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Seinfeld Best Episodes

Dave Nemetz

Dave Nemetz

West Coast Bureau Chief

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July 4, 2019 6:59 am

Seinfeld Best Episodes — Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television (4)

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Three decades ago, TV shows were about something… and then a little show about nothing changed everything.

On July 5, 1989, Seinfeld made an unremarkable debut on NBC and puttered along for a few low-rated seasons — it would’ve been cancelled five times over by today’s NBC, of course — before blossoming into a true cultural phenomenon. Now, 30 years later, the misadventures of Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer stand as one of the greatest and most popular comedies in TV history, with a refreshingly low-stakes look at life’s little quirks and annoyances — and an avalanche of catchphrases we’re still quoting today. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

To celebrate 30 years of Seinfeld, we’re rolling up the sleeves of our puffy shirts and ranking the 30 best episodes across all nine seasons…

seinfeld-the-abstinence

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

30. “The Abstinence” (Season 8, Episode 9)

This is an admittedly minor entry in the Seinfeld canon, but it comes with a fantastic conceit: While abstaining from sex, George suddenly becomes a genius because all the brainpower he devotes to sex is now freed up, and conversely, Elaine becomes an idiot while her boyfriend is abstaining. (Her delighted giggle watching a pair of rotating tires is just darling.) Plus, we get Kramer’s classic cry when he sees the toll that smoking cigars has taken on his face: “Look away, I’m hideous!”
seinfeld-the-barber

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

29. “The Barber” (Season 5, Episode 8)

Here, Seinfeld turns a highly relatable dilemma — Jerry wants to dump his old, incompetent barber for a younger one — into an operatic tragedy, with Jerry’s betrayal sparking intense passion and jealousy in his old barber Enzo. Not only that, but we also get George showing up for a job he wasn’t expressly hired for (the Pensky file!) and Kramer stumbling off the runway during an ill-fated bachelor auction.
seinfeld-the-comeback

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

28. “The Comeback” (Season 8, Episode 13)

Also known as “the Jerk Store episode,” in which George only thinks of the perfect witty reply to an office rival’s insult hours later: “Well, the jerk store called, they’re running out of you!” (Don’t ask what a “jerk store” is, exactly. You’ll only make him madder.) Also enjoyable: Elaine embarks on a passionate liaison with a video store clerk based on his romantic “employee picks” film selections… only to learn that he’s a pimple-faced teen.
seinfeld-the-fusilli-jerry

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

27. “The Fusilli Jerry” (Season 6, Episode 20)

This is, of course, “the Assman episode,” where Kramer’s new “ASSMAN” license plate earns him plenty of attention, including from George’s mom Estelle, who is single again… to George’s horror. (“You’re not ‘out there’! You can’t be, because I’m out there!”) Jerry’s feud with Puddy over a stolen sex move is quality stuff, too, and the subplots dovetail beautifully — and painfully — when an incensed Frank lands on Kramer’s dried-pasta statue of Jerry… um, the wrong way.
seinfeld-the-junior-mint

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

26. “The Junior Mint” (Season 4, Episode 20)

Kramer’s errant Junior Mint plopping into Elaine’s ex-boyfriend mid-surgery is an unforgettable sight gag, of course, and George plotting to buy the patient’s artwork, thinking that it’ll skyrocket if he dies, is classic Costanza. But even better is Jerry dating a girl and not remembering her name, knowing only that it rhymes with a part of the female anatomy. The gang’s desperate guesses — “Mulva?” — still make us giggle.
seinfeld-the-stall

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

25. “The Stall” (Season 5, Episode 12)

Jerry had a revolving door of girlfriends throughout the series, but Jami Gertz was one of the most memorable as Jane, the phone sex operator who couldn’t “spare a square” for Elaine in the next bathroom stall. Plus, George gets one of the first-ever documented “man crushes” on Elaine’s jock boyfriend Tony, played by MTV Sports host Dan Cortese.
seinfeld-the-library

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

24. “The Library” (Season 3, Episode 5)

This early standout blesses us with one of the greatest guest spots in Seinfeld history: veteran character actor Philip Baker Hall as gruff library investigator Lt. Bookman, who relentlessly grills Jerry about a missing library book like it’s an unsolved murder. We also get flashbacks to George’s traumatic high school days, when he was dubbed “Can’t stand ya” by his gym teacher and subjected to the dreaded atomic wedgie.
seinfeld-the-chicken-roaster

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

23. “The Chicken Roaster” (Season 8, Episode 8)

The arrival of a Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant, and its huge neon chicken sign, delivers some prime Michael Richards physical comedy, as Kramer just about loses his mind when the neon chicken floods his apartment with blinding red light day and night. (“My rods and cones are all screwed up!”) When Jerry swaps apartments with him, he swaps personalities with him, too; his transformation into a wide-eyed, Kramer-esque maniac is some of Jerry Seinfeld’s funniest work of the entire series. Bonus points for J. Peterman’s Kurtz-in-Apocalypse Now act and the sheer hilarity of Newman spitting out a nutritious bite of broccoli. (“Vile weed!”)
seinfeld-the-cadillac

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

22. “The Cadillac” (Season 7, Episodes 14 and 15)

In typical Seinfeld fashion, a selfless gesture leads to disaster in this two-part episode, as Jerry’s generous gift of a new Cadillac to his dad Morty sets off a firestorm of scandal in his parents’ senior living community. The political intrigue that surrounds Del Boca Vista is fascinatingly petty — Morty eventually gets taken down like Nixon — and back in New York, George tries to romance guest star Marisa Tomei… for real this time.
seinfeld-the-puffy-shirt

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

21. “The Puffy Shirt” (Season 5, Episode 2)

The sight of a humiliated Jerry wearing a ridiculously ruffled, Jack Sparrow-esque shirt on the Today show is hilarious enough on its own to earn a spot on this list, along with Jerry’s sad plea: “But I don’t want to look like a pirate!” But we also love George’s all-too-brief stint as a hand model, protecting his valuable assets in oven mitts, in hopes of escaping the indignity of moving back in with his ever-bickering parents Frank and Estelle.
seinfeld-the-face-painter

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

20. “The Face Painter” (Season 6, Episode 22)

Patrick Warburton is a stealth MVP of Seinfeld‘s later years as Elaine’s thickheaded beau David Puddy, and he hits new heights here, humiliating Elaine by painting his face for a New Jersey Devils hockey game. (“Gotta support the team.”) We also get Jerry and Elaine callously discussing their wardrobe complaints during a funeral service, and an ugly banana-throwing incident between Kramer and a chimpanzee at the zoo. (“He started it!” Kramer insists.)
seinfeld-the-wallet

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

19. “The Wallet/The Watch” (Season 4, Episodes 6 and 7)

These episodes aired in consecutive weeks, but they’re considered a two-parter, so we’re pairing them together here. Jerry’s dad Morty is in rare form, visiting New York for a doctor’s appointment and loudly accusing them of stealing his wallet (“My wallet’s gone! My wallet’s gone!”), while Jerry is forced to haggle with his Uncle Leo for the return of the watch his parents gave him. Plus, George badly overplays his hand when negotiating with NBC, and Elaine enlists Kramer to help her break up with her psychiatrist boyfriend.
seinfeld-the-little-kicks

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

18. “The Little Kicks” (Season 8, Episode 4)

We’ll never hear “Shining Star” again without picturing Elaine’s catastrophically bad dance moves during a J. Peterman office party. (George describes them as “a full-body heave set to music.”) We also get two superb subplots here: George becoming a “bad boy” to woo a colleague of Elaine’s, and Jerry becoming an in-demand director of those handheld videotaped rip-offs of theatrical releases they used to sell on the street. (It’s a lost art form these days.)
seinfeld-the-fire

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

17. “The Fire” (Season 5, Episode 18)

George Costanza has always been a selfish coward, of course, but he hits absolute rock bottom here, shoving children and an old woman out of the way to escape a fire at a birthday party. (Hey, check out a young Jon Favreau as the kids’ party clown!) Meanwhile, guest star Veanne Cox is perfectly irritating as Elaine’s way-too-enthusiastic coworker Toby. (“Great! Just great! Really, really great!”)
seinfeld-the-bubble-boy

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

16. “The Bubble Boy” (Season 4, Episode 7)

In Seinfeld‘s supremely cynical world, even a sickly child can be rude and nasty. Here, Jerry agrees to visit a young fan who’s forced to live in a plastic bubble, but it’s George who ends up have to deal with the little brat, getting into a physical fight with him over a Trivial Pursuit misprint. George’s stubborn insistence that the “Moops” actually invaded Spain is wonderfully juvenile, and an early signal that fans shouldn’t expect any sentimental “very special episodes” from this crew.
seinfeld-the-parking-garage

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

15. “The Parking Garage” (Season 3, Episode 6)

Similar in structure, but just slightly inferior, to Season 2’s “The Chinese Restaurant,” this episode gives Jerry and the gang another episode-long task: this time, trying and failing to find Kramer’s car in the sprawling parking garage of a shopping center. (We can all relate, right?) What follows is a cascading comedy of errors, highlighted by Jerry defending his public urination to a mall cop… and the demise of Elaine’s poor goldfish. (RIP.)
seinfeld-the-phone-message

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

14. “The Phone Message” (Season 2, Episode 7)

The first truly great Seinfeld episode, this early gem finds George enlisting Jerry to help him retrieve an angry answering-machine message he left for his girlfriend. (Hey, remember answering machines? With cassettes and everything?) Extremely dated technology aside, George’s plight plays out like an elegant French farce, with him shouting out ridiculous code words (“Tippy toe!”) to warn Jerry that his girlfriend is approaching. (Fun fact: This script was written in just two days to replace a rejected episode.)
seinfeld-the-pick

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

13. “The Pick” (Season 4, Episode 13)

The main storyline, with Jerry getting caught picking (or “scratching”) his nose by his model girlfriend, is just OK, but this episode serves us three absolutely killer subplots: Elaine sends out a Christmas card photo with her nipple exposed (“Everybody’s calling me Nip!”), Kramer confronts Calvin Klein about stealing his idea for a cologne that smells like the beach and gets a modeling gig out of it (“His buttocks are sublime!”) and George begs Susan to take him back… before remembering how much he dreaded being with her in the first place.
seinfeld-the-implant

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

12. “The Implant” (Season 4, Episode 19)

A pre-Wisteria Lane Teri Hatcher makes a great comedic foil as Sidra, Jerry’s gorgeous new girlfriend who Elaine is convinced must be surgically enhanced. But there’s even more real and spectacular fun to be had here, from George haggling over a bereavement airline fare and being accused of “double-dipping” at a funeral food spread, to Kramer — in classic goofy Kramer fashion — stalking a guy at his gym, convinced the guy is exiled author Salman Rushdie.
seinfeld-the-marble-rye

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

11. “The Rye” (Season 7, Episode 11)

In its later years, Seinfeld liked to tie a bunch of wildly disparate subplots together into one grand design, and this delightfully absurd entry is maybe the best of the bunch. Here, a typical social faux pas — George’s dad Frank steals back the marble rye that Susan’s parents failed to put out during dinner — mushrooms into a full-blown disaster that involves a flatulent carriage horse, Jerry mugging a poor old woman (“Shut up, you old bag!”) and, somehow, George retrieving a loaf of marble rye with a fishing rod and reel.
seinfeld-the-soup

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

10. “The Soup” (Season 6, Episode 7)

Jerry’s highly obnoxious fellow comic Kenny Bania makes his debut here, and presents a perfectly Seinfeld-ian social dilemma: He offers Jerry a new Armani suit in exchange for a meal, but the definition of what constitutes a “meal” sparks a fierce debate between them. (“Soup is not a meal!”) Jerry’s mounting annoyance with Bania is exquisite — just look at that slow burn crossing his face — and the final, silent shot of George eating alone at a non-Monk’s diner after being kicked out of their usual spot is just hilariously pathetic.
seinfeld-the-invitations

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

9. “The Invitations” (Season 7, Episode 24)

Seinfeld often flirted with the dark side of comedy, but here, in the final episode Larry David wrote before the series finale, it boldly plunges straight into blackness. With his wedding fast approaching, George frets that there’s no escape… but he lucks out when the cheap wedding invitations he bought inadvertently poison his fiancée Susan, killing her. The gang’s nonplussed reaction to Susan’s death is about the bleakest thing we’d ever seen on a network sitcom to that point. Plus, the bit about Jerry dating a female version of himself, played by Janeane Garofalo, is a clever bit of meta commentary.
seinfeld-the-strike-festivus

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

8. “The Strike” (Season 9, Episode 10)

The title refers to Kramer’s decade-long labor dispute with a bagel shop, but we all know what this one is: It’s the “Festivus” episode, which introduces us to Frank Costanza’s fantastically bizarre alternative to Christmas. The metal pole, the feats of strength, the airing of grievances… they’re all an annual tradition in your household by now, we’re sure. Plus, in more yuletide-related hi-jinks, the eternally cheap George invents a fake charity — the Human Fund — to trick co-workers into thinking he gave them a Christmas gift.
seinfeld-the-soup-nazi

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

7. “The Soup Nazi” (Season 7, Episode 6)

“No soup for you!” Truly one of Seinfeld‘s most inspired creations, the hysterically hard-ass Soup Nazi — who insists on strict decorum in his soup shop and swiftly kicks out any misbehavers — is an brilliant bit of lunacy… and is based on a real New York soup chef, of course. Kramer’s run-in with a pair of armoire-coveting thieves and Jerry’s “schmoopy” girlfriend are fun, too, but the Soup Nazi — played unforgettably by Larry Thomas — is the undisputed king of this castle.
seinfeld-the-pitch

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

6. “The Pitch” (Season 4, Episode 3)

This is like Seinfeld‘s superhero origin story: In a booth at Monk’s, Jerry and George brainstorm an idea for a TV show “about nothing” to pitch to NBC. (George: “Everyone’s doing something! We’ll do nothing!”) George is approaching peak Costanza here, both supremely confident and intensely self-loathing — plus, we get some quality early Newman (“I had a girlfriend… and she was pretty wild!”) and the infamous Crazy Joe Davola kicking poor Kramer in the head.
seinfeld-the-opposite

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

5. “The Opposite” (Season 5, Episode 22)

George Costanza’s utter ineptitude at nearly every aspect of adulthood is a cornerstone of Seinfeld‘s humor, so it’s incredibly satisfying — cathartic, even — to watch him realize that if he just does the exact opposite of what he thinks he should do, life works out much better for him. His brutal honesty lands him a beautiful girlfriend (“My name is George, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents”) and a coveted job with the New York Yankees. Meanwhile, Elaine’s life goes south thanks to her Jujyfruits obsession, and she realizes to her horror, “I’m George!”
seinfeld-the-pen

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

4. “The Pen” (Season 3, Episode 3)

Larry David is a master of taking one minor social miscue and letting it snowball into a full-blown crisis. Here, he sends Jerry and Elaine down to Florida, where Jerry’s acceptance of an astronaut pen (it writes upside-down!) from his dad’s friend Jack Klompus sets off a bitter squabble between Jack and Jerry’s father. It’s a ridiculously minor breach of etiquette, further complicated by a loopy Elaine, zonked out on muscle relaxers and bellowing Jerry’s aunt’s name “Stella!” like she’s Stanley Kowalski.
seinfeld-the-boyfriend

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

3. “The Boyfriend” (Season 3, Episodes 17 and 18)

This epic one-hour episode contains one of the best sports cameos in TV history, with New York Mets legend Keith Hernandez playing himself as a new pal of Jerry’s… and a new paramour for Elaine. (Jerry gets jealous of her, of course.) But Kramer has a beef with Keith, which he and Newman methodically lay out in a dead-on JFK parody. Even better, George’s laziness hits new heights as he tries to get his unemployment extended by lying that he’s interviewing with the fictional Vandelay Industries — a lie that ends, fittingly, with George face down on the floor with his pants around his ankles.
seinfeld-the-chinese-restaurant

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

2. “The Chinese Restaurant” (Season 2, Episode 11)

If a Seinfeld newbie wanted to understand the whole “show about nothing” concept, we’d point them towards this immaculately constructed episode. In it, Jerry, George and Elaine wait for a table at a Chinese restaurant… and yep, that’s it. It’s an ingenious exploration of how the very lowest of stakes — Elaine is hungry, Jerry is worried about missing a movie, George is trying to use a pay phone — can add up to real, relatable tension… not to mention some unforgettable gags. Cartwright!
seinfeld-the-contest

Image Credit: Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television

1. “The Contest” (Season 4, Episode 10)

Here it is, folks: the greatest Seinfeld episode ever — and one of the greatest episodes of TV comedy ever, actually. Larry David’s masterful chronicle of delayed gratification tackles the taboo subject of masturbation with astonishing skill and grace, pitting the gang of four against each other in a contest to see who can, um, refrain the longest. The euphemisms used to skirt around network censors are delightfully naughty — “Are you master of your domain?” — and the whole episode has a giddy energy to it, like they knew they were getting away with something. The naked woman across the street, Elaine lusting after JFK Jr., Kramer slapping his money down on Jerry’s counter (“I’m out!”)… it’s a non-stop parade of iconic moments that we’ll still be quoting and enjoying for the next thirty years, at least.

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