This article was downloaded by: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] On: 23 May 2010 Access details: Access Details: [subscription number 911724993] Publisher Routledge Informa Ltd Registered in England and Wales Registered Number: 1072954 Registered office: Mortimer House, 3741 Mortimer Street, London W1T 3JH, UK Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy Publication details, including instructions for authors and subscription information: http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/title~content=t792303987 Older Women/Younger Men Nichole Proulx a; Sandra L. Caron a;Mary Ellin Logue a University of Maine, ME, USA a To cite this Article Proulx, Nichole , Caron, Sandra L. andLogue, Mary Ellin(2006) 'Older Women/Younger Men', Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 5: 4, 43 — 64 To link to this Article: DOI: 10.1300/J398v05n04_03 URL: http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J398v05n04_03 PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR ARTICLE Full terms and conditions of use: http://www.informaworld.com/terms-and-conditions-of-access.pdf This article may be used for research, teaching and private study purposes. Any substantial or systematic reproduction, re-distribution, re-selling, loan or sub-licensing, systematic supply or distribution in any form to anyone is expressly forbidden. The publisher does not give any warranty express or implied or make any representation that the contents will be complete or accurate or up to date. The accuracy of any instructions, formulae and drug doses should be independently verified with primary sources. The publisher shall not be liable for any loss, actions, claims, proceedings, demand or costs or damages whatsoever or howsoever caused arising directly or indirectly in connection with or arising out of the use of this material. Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Older Women/Younger Men: A Look at the Implications of Age Difference in Marriage Nichole Proulx Sandra L. Caron Mary Ellin Logue ABSTRACT. This study provides insight into the lives of eight married couples involved in an age-heterogamous relationship where the wife is ten or more years older than her husband. While there is a lot of information in the literature about men who date and marry younger women, the research on this subject is very limited or outdated. This exploratory study provides valuable information in several areas about couples in womanolder marriages. The interviews were conducted with each participant separately and explored three major topics of interest: The impact the age difference has on the relationship, the issues that arise for the couple, and any difference in husbands and wives experience. Implications for professionals working with such couples, as well as for further research, are discussed. doi:10.1300/J398v05n04_03 [Article copies available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service: 1-800-HAWORTH. E-mail address: <docdelivery@haworthpress.com> Website: <http://www.HaworthPress.com> © 2006 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.] KEYWORDS. Heterogamy, homogamy, age-discrepant marriage Nichole Proulx, Sandra L. Caron, and Mary Ellin Logue are affiliated with University of Maine, ME. Address correspondence to: Sandra L. Caron, PhD, University of Maine, 5749 Merrill Hall, Orono, ME 04469 (E-mail: sandy.caron@umit.maine.edu). Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, Vol. 5(4) 2006 Available online at http://jcrt.haworthpress.com © 2006 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved. doi:10.1300/J398v05n04_03 43 Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 44 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY According to the filter theory of mate selection, we tend to narrow down our potential mates through a variety of ways. According to Kerckhoff and Davis (1962), we begin with one large pool of eligible partners, and after filtering for propinquity (geographic closeness), ethnicity and race, age, and socioeconomic status, we are left with a very small number of potential spouses who most resemble us. Generally, it is out of this small sample that we choose the person we will marry. “Like attracts like” is a general rule of thumb for selecting dating and marital partners. This theory tends to hold true in many relationships today (Knox, Zusman, & Nieves, 1997). In most cases, the person we marry has a similar education and socioeconomic status, and is also the same race and age, with the man in the relationship being slightly older than his partner. There has been a small shift from these more homogamous relationships of the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s to the more heterogamous relationships of the ’80s, ’90s, and today. Mixed racial and ethnic, as well as interfaith, marriages have certainly become more widely practiced as well as accepted in today’s society. Husband-older relationships are still customary, especially when the age difference is only a few years (Knox, Britton, & Crisp, 1997). However, even when it means that the husband is significantly older, we, as a culture, are much more likely to accept it than if the age difference is the reverse, where she is the older partner in the relationship (Knox, Zusman, & Nieves, 1997). Vera, Berardo, and Berardo (1985) state that society looks down upon woman-older relationships because of the incest taboo. In essence, the large age difference between the woman and the man is seen as a mother/son relationship. Despite this, a number of romantic and self-help books have been published on this topic (e.g., Older women/younger men by Brings & Winter; A guide for older women dating younger men by Gibson; A much younger man by Highbridge; Loving a younger man by Houston). Talk shows like Oprah have devoted entire shows to talking with couples that are engaged in this type of marriage, and her October 2003 magazine featured a cover story regarding this topic (Picket, 2003). More recently, several celebrity women have been in the spotlight for marrying or dating men who are significantly younger than they are. Demi Moore, Joan Lunden, Madonna, and Courtney Cox Arquette are just some of these examples. Certainly, the media coverage these celebrities have received is more than just the glamour effects of their age-discrepant relationships, it is also society’s way of saying that they have moved away from the norm and ventured outside the boundaries of usual practices in dating and marriage. Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 45 According to Shehan, Berardo, Vera, and Carley (1991), 22 percent of weddings performed every year in the United States involve women who are older than their husbands. This is a relatively surprising statistic given the apprehension to such marriages in our society. And an AARP study of 1,407 single men and 2,094 single women aged 40-69 found 20 percent of the women surveyed were dating, or had recently dated a man that was five or more years younger than they were (Montenegro, 2003). This confirms that some women who are single during midlife are turning to younger men for a relationship. When looking at age-heterogamous relationships, researchers have paid special attention to a number of predictors for this type of partnering. Atkinson and Glass (1985), attribute this change to an increase in gender equality in this country. As women become more equal in society they are less likely to conform to traditional gender roles and patterns, therefore, foregoing the usual pattern in marriage where the male is older than the female. Factors such as education and marital history have also been noted (Bytheway, 1981; Shehan et al., 1991). Education appears to play an important role in determining the likelihood that a woman will participate in an age-heterogamous marriage. Social scientists have theorized that an increase in education may be associated with an increase in the tendency of women to participate in heterogamous relationships (Shehan et al., 1991). This may be due to the fact that highly educated women tend to marry later, thus lessening their pool of potential mates and increasing their likelihood of marrying someone younger, as well as possess more liberal ideas about marriage. In terms of marital history, heterogamous relationships are most likely to occur for women who are participating in second marriages. Shehan et al. (1991) found that women who were in second marriages were seven times more likely to be in relationships where they were older than their husbands. A British study of marital patterns in the 1970s also found that those who remain unmarried into middle age were likely to marry people younger than themselves; this was particularly true for women more so than men (Bytheway, 1981). Despite the frequency of such relationships, very few studies were found in the literature that examined the issues that arise for couples in this type of marriage (where the woman is significantly older than her husband). One study conducted by Seskin and Ziegler (1979) involved interviews with seventy-six women who were in woman-older relationships. The results of this study did not report any statistics; however, general themes were explored. According to some of the women, a large part of their initial willingness to participate in a socially unaccepted re- Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 46 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY lationship like this was the attractiveness of their partner. Many were attracted to the men simply because of their youth and the physical attractions that accompany it. Others found the liveliness of their partners to be striking mostly due to the fact that they were much younger. The woman reported that one of the best parts about being involved in this type of relationship was that it made them feel younger. This was because they were not with someone who was also at the same point in aging as they were, and thus the younger man was not necessarily worrying about aging because he was not there yet, or at least not to an advanced point. The age difference did raise some issues of insecurity for the women surrounding their attractiveness when it came to intimacy (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979). Even women who considered themselves to be in good shape reported that they wondered if they could compare with the beauty that is associated with youth and still capture their younger partner’s attention. The women felt that the age difference did not play a very large role in everyday life, and was able to be “brushed under the carpet.” And while the women reported that the issue of age did come up periodically, it could not be completely forgotten by the couple. The women who participated in Seskin and Ziegler’s (1979) interviews also reported that they felt the social pressures from both their peers and their children (if they had any from a previous marriage) surrounding the type of relationship they were participating in. Like the rest of society, many of the women’s friends could not understand why or how such a relationship could work, much less why the women were inclined to stay with their younger men. The women who had children from a previous relationship reported that their children also felt embarrassed at the site of being with the couple in public, especially when the age difference was visibly noticeable. Certainly, these reactions play into the social definitions of what is and is not acceptable for relationships. Vast age differences, especially in woman-older relationships, clearly violate the norms in this society. They also found that the women felt badly about making more money than their partners, as well as already being more financially sound because they were well established in their careers (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979). In some cases it led to conflict between the couple, especially when they were dating. This finding was also supported in a study by Brings and Winter (2000). Their study also discussed another issue that is unique to woman-older relationships. This involved the developmental stage of the male in the relationship. Not only were his interests in music and television different, but also his readiness for a serious com- Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 47 mitment. They concluded that men in their twenties who were dating older women may not be as ready to be involved in a committed relationship as older men are, simply because they are still discovering who they are and what they want out of life (Brings & Winter, 2001). While a small number of studies have been conducted on this topic, those that have been done are out of date and are very limited in their findings (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979; Brings & Winter, 2000). Very little has actually been reported about the issues that arise within these marriages. Furthermore, the men in these relationships have not been interviewed about their perception of being involved in a woman-older marriage, and none of the research shows a comparison between men and women about what they perceive to be the issues that are raised. The purpose of this study was to add to the research on this type of marriage by gaining insight into the issues that arise in marriages in which the woman is significantly older than her husband. More specifically, this research focused on three research questions: (1) What impact has the age difference had on the relationship because the woman is significantly older? (2) What issues are presented by the couples involved in age-heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older? (3) Do husbands and wives perceive different issues being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage? METHODOLOGY Sample The study consisted of interviews with eight married couples involved in a relationship where the woman is significantly older by ten or more years than her husband. The husbands and wives were interviewed separately. The convenience sampling method was employed due to the difficulty of identifying the couples to be interviewed and because of the time limitations of the thesis project. The participants were found through contacts with committee members, co-workers, acquaintances of the primary investigator, and word of mouth. Finally, an e-mail announcement was forwarded to several university discussion boards/conferences. The couples in the sample ranged in age from 24 to 61; with males’ age ranging from 24 to 51, and females’ from 34 to 61. The age difference between the husband and wife ranged from her being 10 years older to 17 years older. All but one participant identified their race/eth- Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 48 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY nicity as Caucasian (one male identified as Asian). Most couples could be described as middle class, with most having at least college education (11:16) and many holding professional positions (e.g., teacher, manager, computer programmer, professor, academic counselor) (see Table 1). The women’s age at the time of marriage ranged from 34 to 53 years, with 75% of the women being in their late thirties and early forties (6:8). For males, their age at marriage was 23 to 43 years, with 75% of the men in their early- to mid-twenties (6:8) at the time of marriage. The couples had been married anywhere from 7 months to 15 years, and dated from less than a year to five years before marrying. All couples knew about their significant age difference before becoming romantically involved. Many of the women (6:8) had been married at least once before, while most of the men (6:8) had never been married previously. For women, 75% (6:8) had a previous romantic relationship with a younger man, while 50% (4:8) of the men had a previous romantic relaTABLE 1. Demographics (8 Husbands ⫹ 8 Wives) Husband Wife Age Range 24 to 51 34 to 61 Professional Position 5 (63%) 6 (75%) Age Range at Marriage 23 to 43 34 to 53 Married in 20s 6 (75%) 0 Married in 30s 0 4 (50%) Married in 40s 2 (25%) 3 (38%) Married in 50s Demographics of Subjects 0 1 (13%) Previous Marriage 2 (25%) 6 (75%) Previous Romantic Relationship with an Older Woman/Younger Man 4 (50%) 6 (75%) Have Children 5 (63%) 7 (88%) Have Children from Previous Relationship 2 (25%) 5 (63%) Have One Child 4 (50%) 3 (38%) Have Two Children 1 (13%) 1 (13%) Have Three Children 0 3 (38%) Demographics of Children Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 49 tionship with an older woman. When asked if there was a trend of age-discrepant romantic relationships in their own family, 44% (7:16) of the participants said there was; four out of the seven were men who reported this trend in their family. In looking at children, only one couple did not have any children from the present or a previous relationship, and two other men never had children of their own but became a stepfather to his wife’s children from a previous marriage. Three of the couples have children from this marriage, while most (63%) brought anywhere from one to three children from a previous relationship (5:8 couples). One of these couples had an adult child who never lived with them in this current marriage. The children’s ages ranged from 2 years to 35 years. Interview Procedure The interview consisted of 29 open-ended questions, and was approved through the Human Subjects Committee of the university. Questions 1-13 in the interview protocol were questions pertaining to demographics of each individual interviewed. Interview questions 14-18 explored the demographics of any children involved. Each interview question from 19 to 29 was asked to gather enough information to answer the three major research questions. Specifically, interview questions 19-24 pertained to research question 1: What impact has the age difference (specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship? Interview questions 25-29 pertained to research question 2: What issues are presented by couples involved in ageheterogamous relationships in which the woman is older? The answers reported by the husband and wife, from interview questions 19-29 were compared in order to answer research question 3: Do husbands and wives perceive different issues being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage? Interview Technique Couples who expressed interest in participating in this research were given a copy of the consent form before an interview was scheduled. Consent was implied when they agreed to arrange an interview after reviewing the consent form. Interviews with couples were conducted face-to-face either at the couples’ home or in a private conference room on the university campus. Interviews lasted approximately one hour, during which time extensive notes were taken and the interviews were Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 50 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY tape-recorded. At the end of the interview, participants were given the opportunity to review their responses for omissions or clarifications. Participants were assured that any and all responses would be kept confidential. No names were included in the data report; a code number was assigned to each interview. Notes from each interview were typed. Responses to interview questions were analyzed using established methods of qualitative inquiry, including coding and categorizing processes that make use of both deductive and inductive approaches (Miles & Huberman, 1984). Data were first organized by responses to each interview question and initial coding categories were created. Data were then coded by each researcher, compared, differences discussed, and coding categories refined. RESULTS Research Question 1 The first research question asked, “What impact has the age difference (specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship?” Six questions (Q19-24) from the interview schedule pertained to this area. Results are presented in Table 2. The first question (Q19) asked participants to identify the unique benefits of being in this type of relationship. The most typical responses included: She has more life experience/maturity (n = 7), she is more established in her career/finances (n = 6), a younger man helps keep her young/active (n = 3), and not being stuck in traditional roles (n = 3). Two mentioned death and dying issues–one in reference to the husband being around for their child should she die earlier, while another couple discussed the advantage of dying at the same time (noting that women typically live 10 years longer than men). Examples include the following: • She helped me through areas I was not mature in, and she had more life experience and perspective. (Husband, Couple #8) • She has herself established with where she was in her life–she had already established her professional career and owned her own home. (Husband, Couple #4) • He is an active person, and having a younger person helps me to be active. (Wife, Couple #6) Proulx, Caron, and Logue 51 Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 • By marrying a younger man I am going against the traditional idea that I should marry someone who is older and will take care of me. (Wife, Couple #4) The second question (Q20) asked couples to identify unique drawbacks to this type of relationship. Two themes emerged: The issue of TABLE 2. Results for Research Question 1 What impact has the age difference (specifically because the woman is significantly older) had on the relationship? (8 Husbands and 8 Wives) Husband Wife Life Experience/Maturity 6 1 She is more established in her career/finances 4 2 Keeps her active 1 2 Not stuck in traditional roles 1 2 Aging 4 3 Social Stigma 1 3 Yes 4 2 No 4 6 Hesitant 4 4 Not Hesitant 4 4 Family No Issues 5 4 Family Issues 3 4 Children No Issues 2 2 Children Issues 3 3 Yes 8 6 No 0 2 Question 19: Benefits Question 20: Drawbacks Question 21: Did the age difference attract you to your spouse? Question 22: Kept as a secret/hesitated to tell others? Question 23: Reactions Children’s Reactions (5 Couples with children old enough) Question 24: Can age differences be forgotten? 52 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 aging (as it relates to looks, health, and being active (n = 7) and social stigma (n = 4) attached to older women being with younger men. • I am concerned about aging and him still wanting me when I’m old and wrinkly, and I don’t want to look like his mother. (Wife, Couple #1) • We hesitate to tell others, for the most part, because we know how people have reacted in the past and the remarks that have been made. People are pretty close-minded. (Husband, Couple #5) The third question (Q21) asked the subjects if the age difference played a role in attracting them to their spouse. Six out of the sixteen participants said that the age difference had played a role in their initial attraction to their spouse, and three of the six noted that they had always been attracted to the age difference. Examples include: • Yes, the novelty of it was great and I was really attracted to his boyish charm. (Wife, Couple #2) • It did play a role in attracting me to her. I guess you could say that I’ve always had a thing for older women. (Husband, Couple #7) The fourth question (Q22) asked couples about who knows about their age difference, and if it is something they keep or initially kept as a secret. While all of the couples reported that at least close friends and family were aware of their age difference, half of the couples (4:8) reported that they had some hesitancy around telling others about their age difference, especially in the beginning of their relationship. Two examples include: • All of our friends and family know. We didn’t necessarily keep it as a secret, but we didn’t say anything to family members until they got to know her first. (Husband, Couple #6) • Everyone knows. Initially I kept it as a secret and I even lied about his age. I didn’t tell my mother for a long time how young he actually was. (Wife, Couple #1) The fifth question (Q23) asked about people’s reaction to the age difference and the kinds of responses they received. While nine of the sixteen participants said that their family was fine, seven said that their family had negative reactions to the age difference, at least initially and especially the mother. Four of these couples said that her parents were Proulx, Caron, and Logue 53 Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 skeptical or against the relationship, and three couples identified that his parents expressed concern. Examples of family reactions include: • Her mother had big doubts about the relationship. (Husband, Couple #2) • Our parents were absolutely dumbfounded and in disbelief about the relationship because we look so obviously different in age. (Husband, Couple #3) • My parents weren’t bothered at all. In fact, my father was happy that I found someone to love. (Wife, Couple #4) • His parents were concerned at first, but since his mother is four years older than his father, that helped. (Wife, Couple #6) This question also asked couples who had children about their children’s reaction. Five of the couples had children old enough to understand the age difference. Three couples reported that their children had a negative reaction to the relationship, at least initially, due to the fact that the husband is close in age to her children from a previous relationship. One couple commented that they have had positive reactions from their children. Examples include: • Her kids think I’m cool, but there are power struggles over who parents the kids because I am close to their age. (Husband, Couple #1) • We both had teens from previous marriages and have had good reactions, in fact my daughter actually fixed us up! (Husband, Couple #5) Three of the couples reported that their friends had reservations about the relationship (referring to it as “robbing the cradle”). On the other hand, one of the participants (Wife, Couple #5) noted that her friends saw it as a good thing, “Thank god he’s younger because she’d kill someone her own age” (because she’s so active and it’s assumed that a man her age wouldn’t be able to keep up). The last question that pertains to research question one (Q24) asked if age differences could be forgotten. Overall, most participants agreed (14:16) that age differences can be forgotten on a daily basis, however instances such as birthdays, filling out forms that ask for ages, and talk of her retirement are examples of times when age cannot be forgotten. Examples include: • Yes, in everyday life it can be forgotten although it is always present underneath. (Wife, Couple #2) 54 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY • No, I don’t think so. I think about it occasionally and I have concerns about not wanting to be a burden on him later in life. (Wife, Couple #6) Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Research Question 2 The second research question asked, “What issues are presented by the couples involved in age-heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older?” Five questions (Q25-29) from the interview schedule pertained to this area. Results are presented in Table 3. The first question (Q25) asked if the participants had doubts about continuing/pursuing the relationship once they discovered the age difference, and if so what issues were raised. Nine of the sixteen participants stated that they did have doubts about continuing the relationship because of the age difference, while seven did not. The most common reasons for doubting TABLE 3. Results for Research Question 2 What issues are presented by the couples involved in age heterogamous marriages in which the woman is older? (8 Husbands and 8 Wives) Husband Wife Doubts 2 7 No Doubts 6 1 Yes 2 2 No 6 6 Self 2 3 Spouse 5 1 Neither 1 4 Question 25: Doubts about continuing/pursuing the relationship? Question 26: Did the age difference affect intimacy? Question 27: Is the age difference a bigger issue for you or your spouse? Question 28: When does age come up as an issue? Work/Career 2 2 Power Struggles 3 3 Money 0 0 Interests 4 4 Other–Fertility 3 3 1 1 No More Children Proulx, Caron, and Logue 55 Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 identified were about her aging (n = 4), acceptance by family (n = 3), and having a premade family/step-parenting (n = 3). • The age difference seems small now, but I feel that it will be a bigger issue later in life as she grows older and begins to break down. (Husband, Couple #8) • I had doubts about my family’s reaction to the age difference especially since my son is only a few years younger than him. I was also worried about my daughter not liking it. (Wife, Couple #3) • I did have doubts about marrying into a premade family and wondered if I really wanted to marry into this. (Husband, Couple #1) The second question (Q26) asked if the age difference affected intimacy especially around experience and attractiveness. Twelve of the sixteen subjects stated that they did not have any issues with intimacy because of the age difference; while four stated that it was an issue for them (two were related to experience; two were related to attractiveness). Examples included: • She had been with more people and this was a concern for me. (Husband, Couple #2) • There are body issues around not feeling slim and trim and it’s a struggle to keep a youthful body. (Wife, Couple #6) • There are issues around her lack of experience because there is a decade of difference in things that are acceptable. (Husband, Couple #8) The third question (Q27) asked if the age difference was a bigger issue for him/her or their spouse. Five participants did not see this as an issue for either of them, however eight reported that it was a bigger issue for her (five husbands and three wives said this). Only three subjects reported that it was a bigger issue for him (two husbands and one wife said this). Examples include: • Age difference is bigger for her because she is concerned about me finding her attractive when we get older. (Husband, Couple #1) • I am very self-conscious that I look older than he does. (Wife, Couple #5). The fourth question (Q28) asked couples to identify when age comes up as an issue particularly in areas such as work/career, power strug- Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 56 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY gles, money, and age/developmental issues. Only two couples felt that there were issues related to work/career. Three couples identified power struggles due to the age difference as an issue in their marriage. No couples identified money as an issue, even though in three relationships she makes more than he does. Four of the eight couples identified different interests due to their age/developmental differences; all four of the couples stated that they have different music and television/movie interests. Three examples include: • I felt pressure to establish my own career because she was so established; she wasn’t going to wait around for me to get my act together. (Husband, Couple #4) • He treats me like a parent and once in a while he’ll even call me mom by accident. (Wife, Couple #3) • We have different music and TV interests. Let me put it this way, I saw the original Brady Bunch and he saw the re-runs. (Wife, Couple #4) Other issues identified by the participants centered on fertility (biological clock) as well as her not wanting to have any more children. Half of the couples raised these as concerns. • By the time we met and married my biological clock had already run out so we missed out on having children. (Wife, Couple #6) • Age made a difference when we were deciding to have kids. Because of my age, I didn’t want to wait, he would have liked to wait a while. (Wife, Couple #8) • She already had children and doesn’t want any more kids, even though I would like to father my own children. (Husband, Couple #2) Finally, the last question (Q29) asked participants what advice they would give to other couples entering into this type of marriage. A list of suggestions can found in Table 4. The advice ranged from not letting age be a factor, to being realistic and aware of the differences that may exist. One of the themes that was most apparent in the advice given was that the subjects felt participating in a woman-older relationship was certainly something that they would recommend to others, but that it was important for them to know what they were getting into. Another Proulx, Caron, and Logue 57 TABLE 4. Advice for People Entering this Type of Marriage (Question 29) Advice from Men Know what you want: Don’t try to make people younger or older, just let them be who they are. Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Be prepared for the nasty comments. Be prepared that there are people who don’t approve. Go for it if you can set the differences aside. Work out her being a mother. Don’t worry about what others think, you are the ones who have to be happy. If it’s going to be successful you have to make sure that you get past the age difference because it could be destructive. This is the best way to be successful. If the guy gets hung up on the fact that the girl is older then it won’t work. The guy has to accept the fact that he needs to have a healthy ego and not fall into traditional roles. To some extent age shouldn’t matter, it’s how you get along with someone. As long as you don’t mind, I’d say it would be alright. You have to make up your own mind, it depends on the individual. There are differences and they will exist, and adding age is another issue you have to work around. You have to work around it and work together. Watch out because age can apply to interests and to children. Advice from Women A good friend told me that what matters is that we are in the same place. Can’t disregard people because of their age. Take things day by day and don’t let it consume you. It can make things more interesting. Follow your heart and don’t stop talking: Communicate. Pretend each day is your honeymoon. I’m doing what men have been doing for centuries. Shouldn’t put your head in the sand. Go into it with eyes wide open and be realistic. While it may not be an issue for you, it may be for others so you need to be secure in your relationship. Be glad that you aren’t in a stereotypical relationship; it’s great for women. Be careful about not putting the person in the parent role and the other in the child role. Put the age issue behind them. A relationship isn’t based on numbers. Any relationship is built on morals and important commonalities. I would not let age enter into it. It’s a hard thing to do. Take a look again at your goals and objectives, but play them against each other’s while looking at moving into older age. 58 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY TABLE 4 (continued) It’s about the level of trust you have for each of you that the relationship will last. Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 You have to be very honest when combining households. You have to look at what you are letting go of and it’s important to discuss what has sentimental value. Same as to anyone getting married: Take time to get to know the person and love and respect them. Age doesn’t matter. Don’t let social conventions about older women and younger men get in the way. theme that emerged was to be aware of what society was thinking and to be prepared for the social stigma that surrounds this type of relationship. Research Question 3 The third research question asked, “Do husbands and wives perceive different issues being raised within the context of the woman-older marriage?” Eleven questions (19-29) from the interview protocol pertained to this area. There were no differences between what husbands and wives had to say in several areas including whether they hesitated to tell anyone about their relationship (Q22), their family and children’s reactions (Q23), impact on their intimacy (Q26), and when age comes up as an issue (Q28). However, there were a number of differences in the way wives and husbands responded to several questions that may indicate a variation in their experience within this type of marriage as presented in Tables 2 and 3. In question 19 there was a difference between what men and women identified as benefits of being involved in a woman-older marriage. Men overwhelmingly described the woman having life experience as being a benefit (6:8 as compared with 1:8 women). Men also identified more often than women, that her being more established in her career/finances was also a benefit (4:8 as compared with 2:8 women). In question 20 women identified more often than men the social stigma as a drawback to this type of relationship (3:8 women and 1:8 men). Question 21 asked the husbands and wives if the age difference attracted them to their spouse. While the men identified more often than the women that the age difference attracted them to their spouse (4:8 men said yes and 2:8 women said yes), the women identified more often that his younger age was not a factor in her attraction to him (6:8 women said no and 4:8 men said no). When asked if age difference can be forgotten (Q24), more men than women said yes (8:8 men and 6:8 women). Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 59 Question 25 asked if the participants had doubts about continuing/pursuing the relationship, and the wives were much more likely to say that they did have doubts (7:8) as compared with the men who said they had no doubts (6:8). When asked if age difference is a bigger issue for you or your spouse (Q27), the husbands were much more likely to identify the wives as having the bigger problem (5:8), whereas the wives were more likely to say that neither of them saw the age difference as a big issue (4:8). DISCUSSION The responses by couples that were interviewed in this study supported previous research in terms of who these women are that marry a man who is significantly younger. These women tend to be educated, marry later in life, and in a second marriage (Atkinson & Glass, 1985; Bytheway, 1981; Shehan et al., 1991). In fact, six of the eight women interviewed for this study had at least a college education, were in their late thirties to early forties when marrying their husband, and had been married at least once before. In addition, six of the women in this study had been previously involved with a younger man, supporting Seskin and Ziegler’s (1979) finding that women report they had been attracted to younger men in the past. This study also supported previous research when it found that almost half of the women reported that the social stigma surrounding the woman-older marriage was a drawback to the relationship. Seskin and Ziegler (1979) had identified that many women reported feeling social pressures from their friends and family. Further, half of the men and women in this study reported that their family and children had problems, at least initially, with their marriage because of its unconventional nature. In fact, half of the couples reported that they were hesitant to tell their friends and family about their relationship. While previous research (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979) found that many women in woman-older relationships reported that they are attracted to younger men, the present study found this to be true not only for the women, but even more so for the men in the study. Half of the men reported that they had dated an older woman and were specifically interested in her because of her age. Unfortunately, there is little research on the men who date and marry these women. The couples interviewed in this study were asked if it was possible to forget their age difference. The overwhelming majority of the couples Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 60 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY reported that it was possible on a daily basis, but the age difference could not be forgotten. This supports Seskin and Ziegler’s (1979) research finding that age difference did not play a very big role in every day life, and was able to be “brushed under the carpet.” However, the women in their study noted that when they looked at the big picture, the issue of age did come up periodically and they were unable to forget it completely. In the present study, this was found to be true for the women and the men. There were several important issues identified by the couples in this study. Women had more doubts about entering into a women-older relationship because of concerns that she will age sooner. Some women also identified that intimacy was affected by the age difference and reported that attractiveness was the biggest issue. These findings support Seskin and Ziegler’s earlier study (1979) that found the issues that came up for women included her aging sooner and intimacy, particularly attractiveness. When asked if the age difference was an issue around work, power, money, or interests it was more frequently reported to be an issue for the couple in terms of their different developmental stages. Half the couples reported differences in interests (e.g., music and television), which supports the findings by Brings and Winter (2000). Interestingly, money was not reported by any of the couples as an issue, despite previous research that reported the most common source of conflict in this type of marriage was her making more money (Seskin & Ziegler, 1979). In fact, many men in this study reported that her making more money was an advantage rather than a problem. It might be important to note that the previous research was conducted in 1979 and the current findings might suggest that times have changed. One area that has not been mentioned in previous research, but was identified by half of the participants, related to issues of fertility and/or her not wanting to have more children. Several couples noted that by marrying at the end of the woman’s fertile years their “biological clock” had run out or was about to run out. Due to the nature of this type of marriage, it seems obvious that this would be a major concern and certainly one that should be looked into in further research. All of the couples in this study offered advice for those couples that may be entering into this type of marriage. The couples acknowledged that a social stigma still exists around this type of marriage. The overwhelming content of the advice centered on being realistic about the age difference, and recommended that you confront and deal with it directly. Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 61 There is no information in the literature that has looked at the differences between the wives’ and husbands’ experience and perceptions of being in this type of marriage. This small exploratory study identified several things that differed between men and women and suggests that overall, men and women may view their relationship and the issues raised within it somewhat differently. An important finding from this study is that both men and women are affected by this type of marital arrangement, despite the focus in the literature on just the women in these types of relationships. This study found that many men see her having life experience, maturity, and an established career as an advantage, which differs from the traditional thinking that the man is supposed to be the one who is more established and making more money. In fact, the men in this study reported that they were attracted to her because of the age difference. On the other hand, while it is more acceptable for him to go against traditional roles, it is less acceptable for women. This study showed that women still continue to have more doubts, and the age difference is seen as a bigger issue for her. Overall, these findings make it apparent that the social stigmas surrounding these woman-older marriages are still alive and well. However, the couples in these relationships don’t seem to be as bothered by the age difference as the rest of society is. Society places a lot of emphasis on appearance, and the women in this sample seemed the most concerned about aging and looking older. On the other hand, men did not appear to be as worried about this. The men in this study go against the traditional roles of men, but definitely viewed that as a benefit rather than a drawback to the relationship. Implications Despite the fact that this was a small exploratory study, the findings provide some implications for professionals working with individuals and couples (e.g., counseling). Many issues were raised and important advice given in this study. On a more negative side, it is essential to be aware of the social stigma that still exists around this type of marriage and to note that she will carry the greater burden of going against social conventions. Clearly, some couples experienced family disapproval and therefore it is extremely important to have clear boundaries around their relationship. Due to the nature of this type of marriage where she is typically in her late thirties or early forties, both pregnancy and parenting issues need to be addressed. Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 62 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY On a more positive note, these findings suggest that a single woman should recognize that there are men interested in a relationship with an older woman and they are not intimidated by the age difference. In addition, most couples in this type of relationship reported that it does not have to affect intimacy in any way. Finally, it’s important to realize that all relationships have their problems and it is essential not to jump to the conclusion that the age difference is the reason for problems in the marriage. In terms of further research, it would be important to consider interviewing couples together as well as separately, and have all interviews face-to-face. This could provide the researcher with a more complete picture of the relationship and the issues faced. It may be beneficial for future researchers to interview only couples that have no children from previous relationships due to the fact that blended families/adding children into the mix may produce added confounding variables. It would also be important for future research to compare man-older with womanolder marriages in order to determine if the issues being raised in the relationship are specific to age or to gender roles. In addition, the results of this study made it clear that there are a number of areas that could be further explored, such as pregnancy and parenting issues (such as having to have children sooner because of the “biological clock,” not being able to have children, or not wanting anymore children), power struggles between the couple, and focusing more closely on the men in these relationships. Limitations One limitation of this study is that all interviews were conducted by a female. This may have affected the way in which male and female participants responded to the researcher. The participants were also mostly Caucasian (with the exception of one); issues raised by couples of different races/ethnicities may be dissimilar. The sample, overall, was highly educated and this may have skewed the results. A more diverse level of education for the sample may have brought forth other issues. The variety in length of marriage and wide range of age differences in this sample may also be a further limitation. Sample groups that were more homogamous in these areas may have yielded different results. Many of the results focused on the negative impact that the womanolder relationship has on the wife. This may be due to a bias in the questions in terms of more focus on her being older rather than on him being younger. This may explain why the responses tended to have a more Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Proulx, Caron, and Logue 63 one-sided focus on how this type of marriage affects her. For example, this can be seen in the wording of question 28 which asked if there are work/career issues; the prompt given is that she may have a more prestigious career and that she may be more established. Finally, it is interesting to note that all but one of the couples interviewed for this study appeared to be similar in age and therefore no one would ever guess that there was such a difference. This might explain why so many of the couples did not see their relationship as a big challenge unless they told others about their age difference. Perhaps by interviewing couples who are not only significantly different in age, but who also appear to be significantly different in age, may yield very different results. Despite these limitations, this research has opened the door to an area that is little explored and in need of further research. Clearly, society has changed in such a way that has made this type of relationship less of an anomaly. As the 2003 AARP study found, 20% of women aged 40 to 69 are dating younger men (Montenegro, 2003). This is clearly an area that is untapped for research. REFERENCES Atkinson, M. P., Glass, B. L. (1985). Marital age heterogamy and homogamy: 1900 to 1980. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47, 685-691. Brings, F., Winter, S. (2000). Older women, younger men. Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press. Bytheway, W. R. (1981). The variation with age of age differences in marriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 43, 923-927. Gibson, V. (2002). Cougar: A guide for older women dating younger men. Westport, CT: Firefly Books. Highbridge, D. (1999). A much younger man. New York, NY: Soho Press. Houston, V. (1987). Loving a younger man. New York: Contemporary Books, Inc. Kerckhoff, A. C., Davis, K. E. (1962). Value consensus and need complimentarity in mate selection. American Sociological Review, 27, 295-303. Knox, D., Britton, T., Crisp, B. (1997). Age discrepant relationships reported by university faculty and their students. College Student Journal, 31, 290-292. Knox, D., Zusman, M., Nieves, W. (1997). College students’ homogamous preferences for a date and mate. College Student Journal, 31, 445-448. Miles, M., Huberman, A. (1984). Qualitative data analysis: A sourcebook of new methods. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications. Montenegro, X. P. (2003). Lifestyles, dating and romance: A study of midlife singles. AARP: The Magazine, 1-16. Picket, L. S. (2003). In praise of younger men. O: The Oprah Magazine, 83-88. 64 JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY Downloaded By: [EBSCOHost EJS Content Distribution - Superceded by 916427733] At: 13:59 23 May 2010 Seskin, J., Ziegler, B. (1979). Older women/younger men. Garden City, New York: Anchor Press/Doubleday. Shehan, C. L., Berardo, F. M., Vera, H., Carley, S. M. (1991). Women in age-discrepant marriages. Journal of Family Issues, 12, 291-305. Vera, H., Berardo, D. H., Berardo, F. M. (1985). Age heterogamy in marriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47, 553-566. RECEIVED: 10/11/05 ACCEPTED: 12/20/05 doi:10.1300/J398v05n04_03