Alright, let's get this out of the way: If you can say the phrase, "I'm about to drink a nice glass of pea milk" out loud without dissolving into hysterics, you have never been to seventh grade and I feel sorry for you.
And yet we need milk alternatives because cows are over and everybody hates them now. No one drinks milk anymore; we've all turned to an uproariously diverse buffet of beverages that includes, but is not limited to, almond milk, coconut milk, macadamia milk and hemp milk (yes it's real, and no it doesn't). The newest entrant into the white-hot alternative milk game is Ripple, a yellow split-pea-based concoction that has already made the industry sit up, take notice, giggle at the name, and then say, "Eh, sure, why not."
That's because pea milk has nutritional and environmental upsides to justify the juvenile bathroom puns. The benefits:
* It's dairy-, soy-, nut- and gluten-free.
* It has the same protein content as 2% dairy milk: 8 grams per 8-oz. serving. (Almond milk has just 1 gram.)
* That same 8-oz serving has 20% fewer calories than dairy milk, a sixth of the saturated fat, half the sugar and 50% more calcium—almost half your RDA, in fact.
* Pea milk also contains DHA omega-3 fatty acids (those are the good kind), as well as iron and vitamin D.
* It's also nicer to your sweet, sweet Earth. Ripple says it takes 93% less water to make pea milk than dairy milk. Obviously we're hosing down our cows too much.
Anyway, this is all nice, but the MOST IMPORTANT thing to know about pea milk is that it does not taste a damn thing like peas. What does it taste like? We sampled the four Ripple flavors, which are available for $4.99 per 48-oz. bottle, and collected our findings into this exceedingly scientific report.
Original: Creamier than regular 2% milk, enough so that I instantly thought about repurposing it as coffee creamer (especially because creamers are made from like 95% melted tire rubber). There's a kind of tangy, flat aftertaste, but that might also be the case with 2% milk and I'm just used to it. If they could make regular peas taste more like this, I'd consider eating some.
Original Unsweetened: Original has half the sugar of regular milk. This version has no sugar at all, and it shows. Without sugar, the taste is flatter and chalkier. I'm two sips in and wondering if I have the journalistic drive to attempt a third. Okay, I tried a third and it was a bad decision. I miss you, sugar. I miss you so much.
Vanilla: After the joyless slog of the Unsweetened, Vanilla is like a fireworks show. It's sweet and lovely and creeping into the neighborhood of a milkshake, almost enough that a whole glass might get a little heavy in your gut-parts. Still, the best flavor of the batch.
Chocolate: Not good. Tastes somehow plant-y. If you want to drink chocolate milk, you do not want a milk alternative. Just commit to your sin and plop a couple spoonfuls of Hershey's into a glass of real milk. Or drink the sludge that's left over when you're finished with a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles: part chocolate milk, part floating liquefied rice footballs, all phenomenal. If you've decided on chocolate milk, you don't want be jerking around with plant-based anything.