NIGEL Farage has volunteered to be, in times of war, the head Army quartermaster diverting vital supplies for his own personal profit.

YESTERDAY’S rise in defence spending has only confirmed a man’s gloomy forebodings about geopolitics for the next two to three decades.

AS member for Runcorn and Helsby, I know how to survive in hostile environments. So my ten weeks inside will be spent as the f**king Daddy.

AFTER eight decades of pretending to be a moral force for good around the entire world, the USA has decided to be a big bastard instead.

ENJOY having an in-depth rummage in your nasal passages while driving to Tesco? Did you know people can see you doing that, and these things too?

ACROSS non-confrontational Britain, homeowners huddle together, united in receiving poor service but too cowardly to say anything. They dream of dismissing these.

THE Home Counties are the most important counties in Britain according to their arsehole residents. But which comes closest to being barely tolerable, and which is the absolute worst?

THE Calvine UFO picture taken in Scotland is in the media again, and it remains a grey diamond that could be a rock. These are the other issues with all UFO sightings.

THE aggressively loud volume of the average posh person is in fact a product of evolution, scientists believe.

THE Lucy Letby case is making headlines after experts claimed there were no murders. Will this prompt you to look at other unfair convictions or is it a one-off?

EVERYBODY, meaning residents of north London and residents of the Cotswolds, is obsessed with sex in the Cotswolds. But can it also be pleasurable in poorer areas?

A MAN who succumbed to the urge to knock one out while luxuriously soaking in the bath has immediately had cause to regret his decision.

A FATHER with only a slight paunch and moderately receding grey hair is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men, it has emerged.

HE’S the bullish tech billionaire turning heads and defunding federal agencies in the White House, but how can you capture that maverick Musk charm? Follow these tips.

A MAN who is a sucker for new fads is espousing the joys of sucking on disgusting little nicotine pouches, it has emerged.

YOU may behave rationally in your foreign cities, but once you visit our shores you become a tourist and must behave accordingly and annoyingly. Follow these rules.

TOMORROW night sees a clash of titans only Americans care about as the Philadelphia Eagles take on Taylor Swift in Superbowl LIX. Can she win?

TODAY, professional football players will play others who earn more, subjecting their team and town to patronising media write-ups. Who will be the plucky victors?

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

A YEAR ago, my Tesla Model 3 was cool. I admit I gloated. Now I am driving around in a Reichsmobile, but these avoidance tactics mean it doesn’t define me politically.

A CONNIVING grandma has been able to use the internet since 1998 and just wanted an occasional visit, her cheated family have learned.

IS there a vinyl wanker in your office? Leaves at lunchtime and comes back with a square bag and a smug expression? Extol these musical formats over his.

PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…

ONLINE spaces criticised as ‘echo chambers’ are actually wonderful places to meet intelligent, educated people with correct views, according to their users.

THE idea of a blatantly evil or insane US President is usually restricted to fiction, but not anymore. Here are some crazed film presidents who could learn a lot from Donald.

LIKE grasping a thistle, to truly love a Scottish band would only cause you pain. Their music has its merits, but these bands are inherently unloveable by virtue of nationality.

THANKS to the internet, life’s pleasures can only be relished after hours of punishing online research. Do the work before these.

THE nation’s undergraduates are unaware that they were supposed to be carefully tending to Neighbours, it has emerged.

THE sole remaining outlet for masculine aspiration available to middle-aged men in the UK has been bought by a US tech giant.

FAST food chain McDonald’s has admitted its fancy branches with dark green signage firmly believe themselves to be on a par with Waitrose.

RIGHT now he’s flying, but Elon Musk is in a precarious position with Trump known to ditch anyone not completely subservient at whim. Stand by to savour his inevitable downfall.

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

NOBODY on LinkedIn can stop congratulating each other long enough to admit they’re drawing dole. Use these phrases to cover up being between ‘great career opportunities’.

AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.

A HOMEWORKER ordered back to the office is spending long lazy days doing nothing to prove her point.

POWERLESS in their real lives, these wankers find their satisfaction in running a workplace like a Panzer Division. Which ones have bollocked you?

ARE you doing your job perfectly, breaking neither rules nor codes, but should resign anyway because you are becoming a distraction like Tulip Siddiq? Find out.

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law.

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work.

OUT for drinks with the office last night? Woken up under the burden of some confessions that, in the light of day, you really wish you could forget? These will always be there.

PUB profits are falling and pubs may close, so attendance at your local hostelry five nights a week is now mandatory. Here’s how to get through it.

A MAN is insisting his friends dislike tequila because they have not had the ‘good stuff’, not because it is irretrievably vile regardless of cost.

HALFWAY through Dry January, are you sticking to it while maintaining a rigid schedule of daytime and evening Wetherspoon’s visits, like a patriot should?