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Sleep-Deprived Wife Loses It As Sick Husband Keeps Waking Her Up, Then Asks For Help
Interview With AuthorAt the core of practically any happy and healthy marriage, you’ll find good communication, consistent support, empathy, and mutual respect. That being said, no relationship is ever ‘perfect.’ Arguments can and do happen—especially over chores and responsibilities—and some are worse than others. The goal is to use the opportunity to get on the same page and continue on as a team, stronger than ever.
Redditor u/Magical-Princess recently went viral on the AITA online group and elsewhere on the internet after sharing how she snapped at her husband. The woman, who was sleep-deprived, finally had enough after her sick husband asked her to help take care of their child. You’ll find the full story, the update, and the internet’s thoughts below. Bored Panda got in touch with u/Magical-Princess, the author of the viral story, and she was kind enough to share her thoughts on parenting, sleep, parental leave, and postpartum anxiety. Read on for our interview with her.
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It’s very important that married couples remember they’re a team, meant to support each other when things get tough
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
One sleep-deprived mom shared how she snapped at her husband when he got ill, meaning she had to take on his parenting responsibilities
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Magical-Princess
Sleeping in shifts can be a strategy that can help new parents out in the beginning
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
We asked Redditor u/Magical-Princess about the advice that she’d give new parents who feel exhausted and overwhelmed. She suggested sleeping in shifts if you have that possibility, keeping an eye out for postpartum anxiety, and using your ‘village’ (the family, friends, and people in your social circle who can support you) if you have one.
“People talk a lot about postpartum depression (PPD), which is still important, but when postpartum anxiety (PPA) hit me, I didn’t realize it because I was looking out for PPD symptoms. My son has low sleep needs. He meets all milestones but is incredibly active for his age and has always gotten the minimum amount of sleep required. He generally sleeps through the night now, but he was a particularly bad sleeper as a newborn,” the mom opened up to Bored Panda.
“Babies don’t sleep well in general, but my son only slept 40-90 minutes at a time through five months old, and by then I had to go back to work. I was the only person who could do nights with our son because my husband has a medical condition that worsens with bad sleep. Our friends and family wanted to help, but they also have jobs and little ones, or live too far to help regularly. We knew we’d be mostly on our own going into parenthood, but even our friends and family said that our son’s sleep was uniquely terrible,” she said.
The author revealed that she developed severe PPA when her son was three months old. She said that she had to advocate for herself to extend her maternity leave via disability. “The longer I went, only sleeping a few hours at a time, the more unwell I became. Multiple doctors told me I was in a crisis, but refused to help me get disability leave, and someone in a crisis shouldn’t have to beg and plead for mental health help. They said that getting back to work would actually be better for me. I disagreed and was correct,” u/Magical-Princess said.
“I love my job, but I would have completely ruined my hard-earned reputation there if I had gone back at that time. I would have broken down with panic attacks and definitely would have fallen asleep at the wheel during my commute. In the end, the doctors only approved two months [of maternity leave], despite my excellent insurance coverage. They could have given me four,” she said, adding that even though she made things work, it was a very dark time for her.
“Women, and men, are not given enough paid parental leave in the United States. The lack of leave hinders our ability to be the parents our children deserve”
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
“My husband, friends, and family did everything they could to help. My husband couldn’t help with the overnight baby shifts, so he did all household chores and made every meal, but he had to go back to work before I did and I was on my own during the day after that. Friends and family came over to help when they could. In the 10+ years I have been in my career, I did my best to save up sick leave. It still wasn’t enough. Women, and men, are not given enough paid parental leave in the United States. The lack of leave hinders our ability to be the parents our children deserve, and the partners our significant others deserve.”
She continued: “And while bad sleep is a minor issue for us now that my son is older, I am still way more protective of my sleep than I was before, so when my husband woke me unnecessarily, I got understandably snappy.”
The number of comments the author got surprised her. “I don’t think anyone on Reddit expects more than a dozen comments per post, so no, I definitely wasn’t expecting 2,000+ comments. I think it [the story] resonated with so many people because it’s a common problem for couples to argue when their sleep is impacted. It’s why I prefer to sleep separately from my husband. I don’t think a lot of couples sleep separately and probably should,” she told Bored Panda.
According to u/Magical-Princess, the comments mostly made her and her husband giggle. “People got way more upset than I think we did,” she said.
Not everyone was as polite as you might expect, however. “What surprised us the most though, was the name-calling. He was called: toddler, baby, manipulative, and abusive. I was called: selfish, insufferable, vile, and a witch. I don’t think we are any of those things. I think we are two imperfect, decent, people who had an argument.”
Couples need to find ways to support each other when one of them isn’t feeling their best
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
The goal is to be a team and remain a team no matter the ups and downs in your relationship. Not only does that entail respecting each other’s boundaries, it also means actively supporting your partner when they need it.
To be very direct, you can’t expect to do much of anything when you’re chronically exhausted or ill. You need quality rest to get better. You need to take care of yourself first so that you can then take care of others.
If you see that your partner hasn’t gotten enough sleep the past few days, you can step in and take care of the kids, do the chores, and do anything else that needs doing. Is it tiring? Sure. But the only other option would be to dump those responsibilities on your exhausted partner which is going to strain your relationship and lead to a ton of resentment down the line.
Similarly, if you’re feeling well but your partner is sick, you can take on their share of the responsibilities for a while. Then, when they get better, you can continue splitting the chores, housework, and parental responsibilities in a fair way.
‘Fair’ obviously doesn’t mean a perfectly equal 50-50 split, though. Different families have different circumstances, where one partner might work long hours from the office while the other has more flexibility with their remote job. So, you need to take that into account. But there should never be a situation where one person does the absolute majority of the chores.
If there’s an issue with the way the chores are split, you need to talk to your partner about finding a fairer setup. They can’t read minds, so if there’s a problem, you really can’t expect them to read your body language and tone and ascertain that you’re having a hard time.
You should be firm about what you need and explain how their behavior affects you, but you also shouldn’t sound judgmental. People who are being judged can get defensive or avoid the issue altogether, which is good for nobody if you want a compromise.
A good way to split the chores is to look at what you like or don’t mind doing and take on those responsibilities, letting your partner do the same. As for the housework that nobody enjoys, you can split that evenly. Obviously, everyone still pitches in as needed, trying to help out around the house without being asked.
Sleep deprivation is nothing to laugh at. If you’re chronically exhausted, it has serious effects on your physical and mental health
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
The way that sleep works, according to research, is that our brains use the downtime to ‘wash’ themselves and flush out chemical waste.
Sleep deprivation is serious business. If you constantly get less than 7 to 8 hours of sleep (slightly more or less depending on your body, genetics, and age), you can cause serious harm to your physical and mental health. The longer you’re sleep-deprived, the more serious the potential risks.
For example, the Cleveland Clinic explains that if you get just 1.5 hours of sleep less one night, your immune and cardiovascular systems suffer.
Sleep deprivation can also lead to memory problems, moodiness, a lack of alertness, and an inability or an unwillingness to take part in normal daily activities. These are short-term effects.
Long-term effects of sleep deprivation include anxiety, depression, forgetfulness, blurred vision, and slow(er) reaction times.
The person also develops issues with their immune system and hormones, feels more stress in life, and is at risk of developing neurodegenerative diseases.
How do you split the responsibilities with your partner if one of you is feeling tired or ill, dear Pandas? What do you do if you’re both exhausted? Let us know in the comments.
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Magical-Princess
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
OP and husband should have permanently separated their sleeping arrangements long ago - whether it was two beds in the same room or separate bedrooms. No more waffling or "caving in". Husband may not like sleeping alone, but OP clearly cannot get any good sleep in the same bed as him, so he needs to be understanding of that. It sucks, but sometimes couples are NOT sleep-compatible. I hated going on vacation with my ex when we were still together, because he snored loudly and constantly, peppered in with moments of stopping breathing altogether (which would rocket me into terrified awakeness every time - my half-asleep brain was convinced he was dead every time.) There were some times I'd sleep in the hotel room bathtub just to get a chance at actual sleep. During the three years we lived together, we slept in separate rooms. It doesn't have to be relationship-ending, but sleep incompatibility HAS to be worked out. It is imperative to get good sleep.
BoredLittleLeafSheep 6 days ago (edited)
Best thing my husband and I did was "sleep divorce". We both snore, he likes it hot, I like it cool, he wants flannel sheets, I need smooth cotton ones, he's a blanket hog, I shift around alot. And, like OP, if I'm constantly awakened I just can't get back to sleep. Sleeping separately allows both of us to get better sleep which allows us to be more considerate of each other when we're awake. With that said, man colds are a thing. I remember reading a medical article about how their physiology actually affects the severity of their symptoms, so they feel worse than a woman during a cold. In any event, no a******s here; they just need a sleep divorce.
Load More Replies... sturmwesen 6 days ago
Seriously... I am from the "when I wake I am awake variety". If my partner is ill I sleep on the couch...same when I am ill. He is still very inconsiderate.
Royal Stray 6 days ago
Waking someone up and ask them for a blanket when they're at the end of the bed is not being sick, that's being lazy. Unless you're having a high fever, or throwing up there's no need to wake someone up to help you with anything. If he woke her up blowing his nose that'd be one thing, and the snoring and nightmare isn't his fault. But he could have called his job before going to bed, and just checked the time on his phone. He also needs to do the sleep study and not continue to put it off if it's this bad. This is just handled poorly in general. No-one is a huge AH and this didn't need to be on reddit, just a conversation between two adults when she got home.
Jessica SpeLangm 6 days ago
I agree with most of what you said, Royal Stray. The snoring and nightmares ARE his fault if he has sleep apnea and is refusing to get treatment for that.
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 days ago
OP and husband should have permanently separated their sleeping arrangements long ago - whether it was two beds in the same room or separate bedrooms. No more waffling or "caving in". Husband may not like sleeping alone, but OP clearly cannot get any good sleep in the same bed as him, so he needs to be understanding of that. It sucks, but sometimes couples are NOT sleep-compatible. I hated going on vacation with my ex when we were still together, because he snored loudly and constantly, peppered in with moments of stopping breathing altogether (which would rocket me into terrified awakeness every time - my half-asleep brain was convinced he was dead every time.) There were some times I'd sleep in the hotel room bathtub just to get a chance at actual sleep. During the three years we lived together, we slept in separate rooms. It doesn't have to be relationship-ending, but sleep incompatibility HAS to be worked out. It is imperative to get good sleep.
BoredLittleLeafSheep 6 days ago (edited)
Best thing my husband and I did was "sleep divorce". We both snore, he likes it hot, I like it cool, he wants flannel sheets, I need smooth cotton ones, he's a blanket hog, I shift around alot. And, like OP, if I'm constantly awakened I just can't get back to sleep. Sleeping separately allows both of us to get better sleep which allows us to be more considerate of each other when we're awake. With that said, man colds are a thing. I remember reading a medical article about how their physiology actually affects the severity of their symptoms, so they feel worse than a woman during a cold. In any event, no a******s here; they just need a sleep divorce.
Load More Replies... sturmwesen 6 days ago
Seriously... I am from the "when I wake I am awake variety". If my partner is ill I sleep on the couch...same when I am ill. He is still very inconsiderate.
Royal Stray 6 days ago
Waking someone up and ask them for a blanket when they're at the end of the bed is not being sick, that's being lazy. Unless you're having a high fever, or throwing up there's no need to wake someone up to help you with anything. If he woke her up blowing his nose that'd be one thing, and the snoring and nightmare isn't his fault. But he could have called his job before going to bed, and just checked the time on his phone. He also needs to do the sleep study and not continue to put it off if it's this bad. This is just handled poorly in general. No-one is a huge AH and this didn't need to be on reddit, just a conversation between two adults when she got home.
Jessica SpeLangm 6 days ago
I agree with most of what you said, Royal Stray. The snoring and nightmares ARE his fault if he has sleep apnea and is refusing to get treatment for that.
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