Deep-fried Mars Bar
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Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it. |
Deep-Fried Mars Bars aka The Last Supper, is a health food product invented by the Scots, in imitation of a delicacy brought from the planet Mars by invading invaders. Today this culinary delicacy has replaced haggis as Scotland's favourite national dish.
These Martian invaders had become infamous by being accidentally profiled in a documentary by Monty Python in which large white puddings, blancmanges, came from outer space and conquered Great Britain. Unfortunately, these alien desserts discovered that nobody noticed the difference in Great Britain, since nobody really wanted it anyway, so they left for Venus where the weather was warmer and drier and there was a 24/7 radio station playing Frankie Avalon.
Rumours have been circulating through-out the many towns, villages and slums that comprise Scotland, that the delicacy will be put forward as the National Commonwealth Food, when the Commonwealth Games come to Glasgae in 2014. However the government's proposed advertising plan of action (which involves systematically shoving deep fried mars bars down each arriving visitors throat) has not gone down well with the FSA, or Alex Salmond to that matter, who had been wanting to consume the entire nation's stockpile himself. The deep-fried Mars Bar is often known as the chosen food for dieting/health shows such as the Biggest Loser. Richard Pindickman previous Biggest Loser-Loser has said that this innovative food has aided him in his quest of dying from heart failure.
The addicted Scots then started importing peat from Ireland, a fair trade since the Irish had stolen Saint Patrick from the Scots in the first place. They cut this organic delicacy (the peat, not Saint Patrick) into small oblongs before battering it (a process that covers the peat with a liquid mixture of flour and vomit) and deep frying it, the ancient and traditional way of preparing all food in Scotland.
American food manufacturers caught wind of the trend and committed the ultimate American compliment of imitation, but used chocolate, sugar, almonds and nougat, a sticky substance derived from processed Lemurs. The Scots have been known to use this American imitation for deep frying, believing that American tourists won't notice the difference between peat and goat sweat in their deep-fried state (the bars, not the Americans).
They were right.
To cook this dish to perfection requires the greatest skill. Unless the Mars Bar is chilled before battering and cooking, the likelihood is that it will melt inside the fryer and fuck up everyone else's dinner (it's a well known fact that fish and chip shops NEVER clean the cooking equipment).
After eating a deep-fried Mars Bar, the consumer will experience several physical and mental stages.
- Morbid Fascination: The mere appearance and smell of this chocolatey, fat-laden bar has been known to lure many people into its greasy charms since its inception.
- Addiction: The eater will start shoving it into his/her mouth involuntarily. Many people report that Deep-Fried Mars Bars are more addictive than heroin, but are 20 times less satisfying.
- Palpitations: The sugar and grease start their evil work on the body, tripling the heart rate and in effect taking off one year of the consumer's life for every mouthful.
- Sugar related coma: The consumer will pass out within yards from the chippie where the bar was purchased. Alone and unconscious, he is now fair game to the Scottish women (Harpies) that stagger down the street fuelled by alcopops.
- Ultamate Death from artieosclerosis: If consumed more than 4 times, the American's (I say American, because only Americans are dumb and fat enough to eat them more than 4 times) veins, arteries, and capillaries are all jammed with fat and lameness, then suffer from a Pulmonary Embolism, and die.