my new plaid pants

The lovely folks over at Vinegar Syndrome have been making this transition towards the 2025 hellscape land softer than it ought to thanks to their dropping OF some truly substantial physical medias upon us -- last month they brought us the forever unreleased Diane Keaton. masterpiece Looking For Mr Goodbar in 4K, and this month they're gifting us with Gregg Araki's stoner comedy Smiley Face starring Anna Faris! If you've been around here at MNPP HQ for awhile then surely you've heard me going off about my love for this movie more than once -- I'm not a "Stoner Comedy" person in the slightest but I adore this one and the shitty DVD has been out-of-print for ages. Pre-order it at this link! It's the little things that will hopefully get us through these difficult times and if I have to devour an entire plate of pot cupcakes to do it then so be it.  

John Krasinski was named People's "Sexiest Man Alive" today and actual real live people seemed to be like, "... Huh?" Myself included. While I think the man has had his moments over the years I've soured on him since his shitty overrated and deeply conservative Quiet Place movies came out and, in their wake, so too did some stories about him being a shitty egomaniac. Anyway I now have a hit tweet...

Vanity Fair coming out the same day and making an absolute mockery of People's always terrible Sexiest Man Alive game pic.twitter.com/vkQkQ4ibDj

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) November 13, 2024

... pointing out that Vanity Fair totally stole People's thunder today with their incredibly hot batch of menfolk prancing about for the annual "Hollywood Issue" and so a path forward seem to've presented itself! There are actually rumors going around that one of those VF men, the probable most likely alternative choice,  Mr. Glen Powell of the film Twisters, smartly turned People's title down. So let's slap the two of them in the face with our big poll and see who comes on top, then!

There isn't a whole lot that could make me want to see a kid's movie directed by John Krasinski and starring Ryan Reynolds -- a pornographic movie, sure? But a kid's movie? Nahhh. I am of the mind that Krasinski's Quiet Place movies are politically retrograde and shoddily crafted and Ryan, bless his continued hotness, has turned himself into a brand who only churns out terrible Netflix movies. But then they went and released a trailer for their kid's movie called If -- it's about a teen girl who can see everyone's imaginary friends -- and they put Ryan in suspenders...

... and against bookshelves no less, and this is a pure and undiluted act of violence against my will, y'all. I love a man in suspenders. I've admitted this fetish before but ever since that formative photograph of shirtless Benjamin Bratt's back in suspenders appeared in my life back in the day I have had very little willpower as far as suspenders are concerned and Ryan appears to spend...

... like half of this dumb movie in a shirt and suspenders. Violence, I say! Anyway I'm not posting the trailer but you can watch it right here -- there are really good people doing (what I assume is) voice-work in this movie too. People like Maya Rudolph and Sam Rockwell and Christopher Meloni and Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Fiona f'ing Shaw! So I won't hold it against anybody if they're excited about this. I'll just be over here with these gifs feeling very unclean, is all.

Well file this under "potentially intriguing slash possibly horrifying, we shall see" -- and yes, I've got an entire filing cabinet full of things that fall under that banner -- we might be getting a Rosemary's Baby prequel? Now that information alone is the "possibly horrifying" part, because nobody should try messing about with Rosemary's Baby. It's a perfect movie -- heck it's literally my favorite movie. People have basically remade Rosemary's Baby a thousand times now -- once officially, to terrible results, and a million other times with vague spins on the material. There's also a nutso TV movie sequel called Look What happened To Rosemary's Baby that is fun insomuch as it's terrible and Ruth Gordon reprises her role.

Anyway setting that aside the rumor gets interesting when you look beyond the initial shock of it because of who's attached to the thing right now -- it will star Julia Garner and Dianne Wiest and it will be directed by Natalie Erika James, the director of 2020's phenomenal horror flick Relic (that one starred Emily Mortimer and I reviewed it right here). Oh and the story will be about the character of "Terry d'Onofrio" (played by Victoria Vetri in Polanski's film), who's the young woman who lives with the Castavets and ends up "jumping" out their window toward the start of that film, after befriending newcomer Rosemary (Mia Farrow) in the laundry room.

Thing is nothing has been stated about any of this officially -- the movie on IMDb is called Apartment 7A and no plot has been released. Bloody Disgusting just says they "have it on good authority" ... and then some incredible sleuth went and noticed that a bunch of the character names on IMDb are characters from Rosemary's Baby, lol. Like how actor Kevin McNally from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies is listed as playing "Roman Castavet" and relative newcomers named Amy Leeson and Scott Hume are playing "Rosemary Woodhouse" and "Guy Woodhouse" for example. 

So point being if those character names are indeed authentic to the film then I can't imagine that BD is reaching here, saying this will be involved with Rosemary's Baby. And perhaps we should be open-minded! Natalie Erika James turned out one hell of a film with Relic, and Garner is one of the most exciting actresses coming up. And does this mean that national treasure Dianne Wiest is playing Minnie? Or maybe she's playing the old woman who owned the apartment before Rosemary & Guy move in, the one who grew all the "tannis" herbs? Either way I dare to say...

Lowest common denominator crap half as effective as the already ineffective first film, A Quieter Place makes me long to be sent to The Quietest Place called the grave just to escape its banal CG-barf bullshit. These monsters, with their jittery daisy-petal heads and beanstalk arms just do not frighten me, moving as weightlessly through their world as skiffs of wind -- they have no presence or personality, they're screeching ciphers with sharp elbows, strangers on a crowded summer subway train where something stinks to high heaven and you can't wait to just get home. There are good actors on-screen and they are asked to quiver and tremble their lips ten thousand times, ad infinitum, until the ceiling caves in. I longed to smother myself with all the little bits of pillow within reach by its witless conclusion. God I hate these movies.

I think of this speech that John Krasinski's character gives at the dentist in Gregg Araki's stoner-masterpiece Smiley Face literally every single time I go to the dentist now. He's right! It is prosperous-seeming! Anyway every few years I use a quote from this movie to wish y'all a Happy 4/20 -- see here and see here for previous examples -- and here we are, again today. I'm not worried about running out of quotes from this movie to use for this series any time soon though because Jane is a queen and her every utterance is, like, you know, and. Yeah!

Blessings unto us all, I needed some smiles this Friday and Interview Magazine has gifted us with one of their "25 Questions" features with Maya Rudolph! They work like this: 25 of Maya's famous pals asked her a question or two, and she answered them! It's not a terribly hard-to-grasp feature. Anyway the above quote comes in response to a question from author Sarah Cooper; other people doing the asking include half of the SNL casts over the years, Amy Sedaris, Paul Reubens, Natasha Lyonne, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Carol fuckin' Burnett -- endless proof that Maya is indeed that cool. And you'll definitely want to look for the Prince story.  

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It was John Krasinski's 40th birthday yesterday and I don't want him to think I stopped caring just because I didn't love A Quiet Place -- we'll always have Smiley Face, John! -- so here's a belated gif of him doing push-ups off his Instagram last year. I really do hope your AQP sequel is better, John! Take my advice and lay off the aggressive musical score for your movie about silence, k? K.

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... you can learn from:

Away We Go (2009)

I love everyone in and everything about Sam Mendes' 2009 film Away We Go, which was released 10 years ago today, but whenever I think back on the film I think of two particular things first. I think of Maggie Gyllenhaal talking about her hate for strollers -- "Why would I want to push my baby away from me???" -- and I think of every single moment that Chris Messina & Melanie Lynskey are on screen as old college friends of Burt (John Krasinski) and Verona (Maya Rudolph). Their mini-movie is a thing of grace of gorgeousness that breaks my heart and puts it back together again within however many minutes it is they're on-screen. What a gift. 

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First things first yes I know that Sebastian Stan does not have a mustache in Destroyer -- he has a goatee. The world's sexiest goatee ever! But while goatees do seem to be making a comeback -- look no further than half the cast of The Predator reboot...

... the year that was 2018 was more about the Staches. Staches were so thick in the musky air that we started up a series on Movie Mustaches! And so I figured before I kissed the year goodbye I should give some love to our favorite examples of them there nose-ticklers in the twelve months that was. Make like you're Sam Elliott's Oscar Nomination and get on for the crazy ride y'all...

Our Top 5 of 2018's Greatest Mustaches

Chris Hemsworth in Bad Times at El Royale

Riz Ahmed in The Sisters Brothers

Tom Sturridge in Mary Shelley

Rupert Friend in The Death of Stalin

Raúl Castillo in We the Animals

And with a special off-movie shout-out...

... to Billy Magnussen in Maniac, just cuz.

Oh fine as long as we're here we might as well 

take a moment for the bounteous beards, too...

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Now share some of yours in the comments!
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Here's a nice little flashback that I fell upon while doing last Friday's "Five Frames From" post - John Krasinski in Sam Mendes' way seriously super underrated 2009 film Away We Go. Talk about a movie that's held on - every time I see a woman pushing a stroller down a New York City street I think about Maggie Gyllenhaal's line about "pushing my baby away from me" and every couple of months I think about how robbed Melanie Lynskey was of an Oscar nomination for her work in this movie. (See also Maya Rudolph.) A modern classic in need of rediscovery! Here's my praise-soaked review from way back when. Any fans?

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Lin-Manuel tweeted this photo back on December 19th as Mary Poppins Returns hit theaters, saying it's of him and Emily Blunt Facetiming with his son in between takes but I just caught it today and natch, it caught me, what with all the bookshelves. Not to mention how much I loved MPR (here's my review) -- did any of you see it over the break? Any thoughts? And, challenge presented, if you do happen to have thoughts will they stay in your head long enough for you to click on the comments down below to share them even if I make you traverse across this photo of a naked John Krasinski on an elliptical before you get there...

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Unless y'all tell me I am missing something of extraordinary substance I'm probably never going to watch Jack Ryan because... I ain't got time for that shit. I'm halfway through about twelve shows right now, literally, and not terribly enthusiastic about any of them, I don't need one more. (The only show I'm currently watching that I chomp at the bit for the new episode to arrive is Castle Rock.)

But bless Jack Ryan all the same for, from what I had heard and now seen (thx Mac), a dedication to exploiting John Krasinski's true blue action-hero physique. It's why we're even talking about it! Well except for this dude. Calm down, dude. John Krasinski's Butt isn't gonna climb through the screen and eat you up. (Unfortunately. If it was gonna do that I would clearly be watching Jack Ryan, no holds barred.) Hit the jump for a couple bonus gifs...

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John is on the cover of this month's issue of Men's Health and there's a chat with him you can read right here - I haven't read it but if he says anything interesting y'all can let me know... but I'm pretty sure that not saying anything interesting is part of John Krasinski's appeal. But y'all let me know! 

Thanks to that picture I was tempted to title this post "Krasi Horse" and see if anybody got it but I'm not sure I even get it. Hey I'm working on a weird sleep schedule and trying to catch back up to speed y'all, cut me some slack. We'll be clever... later. (And no I wouldn't hold my breath.) 

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Striking out hard and quick against the common conception that it is hard out there for straight white men, John Krasinski has already lined up a new film project just a couple of days after his horror movie A Quiet Place debuted to a whole lotta B.O. (Read my review of the movie, which is perfectly fine, right here.) According to DH John will tackle Life on Mars, a sci-fi adaptation of Cecil Castellucci's short-story titled "We Have Always Lived on Mars" (that's a nice shout-out to Shirley Jackson, Cecil) which is about, you guessed it, people living on Mars. With a Total Recall twist (sadly, as far as I know, I do not mean there will be three-breasted prostitutes) - it's about one of the colonists, a woman, suddenly realizing she can breath Martian air. Hmmm... I wonder if the woman character might be a good fit for an "Emily Blunt" type? 

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Eleven days and fifty-five years ago a horror film was released boasting some of the most revolutionary sound-design ever put on a movie screen. The film had no musical score whatsoever - instead the director had his composer design a sound-scape of nothing but the screaming of birds. That movie was called The Birds, its director was Alfred Hitchcock, and the composer was Bernard Hermann (along with the under-mentioned German composer Oskar Sala). Here's a fun point of reference -- watch a scene from The Birds with an orchestral score slapped on top of it:

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I thought about The Birds a lot while watching this weekend's big box office smash A Quiet Place, starring John Krasinski and Emily Blunt as parents navigating an aural post-apocalypse, which I liked quite a bit but which I wish had had the courage of its convictions on this (dare I say it, yes I am going to say it) score. Marco Beltrami's (nearly unrelenting) music feels like a mistake to me. A missed opportunity. If somebody as mainstream as Hitchcock could do that 55 years ago why can't we get a movie with those kind of guts here in 2018?

Beltrami's music, which is perfectly fine on its own, offers too much of a release-valve for the audience - it sweeps in and tells us what to think every chance it can, and when it does drift off it alerts us to and triple underlines the silence, goosing us for the coming scare. It's just easy, woefully easy, in a film that could've been hard. Most of the Twitter conversation about the film this weekend has been about rude audiences loudly scarfing popcorn and slurping soda - it could have been worse had John Krasinski gone my route, and I wish he had.

I wish he had because this movie could've been great, but he settled for merely good. It is good - Krasinski shows a fine ability for setting up traps for his characters and slowly pulling out the floor or tightening the vise - there are ace sequences from start to finish. (The silo, oh god the silo.) And his cast is more than capable - Emily Blunt (with her face built for thirty simultaneous expressions at once) and Millicent Simmons most of all; I'd even go so far to say that the latter gives a better performance here than she did under Todd Haynes' direction in Wonderstruck.

The film is delightfully smart about twisting up its dramatic intentions - a family frayed by their inability to express their grief and pain to one another - with its horror ones, doing what the best horror always does: unearth the repressed, and make the symbolic literal. Movie Monsters, the good ones anyway, are always our emotional blockages unblocked - our ids unleashed - and these ones here, with their gigantic ears the better to hear your pain with, are a lovely addition to the canon. I just wish the movie would've listened to what they were telling us about themselves a little better. Shhhh....
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What with all of my Tribeca screenings right now I don't know when I am going to be able to see A Quiet Place, and I really want to see A Quiet Place, and I am pissed off about all of that... but John Krasinski's Beard (Not Emily Blunt) makes me feel a little better. Then I recall he has the beard in A Quiet Place and I am pissed off again. I wish everyone would stop saying it is good! Y'all are monsters. Well until I do if any of youse guys sees the movie feel free to whisper, very very quietly, how high a priority getting out to it should be for me in these comments. I SAID QUIETLY, ASSHOLES.

Today I'd rather be...

... cavorting with Krasinski.

We have got a mystery project on our hands! Today JJ shares these pictures from the Malibu set of what-nobody-knows, but David O. Russell appears to be directing it and besides Wet John Krasinski there's Allison Williams, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Jack Huston (I don't recognize the two black actors) on the scene splashing about. I'm tending towards thinking it's not a feature-length something but who knows - that's quite the team. Any guesses? Til then hit the jump for fourteen more shots of Wet White Shirted Krasinski...

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Even though I'm loathe to give more air-time to Michael Bay's Ropy Jism: The Movie, I figure as long as I've got it sitting here after doing yesterday's "Sweet Ode To John Badge Dale, Butch Pig," I should finish off the job with the brief pair of instances where John Krasinki showed off all his hard work getting all super buff for the movie. I mean he worked so hard, it's the least I could do. (John there are other things I am willing to do though, just give me a call and I'll tell you all about them.) Hit the jump for the rest...

Today I'd rather be...

... butching it up with James Badge Dale.

You know for all the press that John Krasinski got out of that one shirtless shot in Michael Bay's military masturbatory fantasy 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (and rightfully so) you'd think some ink (and other fluids) could've been spilled over JBD's great big butch pig transformation. This is a very very long way from the scrawny prettiness that we're used to from Jim! S'good! Hit the jump for much more...