Never the Moon

Prologue

2017

The years had not touched him, not to her. He didn’t seem to see her though and had walked right past her. She put her head down, trying to quell its spin, and placed her hand on the knee of the boy next to her as a sign to get moving.

He looked at her questioningly. ‘Nan? Would you like to leave?’

She nodded and they both rose slowly and he led her to the elevator. Standing at its door, waiting for it to arrive, she couldn’t help but glance back. He was mouthing something to the concierge, but his gaze was locked on her and catching his eye, she felt her stomach flip. A sensation so overwhelming hit her and she dropped her gaze for a moment, but when she looked back, he was already looking the other way. No, he hadn’t seen her, perhaps hadn’t recognized her. She felt the melancholy she always did when she thought of him, but the sight of him there, right in front of her, a little more than a few steps away, shook her. So close, she could be in his arms in a matter of seconds. She stepped into the elevator and leaned on the rail, holding her hand to her aching heart.

‘Are you okay, Nan?’ Lucas raised his big brown eyes at her, and she just nodded. She couldn’t speak, anything that left her mouth would betray her; she could already feel the tears beginning to well behind her eyelids.

She closed the door to her suite softly and leaned against it, her heart beginning to slow. Lucas had gone back to his own room and she felt very alone, but at least safe, as safe as she could feel with Jack. She heard him in the shower and a shiver ran down her spine. Had she gotten his suit ready before she left? She couldn’t remember and didn’t want to care right now. She wanted to remember him, her David, her strong, beautiful David, except he wasn’t her David, not anymore, not for a very long time.

She wandered to the window and looked out to the purple sky, serene and mocking. The last specks of sunlight were still flickering between the buildings and she watched as the sun dipped behind a cloud.

There was no moon.

She felt the tears start to well again and she clenched her teeth. She couldn’t, not now. She had to get ready.

But David. What would she say if she came face to face with him? He was in the same hotel. But it was a big hotel, she reasoned; they may never cross paths and they would be gone by tomorrow morning. She knew she wanted to see him again, just to savor his face, to feel his gaze on her once more, but she also knew that it would incur the wrath of Jack.

She would pay. She would pay dearly. She was paying right now …

Chapter 1

1983

Jennifer

‘Jennifer, are you ready?’ Judy called through the bathroom door.

‘Mother! I’m nearly done!’

‘David is waiting, hurry up!’ Her mother gave a frustrated smack on the door before going downstairs to make small talk with David while he waited. David, whoever that was.

Jennifer was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, finishing her make-up. She rolled her eyes at her mother’s knock. She had no intention of hurrying up. She was irritated. She tilted her head to the side and ran a finger down her nose. Straight, too straight, she thought, and then surveyed her eyes. Deep set, jade green, and curved at the edges, ‘just like a cat,’ her mother always told her. Teasing her fringe, she wondered what people saw in her looks; she didn’t think much of them herself and tonight, she hadn’t made much of an effort. What was the point? Shrugging, she replaced the comb in the drawer and stared at herself in the mirror.

Jennifer sighed and then took a deep breath. ‘Not for much longer.’

She was tired of being set up with eligible bachelors and just wanted to choose someone for herself, and in her own time. She was in love with Michael, but no one knew about them, so she had to go through with these charades to keep her mother happy. Michael was in love with her too and they planned to elope when she was eighteen, and that was only a few months away. For Jennifer, it couldn’t get here soon enough.

Her mother wanted to get her out of this town; at least that was something they agreed on. Judy had moved with her daughters, Jennifer and her elder sister, Elle, to Tandaro when Jennifer was twelve, after their father had died, leaving his family penniless and in debt. She remembered her father well and missed him immensely. Tall, strong, so strong he would lift both sisters on either side of him and swing them around, while they laughed and squealed in dizziness. Judy would lovingly scold him and he would drop them to the floor gently and pick her up, carrying her over his shoulders. She’d shriek and the girls would urge him on. He was always so much fun to be around and Jennifer felt at the time that Judy was a little jealous of their fun. She later came to learn that their relationship was a tumultuous one, and although they loved each other without doubt, they had their share of arguments. They were careful to keep it from the girls, although Elle, being older and more perceptive than Jennifer, had suspected as much.

Before the death of their father, they had lived a comfortable lifestyle on the outskirts of New York City. Being taught at the best schools and wanting for nothing, the move to Tandaro came as a shock. Apart from the absence of a father who was, among other things, a spendthrift and a gambler, as Elle and Jennifer learned later, their new environment was a blow.

Tandaro, with roads that seemed stretched like rubber bands, hills that went on forever, and waterfalls that poured out endless streams of froth, was certainly a lovely place to live, but with such a small area and population, it was so different from the hustle-and-bustle lifestyle that the family was used to.

Judy, never having worked, was faced with taking on menial jobs, such as sewing and ironing for other families, and at times, she had to travel a long way, often coming home and soaking her feet in a hot bath, prepared by one of her girls, who were pained to see their mother in such agony. The money she received for the work she did was not enough to support two growing children, so she took jobs in Syracuse, and neighboring towns, with travel times of two hours or more, cleaning for more affluent city dwellers. This was still not enough to keep the family in the style to which they had become accustomed, but both girls did whatever they could to help their mother. When they were old enough, they got part-time jobs to contribute to the family home, against the will of Judy, who urged them to study hard so they could be whoever they wanted to be, not someone who had no skills to boast of, like herself.

Most of their possessions were sold before the move and they had enough money to rent a little two-story cottage off Main Street. It was supposed to be a temporary move, until they got back on their feet, but they never seemed to get there. Her mother, still a young woman with beauty and vigor, couldn’t bring herself to think about another man and focused her life on making a better one for her own children. She vowed she would get them out, somehow.

And Jennifer vowed to leave.

Except she would be leaving with Michael. She smiled when she thought of Michael. He was everything her mother despised, and she even thought this was perhaps the attraction. For her to be with someone like her own father, a wonderful, caring man, but who had let down his family in such a bad way, was detestable and she wanted to be with someone whom Judy wouldn’t have chosen. Michael was exactly that.

Large, not just tall, but rippling with muscles, he scared people and Jennifer loved that about him; it made her feel safe, and it made him exciting. Michael had only completed eighth grade a few years before and was working as an apprentice at a garage. He would sometimes take a hot rod that had come in for a service and they would drive around doing burnouts and speeding past police stations. It was inevitable in this town that his boss would always find out and would reprimand him with meaningless words, but he was one of the best workers—one of two—and he knew he would not be fired. Michael was wild and she was his girl.

She quickly assessed the plan for after her ‘official’ date. Yes, Michael was aware of the pretences she had to go through and although he allowed it, he had his own revenge. It was usually by turning up at the allocated date spot and breaking Jennifer out of her jail of a date by punching the chosen suitor. Sometimes he would just waltz in and whisk Jennifer away and she would happily dance off with him, not giving the astonished young man a second glance. She got a little thrill from it, but she also felt a little bad for them when she thought about it later. It really wasn’t their fault that Judy and their mothers made plans for them without their knowledge. Sometimes Michael even slashed a tire or two and Jennifer would protest. He would laugh and say that the guy deserved it ‘for trying to push in on my woman’. She liked that; loved it when he called her ‘his woman’. It made her feel like she belonged to someone.

Jennifer had friends, but had only clicked with one girl, who lived a block away from her. Angel was a kind and giving friend and she, unlike other girls her age, didn’t have a jealous bone in her body. Whenever Jennifer made friends in school, she would find that they didn’t stick around for long and at first, she wondered why; she was friendly enough, didn’t think she was that boring, interested in the things that others talked about. When she began to get attention, and a lot of it, from male classmates, she understood. She resented these girls for their jealousy and tried hard to win their approval at first, but Angel was different. Attractive herself, olive-skinned with jet-black hair, she never begrudged Jennifer for how she looked. She was always there for Jennifer and they talked about things that were different from other girls, not just boys and make-up, but movies, especially old ones, history, and their own dreams of escaping this town. New York—that was their goal.

‘The two of us together,’ Angel would exclaim, her eyes shining.

‘And Michael,’ corrected Jennifer.

‘Yes.’ The glow would dim in Angel’s eyes. ‘That’s what I meant.’

Jennifer knew Angel didn’t approve of Michael, even though her friend would never admit it to her, but she knew herself that Michael was a bad influence on her. She didn’t need Angel to confirm it.

Jennifer had officially met Michael at the local diner even though they had been at school together, but as Michael left when he was quite young, they had never had reason to interact and Jennifer had never taken a second look at him at parties and town events. When he asked her out on a date, which he later told her he’d been psyching himself up to do for a while, she was taken with his physique and confidence, and had accepted immediately. They had been together for two months and she still hadn’t introduced him to her mother and didn’t have any intention of doing so yet. But she knew he was her ticket out of this place.

She would make it up to Judy and Elle when she got to New York. They would stay here, but not forever. When she got out, she would take them out of here too and they would forgive her for leaving. Elle had been working full time as a receptionist at a real estate agency in a nearby town and had given up her dream of being a journalist because she had to help support the home. Jennifer would help her achieve her dream—she didn’t exactly know how, but she somehow knew she would. Her mother wouldn’t be scrubbing floors for rich ladies and Jennifer would leave the florist, where she worked, while she figured out her future. Yes, she had a plan. Michael was her way out of Tandaro … and she did love him.

****

Now, floating down the stairs, Jennifer again felt that irritation and wished that her plan with Michael would materialize soon.

I can’t do this much longer, she thought. The nights out with boys she wouldn’t have looked at twice, the small talk, knowing it wouldn’t be going any further, the wet palms reaching over the table to touch hers, the attempted kisses, which she shied away from, playing coy, all the while wishing Michael would hurry up and save her. It was wearing thin. She sighed again.

Then she saw him.

All thoughts of Michael vanished as she surveyed this stranger, who seemed to be in polite conversation with her mother. Dressed in a black shirt, carelessly open at the neck, and blue jeans that hugged his rear end, he was holding a bunch of yellow flowers that her mother was trying to relieve him of. He was lean and slightly unshaven—no, her mother wouldn’t approve; she wondered why she was disappointed about that.

‘Oh look, here she comes,’ said Judy, looking up at Jennifer and wrenching the flowers from him.

David turned around to face her and she let a small sigh escape. He walked to her and introduced himself.

‘Hi, Jennifer, it’s good to meet you.’ Husky, inviting.

Chapter 2

2017

Walking through the big glass door, framed in gold, Jennifer felt like a fraud. She always did at these big galas. But this was her life. She had chosen this, to be here, to live this life. The silver silk skirt that draped past her feet swished around her ankles and her sleeveless matching blouse that rose to her throat gave her a regal air. She still turned heads, but she didn’t care anymore; she never really did, even though she knew she would never have been here if it wasn’t for the way she looked. She smiled wryly at that and wondered how much of her life she really regretted, fully knowing that she had had almost everything a woman could possibly want, almost …

She felt Jack’s hand on her back, pushing her forward, and just for a moment, she wanted to resist, just to see what he would do in front of all these people, but not feeling in an especially good mood, she knew the evening would just keep going downhill.

David was still in her head.

She surveyed the scene before her; things did not change much at all. Being fashionably late, the large room was already full. She regarded the grand ballroom and thought that she should be feeling like a princess. Chandeliers twinkled high above her and seemed to tinkle to the music that could be faintly heard in the background. Giant plant ensembles led the path to a dance floor, which curved out into mini trails that guided people to their tables. Straight-backed waiters wearing black and white walked by quickly, serving drinks and appetizers, and one approached them, giving a short bow before gesturing for them to follow. Jennifer smiled and nodded and felt the nudge at her back again. She sighed and moved forward. She wasn’t looking forward to this; the incessant small talk with people who cared nothing for her, or she for them, for that matter.

At one of the main tables, they took their seats, Jack acting the perfect gentleman and holding out her chair for her. She smiled at him and sat down. Jack seated himself and then, turning his back to her, immediately began a conversation with an elderly, distinguished man sitting on the other side of him, who gave a small nod of acknowledgement to Jennifer. She nodded back to him; an associate of Jack’s, she had met him on a number of occasions. She looked around the room. There were quite a few familiar faces and she smiled and nodded obligingly to them when a bustling figure caught her eye.

She could see Celia hurrying in her direction and managed to keep the smile on her face.

‘Sweeeeeetheart!’ Celia’s high-pitched voice screeched at her. ‘I just have to tell you about James, you know James, the older fellow with a nasty foot,’ she began, taking the empty seat next to Jennifer and leaning into her.

Yes, I remember James, thought Jennifer, he is in fact three months older than I am and twelve months older than you! Nasty foot!—Yes, I’d like to shove that somewhere! ‘Hello, Celia, er, I think that seat is reserved for someone else.’

‘Oh, don’t worry, darling, they can wait.’ Celia waved her hand as though swatting an irritating fly. Celia was a woman of entitlement; born and bred rich and spoiled, she spent her spare time, of which there was a lot, hosting parties and spreading gossip.

‘How are you, Celia? James, what about James?’ They air-kissed both cheeks.

Celia droned on and Jennifer nodded politely and oohed and aahed at the right times. Celia was in the middle of a monologue about her husband Ralph’s latest flavor of the month, when she felt her spine stiffen. She instinctively looked around the room and her heart caught.

David was seated three tables away and he was watching her. Her eyes widened in excitement and fear and her heart thumped hard beneath her silk top. She closed her eyes slowly and opened them again. He was still there, still gazing at her.

Her David! Looking as he always had, the same beautiful face she remembered so well that was imprinted in her memory.

‘Sweetie, you okay?’ Brought out of her reverie, she felt Celia’s hands on her shoulders, shaking her slightly, and her face was leaning in close to her own—she looked concerned. Jennifer realized she must have turned as white as a ghost. ‘Jack, darling.’ Celia began to reach out to Jack, who was still occupied with his neighbor.

‘No, no, I’m fine.’ Jennifer was quickly brought back to reality. ‘I think I’m just very tired.’

‘Sweetie, you should see someone about that.’

‘I’m fine, I just haven’t had much sleep lately.’ Go away! Jennifer shouted in her head. She couldn’t think straight and Celia just would not stop babbling at her.

‘Sweets, I can give you something for that.’ Celia leaned over conspiratorially.

Jennifer tried to smile patiently and wondered how to get Celia to change the subject or even how she could get rid of her, but she didn’t have to bother.

‘Sweetie, I see James and Fiona, I must say hello and inquire about his foot.’ Jennifer wanted to protest—that was not polite conversation—but she also wanted to free herself from the woman and gather her thoughts.

‘Yes, you must, I will catch up in a little while.’

As Celia flitted away, calling out to James, Jennifer sighed and slowly raised her eyes again. David nodded to her and raised his glass and she smiled shakily in return. He then turned around to talk to his companion.

Jennifer looked at her. Dressed in emerald green, her hair rolled into a French bun, she inclined into David, placing her hand on his knee. Jennifer winced and felt a shooting in her belly and her body tensed. She remembered the feeling, he could always do that to her. Her mind started to go back, back in time, so long ago …

Jack was poking at her and whispering furiously. ‘Jennifer, answer me! Where is my drink?’

‘I haven’t ordered drinks yet.’

‘Seriously? What is wrong with you tonight?’ He poked at her ribs harder.

‘Really, Jack? The waiter was just here, why didn’t you ask for it yourself?’ She regretted it the moment it was spoken; she forgot herself. ‘Wait, there’s one there,’ she quickly said. He may not do anything in public, but for Jack, it could wait, and waiting was worse. She motioned for the waiter and turned back to Jack to confirm his drink of choice and felt her blood drain. He was staring at David, his brows knotted in confusion, which turned into a malicious snarl.

‘Jack, what do you want?’ she tried to say as calmly as possible, but she knew it was too late.

‘What … the … fuck?’ he said slowly through clenched teeth. ‘I will fucking kill him.’ He wasn’t talking to her; he was already in a trance.

Panic began to rise in Jennifer. No, I must handle this.

‘Jack,’ she whispered, leaning over. ‘What’s the matter?’ Jennifer’s voice was one of innocence, but her throat was tight and she already knew there was going to be trouble.

‘Are you serious?’ Jack was still talking to himself and she felt her heart begin to race, but there wasn’t anything she could do now.

‘Jack, be quiet,’ she whispered. ‘People are starting to look at you.’ Appealing to his vanity, she desperately needed to distract him. Jack craved acceptance and admiration and the ploy worked, but when he turned his attention to her, she drew back instinctively. His face was contorted and she felt his hate pierce through her. He wouldn’t. Not here. She was not so sure now …

The gentleman on the other side of Jack tapped at him, watching Jennifer at the same time, which brought him back to his senses. He stiffened and changed his expression, before turning away to face his companion. She let out a sigh; she had been holding her breath, but at that moment, she felt his hand on her thigh. He was pinching hard, again and again, digging his fingernails into her skin, through her thin skirt. She felt tears start to well and gave her leg a quick tug but his hold was so tight, she couldn’t free herself from his grip. She stood up quickly and excused herself from the table. Jack turned around and looked up at her, his eyebrows curled in suspicion.

Collecting her purse, Jennifer walked toward the ladies’ room with her head held high. She felt the looks around her, she always did. They loved her and yet hated her. Some women admired her, some were envious, and men just ogled, but right now, she wasn’t thinking about them. She wasn’t thinking, she just wanted to get to the ladies’ room as quickly as possible; she could feel a tear that had already escaped and was threatening to roll down her cheek. Her thigh was smarting and there would be a bruise tomorrow, but she was not worried about that now.

The ladies’ room was empty and she quickly got herself into a cubicle and sat down. She put her head in her hands and wept.

I hate him. I hate him!

Then she thought of David. She loved David. After all this time, she knew her heart was still with him.

She heard the door of the ladies’ room open and then, voices. She shoved the scrunched-up toilet paper against her