Kitten Huffing
Kitten huffing is a controversial practice that has recently been growing as a popular alternative to street drugs. Despite a long history in Western culture, the practice remains largely taboo. Excessive huffing has been known to produce undesirable side effects, and kitten-related human fatalities. Even unapologetically frequent huffers caution against using more than two or three kittens per day.
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Effects
The euphoria produced by kitten huffing has been subject to much speculation throughout history. Longinus believed that the high of kitten huffing was the direct result of absorbing the kitten's soul and that, consequently, the huffing of a larger animal would have a commensurately larger effect. This, of course, is an absurd plausible dubious proposition. Others claimed that the kitten's fleeting post-mortem gases produce the euphoric effects. The great physician Paracelsus was known to recommend kitten huffing as a cure for influenza, the gout, syphilis, homosexuality, aids and most of all, boredom. In his Archidoxis Kittenhuffae, he states that "Verily, the greateſt of the medicines is the kitten that be huffethed thru the mouth or nose, as it cureth gout, leproſy, and varied maladies. Of those I have attempted to conſume, the orange ones fucketh one up the beſt." Paracelsus believed that the effects of kitten huffing are caused by the human microcosm absorbing the feline microcosm; it should be noted that the Archidoxis Kittenhuffae was written under the influence of the aforesaid "orange ones". Ultimately, the key to kitten huffing's effect lies deep within the brain stem and is still not clearly understood by scientists.
Recent evidence, however, suggests that a protective layer or "soul husk" surrounding the actual soul is the part of the kitten absorbed into the bloodstream that inspires euphoria. This would explain how the soul remains intact, and why kittens become "huffable" again within a matter of months, as the soul husk is regenerated. Unfortunately however, these new findings have been largely ignored by the huffing community, the members of which still believe kittens to be permanently depleted, causing many to "dispose" of used kittens or kill them.
Many kitten huffers experience an intense craving for rice pudding. These cravings are known as the "ricies" and are caused by habitual kitten huffing as well as disfarbulating under the influence of kittens. Police have started to crack down on suspected kitten addicts by limiting rice pudding purchases. Any American citizen who has more than five pounds of pudding in one day without a license can be arrested on suspicion of a kitten huffing addiction. Similarly in Britain, if rice pudding is seen in or around the mouth of any person, he is punched with moderate force in the eye and obliged to say 'God Save the Queen' to the attending officer. Possessing ten pounds of rice pudding is enough to put you behind bars, because it is admissible in court as definitive proof of a kitten huffing addiction. Because of the value of this pudding among kitten huffers, the Mafia has even gotten into the rice pudding business. In Little Italy, there is a kind of store called "Rice to Riches" that only serves rice pudding. Almost all crime experts believe such businesses specifically cater to kitten huffers.
Careless kitten huffers have reported that if the feline essence is held in the oral cavity without being passed to the lungs, it can cause temporary numbing of the tongue. This numbing is believed to be the basis for the phrase, "Cat got your tongue?" and is commonly used by those exerting peer pressure to determine whether a huffer is actually huffing or simply holding a kitten's soul in his or her mouth.
Although there is little research done on huffing kittens sprinkled with cracked corn, the only study done so far has shown that due to the volatility of the resulting chemical mixture, huffing these kittens may cause speed-typing addictions and/or head explosion.
Long term effects
The Following is a list of effects from huffing addiction:
- Coughing up hairballs
- Hallucinations of the kittens you've huffed
- Unintentional meowing
- A fear of Dogs
- A strange hunger for mice, or, as mentioned, rice pudding
- A fascination with dangling pieces of string and/or tinsel
- A fear of water
- Only being able to drink liquids from a saucer
History
The first documented case of kitten huffing is from Artemus of Capadocia in 432BC, who described "ae wydenyng of ye soule wyth yon huffe" upon sucking out the soul of a young wild lynx kitten from the plains of central Asia Minor. Kitten huffing achieved only a minor level of interest outside of the Asian sub-continent (though kitten huffing was declared a mortal sin within the Roman Catholic Church by Papal edict in Pius V's landmark Novarum Felinium of 1649AD) until famed Englishman, This Guy, wrote his treatise Me and the Marquis Get Down With Some Crazy Shit on an extended huff-binge he took with the Marquis de Sade and brought the practice to the forefront of haute couture.
Historically, kittens were farmed on the plains of central Asia. Selective breeding for increased potency led to the emergence of the first ginger ones around 800 AD. When Christopher Columbus discovered a viable trade route from Spain to China the Americas in 1492AD, he brought back fresh kitten breeding stock, which led to the advent of local, European kitten breeding. Western breeding programs lagged behind Eastern ones until the early twentieth century, when modern science and technology allowed for precise refinement of the breeding process. While many connoisseurs still claim that only imported Asian kittens are worth huffing for their specialized qualities, American and European techniques have advanced sufficiently that most casual huffers should notice no difference in huffing properties.
The War on Kitten Huffing
There was tacit tolerance, if not acceptance, of kitten huffing up until the late 19th century, when the emerging temperance movement first spoke out against the habit. The practice of kitten huffing was outlawed during Prohibition as part of the Mewling Reforms, though, as with alcohol, the market for kitten huffers continued to thrive underground. With the repeal of Prohibition, the anti-huffing laws were also removed but the negative social stigma remained.
In the 1950s, a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Children's Hour (Surviving fragment: Uncle Bertie's message to the children).
P.S.A.s such as Bertrand's continued into the mid 70s but eventually fell out of favor for being totally square. More recently, a number of support groups have developed to help those individuals with huffing problems, the largest of which is Kitten Huffers Anonymous, which seeks to replace a love of pussy cats with a love of God.
Nancy Reagan's 1980 "Hugs not Huff" campaign against Kitten Huffing was successful until about 1982 when people realized that huffing kittens was much better than hugs.
Today, the battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican (which never did like pussy) and the Institute for a New American Veterinary. The famous National Socialist for Paedophilia's Lewis Black of the Anti Kitten Huffing Movement has campaigned tiresomely for awareness of the dangers of Kitten Huffing, however controversy surrounds the motives of his movement. There is rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in artificially raising demand.
Acquiring
The worst part of novice huffing is finding pure kitten. We all know the story, some guy in a club offers you a little bag of kittens, they all have smiley faces on them and he promises you a good time. You get home and check out your "kittens" only to find you have been given a selection of sundry other animals stuck together and painted to resemble kittens! Cunning dealers often use puppys in kitten suits, ocelots or other low-grade feline products; do not accept alternatives!
If one is unable to secure a pair of adult cats to breed, it is possible to grow kittens indoors by purchasing a wild kitten plant over the Internet.[dubious fuck that] The plant is illegal to possess, but the spores can be sold for research purposes. Kitten plants produce approximately ten kittens per month; therefore, five or six suffice to support a moderate kitten habit. Growers should note that kittens are the method through which the plant reproduces, and therefore those growing on wild plants will contain seeds. The seeds produce intense, salvia-like highs that are generally considered undesirable; therefore, amateurs are advised to purchase only plants which will yield seedless kittens.
If you are unable to grow your own, kittens can be purchased in five pound bags or from a kitten dealer. You should take care that your dealer is trustworthy; you don't want to find out that you've been huffing kittens that have been stored with other animals. Alternatively, you can use the classified ads of a local newspaper to find people who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon, giving away premium kittens so they don't have to look after them.
Desperate addicts often resort to trying to get kittens from 'Animal Care Centers' or from the local pound (known as "Cat-stops" on the streets). Many huffers claim the quality of these kittens is not as good. It's also possible to get sick when huffing stray homeless kittens due to various diseases they have picked up from the street. Recently, employees of some cat-stops have showed vigilance against huffers "wanting a free buzz at the expense of a defenseless little creature" and have denied many legitimate huffers access to kitten stocks. A huffer normally has no problems if its the first time they have gotten a kitten from any given cat-stop, but can never expect to get a regular supply.
A quick and easy method for testing for real kittens is to drop them in water, fake kittens will remain visible while real kittens become hard to see as their refractive index is similar to that of water. This is the same test that can be used on diamonds and has led to the theory that high quality kittens may be formed in a similar way, taking thousands of years of heat and pressure under the surface of the Earth. Isn't nature marvelous!
You can also test kittens for quality by employing the "spin test": swinging them by their tails in crowded rooms as the saying goes: "There isn't room to swing a cat in here." If you can swing your "kitten" in a stable loop it is clearly fake. If, on the other hand, the kitten spins irregularly, then it is the real deal.
Kittenhuffism
Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing. However, a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally, as only true addicts end up this way.
As a side note, KittenHoffism is growing in popularity. Members are recognizable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel, and the large amount of money they give to David Hasselhoff. Notable celebrity members are Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears and Roseanne, among others. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. There is even KittenHoffism Water for sale which has been blessed by The Hoff himself.
Types of Huffs
Although the ordinary, striped, fuzzy, American Shorthair domestic kitten (known as the generic kitten) is by-far the most popular, and is valued because of availability and reputation, non-typical cat breeds are still somewhat popular within the huffing world due to their distinct properties. Of course, all breeds have different effects. Below is a list of the most popular non-generic huffs and their properties. Below that is a list of the best generic huffs.
Here is the list (in no particular order):
- Russian Blues: One of the most popular non-generic kittens on the market, the Russian Blue is popular for its cheapness, availability, and prized, mellow, sweet, silky flavor. Noted as being a similar experience in huff to smoking on a beach, watching a blue moon, and lazy mist floating near the water on a hot summers night in Hawaii... You get the picture. It is very popular among beginning huffers due to the non intensity of it's high. It opens nasal passages and clears to mind, so it is sometimes used to treat migraines and nasal congestion.
- American Wirehair: Extremely similar to the domestic (American Shorthair) cat, but noted for its tendency to build up euphoria to a climax, which is generally more preferable to a huffer, thus resulting in their higher price than a generic cat. In all other ways, American Wirehairs are virtually identical to American Shorthairs.
- Bombay: Although nothing spectacular, the Bombay cat strikes a good balance between quality of the resulting high, overtone subtlety, and price. They are noted for their dark, rich, almost charry, yet strangely sweet flavor, the intense sensations of spinning they cause (which though pleasurable to some have been known to cause a few headaches and occasional nausea). Somewhat consequently, they are frequently huffed at weddings and rights of passage, especially by new in-laws.
- British Shorthair: The British Shorthair is only somewhat popular in England, where they were huffed and prized for their bulky, hearty huff, one of the longest lasting of the common huffs. The British Shorthair is a good huff and fairly inexpensive, so it is unknown why it never really caught on outside the British Isles.
- Japanese Bobtail: Somewhat popular in East-Asia, especially Japan, the Japanese Bobtail is short, sweet, and surprisingly affordable. One fluffhead described the sensation of a Bobtail huff as similar to being dropped head first into cold water, then being hit with wave after wave of euphoria. This is probably why it is most popular in low-middle to middle class areas of urban Japan. It is also somewhat popular at New Years festivals in China. The Japanese Bobtail was also given as a gift from Japan to China, starting the formerly mentioned tradition and likely pre-empting the Opium War.
- Sphynx: One of only a handful of cats belong to a family of hallucinogenic huffs, it is by far the cheapest and most popular of its kind. Its huff generates a fairly powerful eighty-minute to five hour hallucinogenic wave, during which elaborate dream-like sequences are fairly common, though mild long-term effects lasting anywhere from forty-eight hours to several weeks have been documented. Because the Sphynx is hairless, there is no danger of accidental hair consumption. This breed of cat creates a much smaller high than other huffs, though it is reputed to often act as a mild upper. It is said that ancient Egyptian priest class would huff these cats when trying to communicate with the gods. If there is a God, however, they failed miserably, only bringing themselves closer to Satan and...uh, whoops. Got a little off topic there. Ah, well, point made. A good huff if you like to see Santa floating in your room.
- Maine Coon: In fact not a joke about race (a rarity among our editing staff), the Maine Coon is a hearty, rich huff that is often paired with heavy deserts and meats in some of the cooler climates. For those who have experienced the common breeds of kitten and are looking to try something stronger and heavier, we can recommend trying a small Maine Coon as the first part of broader exploration of the world of kitten huffing.
- Tuxedo: Tuxedo Cats provide a rather smoky taste and a strong huff. Tuxedo Cats are very inexpensive and last for hours, so it is recommended as a starter huff.
Top Huffs
Here are the top huffs the world has to offer:
Lions
The most dangerous feline to huff, attempting to huff a lion poses a greater than 95% chance of permanent debilitation or death.[1] The effects of the best high ever involve pure, unadulterated dopamine leaking from your ears, an instant boner (even if you are a woman), green-colored bloodshot eyes, and an addiction 25 million times more severe than heroin.[2] For those seeking the world's greatest high, there is nowhere else to look, but the many obvious hazards associated deter all but the least sane of people.
Because lion cubs are considerably safer – both to handle and to huff – than their adult counterparts, huffing a lion cub remains the dream of many virtuoso huffers. Due to the difficulties involved, however, it's unclear whether huffing a lion cub has ever taken place outside of urban legend.
The Cheetah Huff
The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at 100 kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even halfway there, while listening to the Steve Miller Band at four times the normal speed backwards, while traveling into a black hole. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff. The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing. Legend says that when Chuck Norris was a baby his mother had him huff a Cheetah kitten once a day, giving him superhuman strength.
Tiny Orange Kittens
As mentioned nearly a billion times before, the fabled orange ones are, short of anything truly extreme, the best you can get. For safety's sake, always have your orange kittens examined by an expert. You don't want to be huffing a rat covered in orange paint.
Note: You may be huffing a Non-Huffable Kitten, which will result in a scratched face and a reverse huff. You know, the one where the cat huffs you. This is possible since the Non-Huffable Kitten is also an orange cat.
Bengal Kittens
Very similar to both generic huffing and big cat huffing, the Bengal cat is considered an ideal cat to huff, of a possibly higher caliber than the famed orange kittens. Their wild after-taste, similar to but much less potent than that of a real big cat, suggests they were breed from both big cats and orange kittens to produce a perfect huff. Their primary downside, and the undisputed reason why they are not far more popular, is their outrageous price, which is often several times that of an ordinary orange kitten. Only very wealthy huffers can consume Bengals on anything like a regular basis, a fact which has made them into status symbols akin to Cuban cigars in the huffing world.
The Hoff Huff
Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers, but it is said to add a new, musty, not necessarily pleasant dimension to the huffing experience. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism; this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff. See Kittenhuffism below for more details.
Huffing Techniques
Listed here are the most common huffing techniques.
The Felioca Approach
This approach is generally regarded as the safest for both humans and kittens. A felioca, sometimes called a kitten bong, is a device which looks something like an ordinary bong, but larger, with a filtered port to let air in lest the kitten suffocate, a larger, 2-way filtered port for the actual huffing, an opening to let the kitten in and out while not in use, and a larger, spherical shape that allows the kitten to be comfortable during the huff. The only reason for its lack of popularity is the high price of feliocas, as well as the need to purchase life filters, which ensure the soul remains in the felioca, but allows the kitten to breath, and a two-way huffing filter, so no dandruff escapes during and after the huff. Despite these disadvantages, the felioca is still considered the all-around best (normal) means of huffing for serious huffers and those with cat allergies.
- Obtain a felioca and filters.
- Assemble, if required, making sure to test the filters.
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
- Open your felioca.
- Insert one (1) kitten.
- Close your felioca.
- Begin quickly and evenly inhaling through the large port.
- Hold your breath for 3-6 seconds.
- Exhale the huffed soul back into the felioca. Failure to exhale into the felioca may kill the kitten, since the kitten is dependent on its soul.
- Open the felioca up.
- Pull the bugger out.
The Cupped Hands Approach
The 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensberry as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing, has come to be the dominant huffing technique in Europe and the Americas. Other techniques are generally avoided by all but expert huffers and even experts tend to avoid techniques involving rolled up dollar bills, as the kittens tend to clog. Kittens that have already been huffed are referred to as "Depleted". Long-term storage or disposal of depleted kittens has posed a problem for some urban areas. Contrary to popular belief, however, depleted kittens are not permanently depleted, as the actual soul regenerates the protective layer which actually inspires euphoria every year, although the actual rate of regeneration varies from breed to bread (sourdough appears to be the most forgiving).
- Catch a live kitten.
- Cup hands around kitten's head leaving a small hole for you to put your mouth around.
- Inhale strongly until you have sucked the soul from the kitten.
- Ride the snake. Don't fight it. You feel'n that shit yet? Yeeeeaah.
- Either remove the kitten, keeping it as a pet until it grows a new huffable protective coating, or sell it.
The Plastic Tube Approach
While less common than the Cupped Hands approach, the Plastic Tube approach is much quicker, although less satisfying.
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten
- Find a plastic tube or similarly shaped object
- Place plastic tube at rear of kitten
- Inhale through tube
- Call Poison Control
The Traffic Cone Approach
This approach is very popular at outdoor music festivals. Common among group huffers.
- Obtain a plain, orange traffic cone.
- Place the kitten under the cone
- Inhale through top.
- Wash your face.
The Huffing Bowl Approach
Like the Plastic Tube approach, the Huffing Bowl approach has the last steps similar to the Cupped Hands approach. This is the oldest of Huffing Techniques, dating from circa 1126 by King Henry II.
The first three steps are as follows:
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
- Obtain a huffing bowl (for only £9.99 from your local newsagents) and give it a rinse.
- Place kitten in bowl.
The fourth step has become lost in the sands of time, yet various esoteric sources say a method similar to the Cupped Hands approach used on the tail or nearby, although this is to be seriously doubted.
Tummy Huff
The Tummy Huff is often rare to receive the unique feeling of being in a "deep-high pitched trance" according to the famous pop artist, Andy Warhol.
To perform this huffing technique:
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten NOTE: DO NOT ATTEMPT WITH A MATURE CAT!
- Turn the kitten upside down on its back and its hind legs should spread open
- Place you face in between the hind legs, form your lips into a "buzzing" embouchure and blow, as if you were playing a B-Flat on a tuba
If this is done properly, your kitten should emit a glow, frequently changing color. The glow will soon grow larger, and upon entering the glow you will feel the "deep-high pitched trance" that Andy Warhol described. This is described by some people as being similar to going down an endless 90 degree hill on a roller coaster. WARNING: USE THIS HUFFING TECHNIQUE AT YOUR OWN RISK AS OVERDOSING MAY CAUSE YOUR HEAD TO ASPLODE.
Group Huffing
In the early nineties kitten huffers began organizing parties in which ten to fifteen people would huff the same cat simultaneously. The users feel sense euphoric trance, the users will see various colors around the room.
To preform this technique:
- Obtain a live, overweight cat no older than ten years old or one orange cat.
- Put kitten in a large pot with 1.5-2 inch openings (1 for each person). This is commonly known as a huffiliary.
- Close lid
- Huff strongly through openings
- Note: Cats that are group huffed can only be used once
Hover Huffing
This new and dangerously disorienting variation on huffing was devised by Oscar Wilde shortly after his invention of the anti-gravity Cat-Toast Device (see Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats). The huffer glues a piece of buttered toast to the back of the kitten making it hover due to competing falling cat – Murphy's law of buttered toast forces. The kitten is then huffed – toast and all, making the huffer hover and rotate, and adding a whole new dimension to the huff. This comes with a dire warning though; every huffer who has attempted this with orange kittens has met a horrific death as they spin out of control, eventually blacking out, due to the G-forces induced.
Inflation Huffing
This recently discovered method of huffing was discovered by Ivan the Terrible in the year of 2084 AD. The method generally involves taking a bicycle pump, sticking it into a kitten, and then pumping and breathing in front of the kitten's face. Eventually, the kitten will become so full of air that the soul blasts out of its body violently, causing a raw and devastating high that leaves all who experience it never the same.
Beer Bong Huffing
Beer Bong huffing will make the user extremely disoriented. Invented in Frat houses during the late 1960's, Beer Bong huffing is one of the most dangerous forms of common huffing.
Directions:
- Obtain a fresh live kitten.
- Put the kitten at the top the beer bong device.
- Begin huffing very quickly for no longer than twenty seconds at a time.
Preparation
Some people prepare their kitten for a more enjoyable huff with the following methods...
Condiments
Many people sprinkle condiments on their kittens prior to huffing in order to create a different flavor or texture. Some common condiments used are wasabi, crushed cookie, maple syrup, chocolate syrup, chocolate laxatives, ABC Gum, sprinkles (jimmies), and cracked corn. Oftentimes Jimmies are used with cracked corn, which is where smart people say the song Jimmy Cracked Corn came from. Of course because these people are smart, we can disregard anything and everything they say as false.
Yelling at the kitten
Effective but not always practical, but if done correctly it will release a crazy amount of endorphins when huffed.
Stretching
Must be done properly or else it ruins the specimen. When done correctly it provides a longer, fuller huffing experience.
Kitten Storage
Kittens should be kept as fresh as possible before huffing, however refrigeration is not recommended as this solidifies the kitten making it much harder to huff and slowing down the whole experience. Professionals keep their kittens in a special kitten storage device called a kitty litter. This is basically a climate controlled set of drawers, a bit like a humidor where rich people keep fat cigarettes called cigars. Portable versions have hit the market recently, allowing the man about town to take his supply of kittens with him for that sneaky huff between important meetings.
Remember that kittens must be fed and watered regularly to keep them at their best. You can also enjoy kittens before huffing them, they are fun to cuddle and play with. Personal favorites are dangling a bit of string in front of them and training them to form pyramids.
References
- ↑ Though because most of the lunatics who attempt to huff lions end up being mauled before they make any meaningful progress, it's unclear what proportion survive huffing a lion that has been properly restrained.
- ↑ R. U., Hau Hiygh and J. Doper: Panthera leo: the world's most dangerous drug. Nicholson-Richards University. April 2007.
See also
- Catsturbating
- Cat Juggling
- Depleted Kitten (Also includes more huffing techniques)
- God, kittens, masturbation, killing, and you
- Huffing
- Huffington Post
- Huff Dens
- Schomaker's cat
- UnBooks:Professional Kitten Huffing
- UnNews:President Bush vetoes kitten-huffing bill
External links
- New Allergy-Free Kittens for Huffing
- Kittens Huffing
- Cat huffing Russian-style
- The Huffing Bowl Approach is particularly frowned upon by the masses.
- An example of a Kitten Huffing bong
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