Happy New Year to all visitors and posters in this forum, especially to kin.
I’m staying gamble free since November 16th 2023, ended this year on a relatively good note.
I finished almost all of my university tests of December, from 13th of January my exams will start.
You could say I’m too busy to gamble, in the meantime I just play videogames.
In the new year I want to find a job, that basically has to be my only goal now, but I keep delaying inevitable.

I failed again today. “Finally” unblocked an old account with a certain amount being left there for months about two weeks ago, played with it for 2-3 days before hitting zero balance. Thought I would stop after that? Nah, it just fed my addiction after almost 4 months of staying away from gambling. Eventually, it happened and now I’m here again. The Day One… no, more like Day Zero. What the f***.

Hi kin,

Thank you. Today was not a good day but it was better than yesterday. Because I didn’t gamble today.

I’m walking down the same street for about three years now, with varying success. The first time I fell down that hole I didn’t even acknowledge the fact it exists.

• This reply was modified 4 months ago by asdfghost.

Today I’ve tripped over and fell down the same hole after just a week and a few days from my last lose. I hate myself.

I couldn’t abstain from betting just as a drug addict who can’t abstain from substances.

Hi kin,

Thank you for your support, unfortunately I have no idea where to seek that help. I won’t be able to tell my parents, or any people I know irl about my problem.

What “saves” me now is the fact I do not have a considerable amount of money as I have no job, so I cannot spend my whole monthly salary, for instance. It’s kind of blessing and a curse. I constantly remind myself and am getting reminded by my parents for that reason. My family situation is also rather complicated…

Here we go again. That didn’t take a long time. I fell with my face down in the dirt. Is it over? I don’t know.

I’m feeling awful these days. Things just aren’t going right at all. Isn’t it pathetic to have a negative self-control value?

I’m f***ing stupid. Thought I could make it to May without any problems, just because I started to feel a little bit better…

I have no idea. Not a small grain of idea. Why my own brain works maliciously like that.

I have so many things to care about, and yet. It forces me to stay carefree, and then the addiction catches me in the most vulnerable state.

I want to cry. It’s been a long time since I did it last time, for the same reason as now. Why can’t I just stop being so reckless, why can’t I get rid of these awful thoughts.

Been gambling again today. And the day before. And on 8-9th May a week ago. It’s getting worse and worse. I have no real money, and that’s really good so my losses each time do not exceed $15-20 which is still kinda lot for me though. And it’s not even my own money, I’m getting everything from my parents as allowance.

It’s starting to get sick. I can’t stop wasting my time on games and money on nothing. I’ve been here, two or three years ago when I had suicidal thoughts related to the insane amounts I lost that time. And my mental condition overall was shitty to put it mildly. I don’t want to be there again. Not this time.

I want to end this nightmare. I just can’t stop ruining my f***ing good for nothing life. I know what I’m getting punished for, honestly. Lack of confidence, procrastination 90% of the time, stupid decisions and losing faith in myself. That’s all symptoms you could say, I’m surely in a bigger trouble than all that put together. I have no real interest in anything but videogames. It may be a stretch, and I have an ability to concentrate on work or study, but I don’t use it very often as I should do. I’m so, so tired of all that shit. I’m at risk of being expelled from university due to tons of academic debts. Not right now, sure, after this summer I’ll have the last chance. If not, three years wasted for nothing. And then the real danger comes. I live in a piece of shit country with conscription. Not only that. There’s ongoing war. If I get drafted I’m dead for sure.

A messy situation don’t you think? I wish I had more abilities to change my life perspectives for at least alright. I’m constantly trying to escape reality by getting into imaginary world. That’s what my parents always told me. I don’t wanna look at this dirty, stinky, garbage reality. It’s painful, and becomes even worse each freaking day. You could say I’m exaggerating. I have no pictures to take from to compare with mine. But that’s what it is for me.

Yesterday and today it happened again. I wasted my time and money on this disgusting addiction. To think I somehow lived more than half of the year in ’23 without any problem. I don’t know. I just feel myself as a pathetic subhuman being that cannot control its impulses, emotions, bad habits, etc.

It all cuts off, little by little, that tiny bit of hope I had at some point, and still have, but it becomes nothing more quickly than slowly. I wish, I really wish it didn’t come to this. But our wishes, you know, they aren’t real. Actions need to be taken for them to come true. And in this case, these actions have never been so obvious. Just stop betting. Pretend you have never done that. Tear up that dirty page of your life away from the book. Start improving yourself.

I want to cry. Again.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by asdfghost.

I’m very close now to the conditions I was back then, at the time I seriously considered suicide. I don’t want to think about it. I want to threw these goddamn thoughts away. They are awful and unreasonable. Nobody including me would ever benefit from that. This addiction has been killing me mentally for so long, and I need to cut it off me. But I can’t. What to do? I don’t know. It’s fucking impossible. It’s no use. I have no escape ways. I’m done.

Please, help me. Somebody. Anybody. Please. I know no one cares or would read this. I don’t care either. Help me.

Tomorrow is my Day 1.
Enough said.

Two and a half days without gambling. It’s deadly hot today out there, and I go to uni every day this week because of the tests and stuff.
I’m having enough troubles to spend my time to. That’s good.
I’m still feeling anxious. Better than a week ago, sure. I’m not going to give up.

Shitty day today. Lost a lot of time to you know what.
First time didn’t lose any money. As if it’s something to be glad about.
I’m a disgusting unhuman being. Installed old ass betting app on my phone even though I’ve blocked my account in another, almost two weeks ago.
I’ve deleted it now. I can’t recover my nerves and time. I can’t get back lost opportunities through the years of addiction,
can’t repair broken mental health, can’t live my life as if I’ve never placed a bet.
I want to cry.

Hi kin,

I wish I knew. To this moment my strategy was to distract myself from that by doing something else.
It didn’t really help in the end of day as we can see. My longest gamble-free period was 9 months from March to December last year.
Was it just a coincidence?

I don’t want to write it, because of the deepest shame.
But I should. I should write it down here every time it happens.

So I gambled again. Was it a sudden impulse or inevitable desire? It does not really matter after all.
I consider myself a deeply sick in the head human, and I cannot help but feel this sickness is gonna be with me forever, my whole life.
It is a pretty terrible disease.
How can I deal with it?

To kin,

Like many times before, your words told me exactly what would happen to me, and I ended up in the same pit again.
Am I not teachable? There’s been years of doing the same thing. Failing every time.
I need to reconsider my so-called strategy or whatever I’m just using to avoid gambling because it seems like nothing works at all.
There’s not even a little light of hope in the end of this damn tunnel. Only misery, disgust and suffering.
I appreciate you writing something here in my thread, trying to give an advice.
I know it’s no use before I take a step myself. Nothing will happen before I do it myself.
And honestly, it needs to be done as fast as possible, otherwise… at some point I will end up in a pit so deep, that I won’t have any option such that I still have right now.

Glad to see the site being fixed.
Unfortunately, I slipped again. I’m writing this today, 19th June, at 12:35 am.
I managed to stay away from gambling for barely 3 days. That is pathetic.
I should be ashamed of myself for being so reckless. So dumb and careless.
That’s insane how I cannot control myself no matter what. IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE.
I cannot explain it to myself at all. There’s no logic involved. Pure idiocy.
I would give anything to cure from this sickness. Give me a break.
I’m feeling so ashamed in front of anyone who reads this.

This place slowly becomes more and more quiet and abandoned, there’s hardly any activity here.
That feels awful. No more groups, even though I’ve had a chance to take part in them last year, I haven’t even tried… and then they closed, after many and many years of existing.
No more online services such as “GT live support”, nothing left here working but forums.
And they are dying too. Spam attacks, occasional breakdowns. And less and less activity with each passing day.
It’s heartbreaking to witness. I’ve had and still have such a great respect for people who kept this place alive for an insanely long time.
From the moderators to regular visitors and posters.
I want the forum to stay. Three or four days ago, when it broke, I’ve had such terrible thoughts that it all just ended like that.
Now, even though it’s available again I can’t help but think we’re close to an end.
Maybe I’m exaggerating. Dunc or someone else from moderation team could correct me. I wish I’m wrong.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by asdfghost.

9 days have passed since my last bet. I managed to stay away and not gamble.
I passed my last exam five days ago. I was exaggerating honestly when I said about “tons” of my academic debts in uni.
I finished pretty much everything, expect one subject that consists only of “laboratory tasks” aka labs, and not require an exam or even a test. I’m gonna finish it off in September.
Today I came to job interview for internship for first time in my life. I can’t say I did well, neither messed up. The results will come soon in a span of one week.

Have I cleaned myself from the mud that I’ve got into while betting again? Yes.
Have I cured myself from the deeply placed disease called addiction? No, and it seems I will never properly do that.
To live in constant fear and anxiety, to suffer from these compulsive thoughts from time to time, or even every passing moment.
A destiny of an addict, truly dreadful.

I still have a light of hope. That I wake up some day. And tell myself: this is it. This is the end. You’re free.
No more addiction. No more struggles and beating yourself up. No more suicidal thoughts. No more fear, no more freaking gambling.
It’s okay to have a dream sometimes.

Thank you, kin!

Gotta find a way to pass the next challenge now.

I wish I had no real reason to write here. I wish.

Here we go again. I fell for the bait of “freebets”, you know these?
They want you to deposit a small amount like $5 to get a “freebet” which is a virtual number that you can bet and if you win, you’ll have the profit (not including the amount of “freebet”) on your record.
Yesterday, or well, two days ago I downloaded a new betting app, and they gave away that stuff to me.
And I managed to keep it. The amount I won. Not for long.
Today, presumably because I did a cashout operation, they sent me another “deal” which was a “freebet” that equals to the amount you deposit.
You can think ahead what has happened next.
Yes, I lost everything again. That’s not a rocket science. That’s freaking gambling. It always ends the same. ALWAYS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why can’t I understand matter that simple? Why, why, why, why?
Why I have to keep coming back and hurt myself, not being able to stop, always rushing with my brainless, empty head, into void.
Into places I will never come back from. Even to the place I’m being right now. Let alone these wet dreams of “full recovery” and such.

I’m very angry at myself now. I’m not afraid. But I’m really depressed at the same time, and that feeling seems to overtake my anger.
No. Just no. I need to remind myself every day. Not today. You don’t bet today.
Imagine how pathetic that sounds for a normal person to read.

• This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by asdfghost.