeder. It was long and green, a handsome hose, coiled like a snake, complete with a power-pressure Garden King nozzle from the hardware store, seven different settings from Irish Mist to Northern Blast. Declan had given it to her for Mother’s Day along with a lovely card he bought at the drug store. Lucy’d put the card on her dresser and hooked the nozzle up as soon as the warm weather had come. They had put the garden in after the planting moon. She treasured this about Declan, how he was one of those husbands who appreciated her efforts to mother, unlike Deirdre who didn’t appreciate a single thing Lucy did.

Lucy had had no choice but to take the garden hose to Deirdre all those years ago. No matter how much things settled down, Deirdre was always there reminding her of every mistake she had ever made, always demanding Lucy make some sort of atonement for her wicked parenting. Lucy had decided to show her daughter just what kind of ritual would set things right, what sort of spell was needed to force Deirdre to see it was she who should be making amends and changing her ways, not blaming her mother for every single thing. There was only so much a mother could be expected to do. Lucy had found that there came a time when there was nothing to lose by acting like a witch since her own daughter always made her feel like one anyway.

Early one morning when Deirdre was twenty years old and home from university for the summer working in the pie factory down the road, Lucy found her face down in the yellow roses at dawn. Her long red hair was caught like seaweed on the thorns of the rose bush they had planted on her thirteenth birthday, vomit hanging off the delicate petals, clinging to the long pieces of Deirdre’s hair, sun bouncing off the strands and scattering rays of red and mahogany, shattered in places by the gloppy vomit. Lucy had come around the corner of the house that morning, sat down on the verandah, taken a sip of coffee, and looked at her toes in the dewy grass. She saw Deirdre’s hand flopped there on the front lawn.

The smell of vomit and sweet rose hanging thick on the hot June morning air reminded her of the funeral home. Lucy’d had a flash of standing by the coffin, looking at her father, dead from the booze at sixty, though they all liked to say it was the heart disease that killed him. But Lucy was beginning to see it was your life that killed you — in the end it was how you lived that took you out. Life shaped your heart and it killed you.

So there lay her daughter face down in the rose garden, all sprawled out in her outrageous beauty with her face in the dry, well-weeded earth. Her drool was soaking a dark pool by her cheek. This is how she’d landed on her way home at God knows what time from another booze-soaked late-night party.

Lucy had put the coffee down and pulled the hose around. She’d pressed the lever and let rip with a furious blast of water, at first hot from lying in the sun in the rubber hose and then freezing cold as it came from deep below the ground, from the well out back they had dug when they’d stopped renting the place. The water smashed down on Deirdre’s head and back and legs. She thrashed like a centipede. She rolled over a few times and then sat up on the grass, long wet hair plastered to her cheeks, a freak screaming as though her outrage would make the water stop, dirt and vomit dripping down her nose, mouth open like a tunnel. Lucy let blast right inside her dirty mouth, pounding Deirdre’s face clean and drowning her cries, drowning her fury.

Declan opened an upstairs window and poked his head out, followed by David at his bedroom window to see what was happening so early on Saturday morning. And they had hung there like gargoyles watching Deirdre jump to her feet, screaming at her mother, You’re killing me! You’re killing me!

And Lucy screaming back, I’m gonna have a heart attack. I’m gonna have a heart attack. You’re killing me with your stupid life. What about my life? Doesn’t a mother count?

And Declan bellowing, Can’t you girls just stop it? Can’t we just have a nice morning?

David rolling his eyes and going back to bed.

Lucy had followed Deirdre over the lawn with the hose as she staggered in circles, putting her hands on her body as her mother shot her with the water, screaming for her to stop but not leaving, not running into the house or down the driveway to the highway and hitching into the city like she had done before. Not this time. She was dancing around like a kite on a string, the water the current that moved her.

Lucy had let go the lever, the water instantly disappearing and Deirdre’s screams with it. The wrath that had boiled up in Lucy just as quickly settled, leaving her weak and trembling, as though the tide had come barrelling in with each wave tossing cumbersome years on her shoulders before it receded and left her so weighted. Her heart pounded as though it was trying to leave her body. She and her daughter stood like lawn ornaments, staring at each other, the morning birds chirping loud and clear in the sudden silence, a cow mooing in the pasture.

Deirdre seemed to shrink into a little girl, that same little girl who’d come home from the park crying, disturbing little stories coming off her lips, stories Lucy didn’t want to hear. Lucy rubbed her eyes and put her hand on her chest, catching her breath. A slight breeze had come up, and Lucy had watched her daughter’s skin go bumpy and cold in the already hot June day, wondering where she had gone wrong or if it was just the genetics. It was the last summer Deirdre had come back from university — it was the last time she had come home.

Deirdre and Declan were still talking on the phone, Declan and his endless questions, each one leading to another obscurity or memory. Lucy’s hands shook. It was hard enough remembering the early years but it was nothing compared to reliving those times after Deirdre became a teenager. All she did then was add complications to Lucy’s already stressful life. Lucy hated thinking about how hard she had to work to crush Deirdre back into place, not that she’d stay there for long. Lucy felt like going outside, grabbing the hose, pulling it in the house, over the waxed floor and hooked rugs, and pounding it into the receiver, flooding the phone line with a powerful gush of water to pound some sense into her ignorant child. Deirdre still hadn’t figured out that it’s how you live that makes you happy in the end. The details. Being happy isn’t about smiling all the time, partying ’til all hours and studying whatever you want in school, it’s about appreciating what’s been given to you.

But I think I could come home, work on my thesis, get a little house, maybe . . . have a garden.

Deirdre, you can’t come home to nothing. You hate it here.

Silence.

But you and Dad are there.

Yes, we are here, and we’ve been here for our whole lives. You’re thirty years old. And anyway, you can’t plant a garden and just leave it.

Silence on the phone and then a dry sound as Deirdre swallowed.

I can’t stay up here.

A detail.

Too cold is it?

Yeah. Too cold. I’m homesick.

Oh my. Details.

You’ve just got to make a go of it.

But I want to come home. I want to come home. Can’t I make a go of it at home?

Well, you’ve spent your life since you were fifteen trying to get away from here. How do you think coming back is going to make it any better?

You did. You came back. You brought us all back.

And many’s the time I’ve wished I’d not come back, my girl.

Declan was standing in the doorway, watching her. He was giving them time to talk one on one, but she could tell he couldn’t stand to listen to them fighting. Lucy looked at him and then away. It had been Declan’s constant drinking way back then. How he couldn’t hold a job. Everybody’s goddamn boozing had been enough to make Lucy want a drink, though she never took to it the way all the drunks around her did. She just took to the garden. But Declan’s drinking had stopped, and now he stood there in the doorway nervously, watching Lucy say goodbye to Deirdre, watching her hang up the phone and sit there staring out the window.