Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty ImagesForget What to Expect When You're Expecting. Allow Ryan Reynolds to explain the art of parenting.
The actor is currently expecting his second bundle of joy with wife Blake Lively, who gave birth to their first daughter James almost two years ago. Since becoming a father, Reynolds has all but made it his mission to impart the lessons he's learned as a first-time dad to the Twittersphere in the hilariously sarcastic manner his followers have come to know and love.
From cringe-worthy anecdotes to candid commentary about their little girl's antics, we can already imagine a few years down the line when 14-year-old James can't stop blushing from total embarrassment over her dad's social media presence.
In honor of Ryan, we've rounded up 27 of his best parenting tweets below:
Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 7, 2016
Inside my daughter's diaper this morning, I found a half-digested wolf. Try me. https://t.co/6wuZLsl7Nu
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 3, 2016
It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2016
This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 21, 2016
They should call "fighting pits" something else because my baby just plays with the other babies.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 16, 2016
Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 10, 2016
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
Healthy Parenting Tip No. 34: Get the child into showbiz as soon as possible.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 1, 2016
Jokes on you. We're not teaching her to read. Boom. https://t.co/gwGgx7pNQQ
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 17, 2016
Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2016
After this morning's diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 14, 2016
Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 12, 2016
Proud of my baby daughter placing last in her old-timey, bare-knuckle street fighting class. Congrats to her 31 year old opponent, Rick.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 7, 2016
What's better than a 12 hour drive with a screaming 1 year old? Not including hepatitis.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 2, 2016
Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 3, 2016
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke's on her. She'll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, "Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!" and "Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die."
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 11, 2015
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2015
Surprisingly easy to teach a baby to swipe right.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 16, 2015
On Fathers Day, my daughter smiled at me.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 21, 2015
It was all the gift I needed as I packed a bag and left for 6 years to write a book on parenting.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
LOVE dressing my daughter in baby clothes. The itsy-bitsy pink pajamas. The tiny white socks. The black leather mask. Cuteness overload!
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 13, 2015
Selecting a lower back tattoo for an infant is easy. Finding someone willing to do the work is challenging. https://t.co/8IcMRo21fw
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 11, 2015
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015